3.8 yr old DD....I didn't think it would be like this

[moonblushtomato]

Where do I start??

Every day results in at least 4 major screaming tantrums, hitting her 5yo brother, screaming " I don't like this family", spitting and shouting at me...basically just ALOT of bloody awful behaviour.

Sometimes I feel I'm going to crack!

I really don't know the best way to deal with it. Part of me realises we will "just get through this stage" but when I'm in the thick of it that doesn't really help.

Every day seems such a struggle with her and, as she's starting Reception in September, I don't want this last bit of time at home together to be like this.

Please help!

My DD doesn't have a sibling but she behaves pretty much the same way. She is also starting school in September. She can be utterly lovely and cute and adorable about 80% of the time and completely unreasonable, irrational and demanding the rest of the time. I often crack and get cross and shout, which doesn't help at all as she gets crosser and tells me to stop shouting. Always happens when I am trying to get out of the house for work. Not sure what to suggest. I tend to ignore tantrums as there is no point trying to reason with her when she is in one.

'twill pass, 'twill pass

Most people I know found the age of 3 particularly hard going. I now have one teen and one pre-teen and am finding this later stage far less of a hassle. In fact, every stage past the age of 3 has been easier. Just hang in there.

Do you remember how you dealt with the same behaviour with other children? Is there anything different?
Have you tried just letting her scream whilst you let her know you are there and should he want to be held and cry, she can? Children have strong feelings but do not know how to express them appropriately. They won't know for a few more years. In the meanwhile, it is probably best to teach them that they are listened to and their feelings are accepted. Some children rage yet inside, they just would like to be held lovingly. So some parents hold raging children in a bearhug, letting them struggle a little, whilst telling them kindly that they understand that the child is unhappy or angry. Often, after some struggling, the child melts in parents arms and cries, and this sometimes leads to expressing the reason for the underlying feelings. If you ignore or shout and forbid the expression of feelings, nothing much really happens. The child is unlikely to become any happier, and probably feels you just don't understand her.
It is not an easy approach to take, but I have found with my DS that at least it helps me stay calmer as I know that it is not up to me to stop the tantrum or cry, I just need to stay close and communicate that I understand and accept the strong feelings (unless he hits etc, in which case I for instance hold his hand and tell him that it is ok to be angry but not to hit).

Thanx all for your support and advice

My 2 eldest DSs were very placid toddlers/pre-schoolers, I can't remember many tantrums at all!!

Today seemed to go a bit better after school/nursery. I tried to be much calmer and this seemed to help. DD also went off and played ON HER OWN for about half an hour, which was wonderful as I could cook dinner with a modicum of sanity!!

Mayamama I haven't tried the approach you mentioned of just hugging her when she's having a tantrum/being naughty. I like the idea though I think I would need to be in the right frame of mind to do it, i.e. not flying off the handle/shouting. I will try it tomorrow, if the need (ha ha) arises.

Why is it that on certain days I can handle a tantrum and then on others I don't so the whole situation escalates and I end up feeling like a terrible mother??

It wasn't like this in the movies.........

btw Cory its nice to know that come August, when DD turns 4, all this madness will end

Just wondered, when are the trigger times for this behaviour, is it generally after school? My DD is similar sometimes and often it is between 3.30 and 5pm that it's worst. Today the pattern was broken as DS had a play-date so she got some very good Mummy attention at this time and was an Angel. So there you go, they just want attention and if yours is like mine, are worse when tired and hungry. It's easy to forget the simple things when they are bing vile. And yes, it will pass, and yes, also best to stay calm, but hard sometimes .

Tgger yes the "suicide hour" of 4-5pm is usually the worst!

I do think attention is at the bottom of it and I know deep down it will pass but it's bloody hard work sometimes and I always end up feeling soooo unlike the Mum I always thought I'd be!!

I did get tantrums from DS (unlike your DS's), so I've been through it before, but somehow DD's can seem worse, probably because in general she has been easier. I think also that once you have one child come out the other side it's all so easily forgotten- "all" being the whole business of developing and growing up between 3 and 5 which is not a bundle of laughs from the small person's point of view. Once you have older children you also have their routines to fit round. It's easy to expect small person to fit into these, whereas they have their own agenda to fight for! The joys of parenting eh .

mine is nearly 3.4 - a right grot phase, compounded by small sister thingy arriving in the middle of it. It is getting better, bit by bit, but triggers are tiredness, hunger, too much sugar, being at nursery all day etc etc. Signalling things in advance helps, as does treating her with respect ('dd, would you please pick up those toys and put them in the box?'). precise instructions (put the green trousers in the washing basket, rather than 'pick up your clothes'). The classic either/or questions. Firm boundaries and follow through. Agree with the hug approach though - my dd is a bit sensitive and inclined to go off on one to take things to heart and sometimes the whole thing can be defused with a hug and a non-judgemental question - the latter also teaches her a (limited) vocabulary for her emotions..it does make you wonder how you will ever turn them into civilised human beings though, doesn't it?

Yeah, DD will come for a hug saying "I NEED YOU!!!!". It's just normally really well timed for when I'm cooking tea .