Did I deal with this well, or not?

[BertieBotts]

Be honest please

DS is 3.7. At about 6 today, he asked to play with his marble run which I said yes to. He then started throwing the marbles around. I told him to stop. He threw one at the TV, I shouted "UH, NO! Don't throw things at the TV!" and asked him to come and talk to me. He ignored me, walking off with the box so he couldn't see me.

So, I warned him if he didn't stop and talk to me, I would take the marble run away and he wouldn't be able to play with it - did a count of 3 with this too. He continued to ignore me and walk away so I came to take the box, which he retaliated by opening out and spilling on the floor. Still, I gathered it all up and put it in a high cupboard.

He burst into tears at this and came into the living room and flopped down folornly on the chair I was using, I'm pretty sure deliberately, ie, he wanted attention from it/he wanted to annoy me - TBH, I'm not sure what the motivation was and this is where I think maybe I could/should have done something different.

Anyway, so I asked him to move as I was sitting there, he refused. I physically moved him off the chair and then he started hitting me. I told him I would take him to his bedroom if he kept hitting me, which just made him hit me more. So I've now removed him to his bedroom, which involved a manic shoving-behind-the-stairgate as I tried to close it. He can open it, so the purpose of this is to buy me a few seconds in order to run downstairs and close the bottom one (which he can't). TBH, I hate this putting in room thing and I'm not convinced it works that well, it definitely feels wrong to be holding him back with one arm while I effectively lock him in :(

However, after about five minutes of rattling the stairgate (he wasn't distressed during this time) he has just announced to me that he has an idea and he wants to be a bus driver on the stairs, and will I be a passenger. I told him I was busy at the moment and perhaps he could use some toys as passengers and he said "That's a great idea!" and has now run off and is crashing about upstairs, happily, not angrily.

So, I don't know, maybe it is okay? I can't shake the feeling that it feels wrong to me, however well it works.

Reading that back I can see that it was wrong to shout at the first incident, although I was irritated at him not listening in the first place, my idea of a "calm talk" probably seems pretty scary when you're 3 and someone has just shouted at you

Forgot to add, I know he's tired as well which is probably why the random outburst in the first place. His bedtime is 7pm.

I think you managed it well tbh, however if I were you I would not have moved him from the seat, I would have taken that oppertuntity to attempt to break the negative cycle, if he where receptive, if not receptive I would have moved seats myself and ignoored him untill he was receptive. I dont think you did wrong taking him to his room however as it seemed to work as he is now happy, but I would have avoided it at that moment.

Ok I will be honest My DS is 3.5 and has spells like this, of just being rather awkward and irritating. I think overall, you handled it fine, you are both friends now and he is amusing himself.

What I probably would have done differently - rather than - no don't throw things, more of a - look we need to roll them gently down here because if you throw things I will have to take it away. This is what I expect you to do, and this is the natural consequence if you choose to ignore it.

If you carry on hitting me, I will take you to the bedroom = keep hitting me and then I will do something about it. You do not get a second chance to carry on hitting people especially me . IIRC the How to talk book covers that.

3 year olds are hard! mine is ill at the moment so extra grumpy, extra tired. I try to be clear in my expectations and try not to nag too much because it makes me pissed off. But I always carry out my threats (hopefully appropriate ones) so you did exactly right IMHO to take the game off him like you did.

Being put in his room is not a punishment. It is a chance for him to be able to calm down. Which he did.

I've just shouted at him again, because I asked him not to rattle the drawer in the kitchen from side to side and he just told me not to look and did it again Ended up shimmying him into the living room away from the drawer and he forgot about it, but it drives me mad! I wish he would just do as I ask the first time!

(And yet I don't really wish this at all and secretly am quite impressed/amused by his attempt at distracting me so he could carry on doing this, but it is so frustrating!)

I suppose what I really want is to not be ignored. I'd be happy(er) if a request was acknowledged and perhaps negotiated over, but not ignored outright. I'm struggling with this at the minute (and him accepting a "no" answer too) - probably because he has always been quite good at listening before without much effort really on my part, but I always slip into the "You're not listening to me so I'm going to say it louder until you do" kind of shouting.

I had to move him because I was trying to do something on the computer and he was on the computer chair, but you're right - I have a niggling feeling it was less "Ha! You can't do what you want to do now either!" and more "I don't want you to go on the computer and ignore me". But I don't know, it could have been either.

Anyway, bedtime :)

He just needs to go to bed! Often when people are tired they will put their grumpiness on someone else by provoking them. I would have been cross about things being thrown at the TV too. It sounds like you are trying to stay calm and distract him just remember to pick your battles.

I think you were being reasonable but I share your discomfort with time out type things. I also sometimes feel a bit aggrieved that I go to some length to parent in a non-aggressive way, but my toddler doesn't behave with a similar concern for interpersonal ethics (yet ) and so frequently ignores my attempts to negotiate. But at the same time, even if he never behaves in any way different to the children of mini-dictatorships, the way I am with him is about me enacting my ethics rather than trying to get him to be or do something. After all, he never agreed with me that I would be this way and he would therefore behave reasonably...

Anyway, with that sort of disclaimer in place... I say to my DS to look at me so I know that he's heard me. If he doesn't, I get into his eye line or touch his arm (in a none aggressive way!). Also I try and acknowledge that he's busy and try and join with him in my words what he's doing in his action "you're playing with the marbles" before asking a question of him which acknowledges he's inside an agenda of his own "can you stop for a moment while ..." . In the thing above, acknowledgement is probably what I would add - acknowledgement that he's enjoying himself with the marbles and also when he was doing the attention thing, I'd assume that he did actually need that attention. I'd probably want to make light of it ("oh, what's this floppy person doing on my chair?!") rather than cultivate his sense of injustice with hugely serious discussions about his inner turmoil, but I would want him to see that I can see he's feeling flouncy.

I think you've hit the nail on the head yourself.

"I don't want you to go on the computer and ignore me".

He wants someone to play with.

If you go back to the first incident with the marble you can see that he is trying to get your attention. He wanted you to help him build the marble run and play with it with him. At that point you needed you put down what you were doing, get down on the floor, help him build a really cool run and enjoying racing marbles down together.

Every other move he's made in your posts has been to try to engage your attention. Some of the time he's used really appropriate strategies to try to entice you to play, like the suggestion of playing buses on the stairs, and at other times he's worked on the principle that any attention is better than none and used unacceptable behaviour.

As he goes to bed at 7 could you spend this time each evening playing quietly with him, reading books, etc and then do whatever it is on the computer after he's in bed?