3 year old ramping up the aggression

[MortifiedMary]

Desperate for advice re: 3 year old DS. He's always been ... shall we say ... exuberant but very recently the hitting/pushing/shoving/throwing things has become a real problem for me in that it's now directed at innocent bystanders and causing a problem in my relationship with their parents (I think). This week he's hit a new low with playing too roughly with a 2 year old little boy (who he's played nicely with for ages) - he swung him around by his coat hood and made him cry then today he threw his cap at a friend of DDs (7 year old little boy who he really looks up to) caught him in the eye and made him cry ...

It's also a problem at home where he's constantly shoving and hitting his 7 year old sister and 1 year old little brother. After these incidents, I generally use the step and after his "punishment" we talk about his feelings and he's pretty articulate about why he was cross etc. I've also used sanctions for bad behaviour like withdrawing treats (special snacks, going to special places) and this morning I left DD with another parent and took him straight back to the car where he had an enormous tantrum and told me to "F off". Nice.

I was thinking maybe a star chart but apart from the aggression, his behaviour is generally very good. He listens, chats, is often very gentle and patient with his brother and helpful with me and his sister. He's beautifully behaved for his Dad when he takes him out at the weekend. It's just these moments of fleeting aggression around me that seems to be a problem.

So wise Mumsnetters - any words of wisdom? Can't seem to stop my own tears this morning which appears to have had a profound effect on him for some reason. I feel like I'm failing my wonderful funny little boy and I'm not sure how to help him

First of all where did he hear words like "F off?" Does his Dad take him around people who swear or are agressive?

Secondly, I understand the problems as I have a DD of 4 who also hits her 7 year old sister!

The coat grabbing and swinging and the cap throwing are not unusual though...I have seen lots of lttle boys and girls do similar things...he's three...he's very young yet and would not know automatically that a soft cap could hurt eyes..does he go to pre school yet?

Shameless bump to keep this in active convos before I take the boys for a walk....

Sorry xposted with The House. Yes Spot on with the swearing - he's overheard Dad and despite the fact he's more careful now, it's too little too late. Re the cap - it has a hard brim so that's presumably what caused the damage.

How do you handle the hitting TheHouse - DD was such a gentle thing that I'm really clueless when it comes to DS1...

He goes to preschool one day a week and he's an absolute angel there apparently - go figure!

Same here....number one was an angel...so gentle...number two not so much! i do the same as you with the step nd removing things but I hve found that following it all up with a chat once they're feeling better is good thng...I explin about hurt feelings and how hitting people makes them sad...that seems to work ...but mostly I find she needs a lot of interesting things to do....she's got big imagination and likes role play...I do that and she's happy! can't do it all day though!

Have you tried responding to his anger by holding him in a bearhug instead? Sometimes such episodes of rage are best handled by simply hugging them firmly but lovingly, and rage becomes tears as they have become able to release their intense feelings (stress is certainly there for a 3 year old with 2 siblings and many new experiences, fears, confusions, demands etc, so I guess he does have at least some reason for having feelings!).
Of course, when he is being violent towards anyone, you'll have to stop him by removing him from the situation (i.e. when he hits his siblings, could you take him to another room and hold him there? Tell him he can be angry but he cannot hit?) Generally, naughty steps and other time outs cannot really be exercised without him knowing that if he moves, he will be punished by something worse, and that is a great insult to a young developing ego. Reward charts -- hmm, I am not a fan of those. Direct rewards and punishments do not really have long term positive effects. We want them to choose and think right (rather than act right in response to fear or bribes), for which we need to establish strong relations and NOT undermine their personalities. THus, anger and tears need to be seen as valid intense feelings and treated as such, IMHO.
Good luck!
M

Mayamama- thanks for the great advice. In fact last year when DS2 was born, DS1 was prone to rages when he didn't get attention and I did use the "bear hug" technique very successfully to calm him down - it's a little harder this year with his brother being very demanding and now running everywhere but I will try that again.

Definitely agree with you on the talking through their feelings point - very "attachment parenting" I think and very much in line with my type of parenting. The problem is that I'm doubting myself a little now and wondering if I should adopt a more hardline approach with the hitting and shoving, hence trying the naughty step and toy confiscation etc. Yesterday and today, I've just been removing him from the room (or making him hold my hand outside) if he gets a little "wild" and talking to him about his feelings afterwards. It's not any easier but I do feel a little less anxious than yesterday morning thanks to your and TheHouse's advice that it's pretty normal for his age and circumstances so thank you!