Help me find a suitable punishment for DS 9 years

[Julesnobrain]

Au Pair come home in tears this am. On the way to school, DS aged 9 who was already in a grumpy foul mood this am (don 't know why) ran off into the woods, when she ran after him, he kicked her and called her a bitch. She was also taking DD age 6 to school.

Our Ap is a lovely calm, quiet gentle girl and is clearly shocked. DS has a history of going OTT like this. Not all the time but occasionally and is under assessment with CHAMS for mild Aspergers.

He is fully capable of realising this is not acceptable behaviour. I am planning to confiscate his iPad until Wednesday. Send him to his room when he returns from school at 5.30pm tonight where he can eat his tea and do homework in solitary contemplation, make him apologise to AP but I am also going to get him to write a letter saying why it is not nice to call names and kick people.

Do you think that is enough? Not enough? What would you do?

that punishment sounds a bit harsh. tbh I would attempting to find out from him what happened before I have it all mapped out. Would it be possible to either take him to school your self for a while or at least accpony the AP to attempt to together come up with some stratogies to better manage this in the future. Im not saying he should not be punished, but i can imagine someone with your ds needs may find all of these sanctions very overwhelming and difficult to graps and so may just exasperate the situation. I think If I where in your shoes looking to combat this happening in the future is the way I would be going.It is also unfair to expect the AP to shoulder the management of such difficult behaviour single handed with a 6 yr old in toe, this is very risky for all involved.

I think that's enough, but only you can decide as it all depends on how he views it ie i dod wrong hence the punishment or resents it as he views he was in the right

DSD called a little girl something not very nice so I made her write an apology card (11 times til I was sure it had sunk in and til it was presentable enough) and she got DVD taken off her for 2 days

If it was ds1(10) I'd take his ipad off him for the rest of the school week - until Saturday morning. Ds1 has got an ipod touch and since he's had it, taking it off him is the absolute ultimate punishment and usually even threatening this is enough.

I wouldn't send him to his room to eat his tea though - seems OTT and you need him to talk to you and listen to general family stuff etc. Yes to a letter apologising to your AP.

So, I'd extend the ipad ban but not do the sending him to his room thing. Good luck - hope it goes OK.

I agree with DottyDot - extend the iPad restriction, talk to him to apologise to AP but make him otherwise join in with regular evening -eating with family etc. But I would send him to bed early - say you think the morning outburst was because he think he might be overtired so an early night might help.

But I would send him to bed early - say you think the morning outburst was because he think he might be overtired so an early night might help.

but isnt that a bit indirect and non challenging, either he is going to bed early as a punishment, and this must be made clear OR The outburst was due to tiredness, in which case that is a genuine issue to consider, the op did not mention that was or could be the case. why prescibe something if that is not the issue, that is very contradictory and will only set to confuse him surely and fail to deal with the bigger picture here.

I would remove the ipod for a week and make him do a proper letter of apology to her, but I wouldn't exclude him from the family. I might also get him to write to me about why he did it, if he can't explain it verbally, but that would be more for my understanding that a punishment iyswim.

Until Wednesday? I do hope you're joking. No ipad, tv, games, good communication for a good few days. It just gives him time to reflect and realise wow what I did was really bad if i'm getting treated like this. I'd give him the cold shoulder for a few days telling him you're disappointed he would hurt the ap like that, it upsets you. It may be harsh but I'd be horrified if my child would dare kick or even swear at that age! Show absolutely zero-tolerance aspergers is no excuse for bad behaviour.

oh yes because with drawing communication from a child who I assume is srtuggling with effective communication, hence the behaviour is very helpfull isnt it .

Thanks all, appreciate your views. that has been v helpful. Think I will follow majority view andextend iPad, do apology etc but not exclude for tea. Like idea of letter to me saying why did it. Good idea. Thanks

I think you really need to sit down with your ds and find out what happened this morning.

It may well have been a case of suddenly becoming 'overloaded' due to AS, running away to get away from this, and lashing out when the AP followed him and tried to speak to him.

My own ds (ASD) has learnt to remove himself from the situation if he feels angry or upset about things, and is encouraged to do so by the school. If someone tries to follow him to ask him if he's okay, it can make things 100 times worse.

I don't think your AP had any choice other than to follow him, especially if she was also trying to get your dd to school. She also did not deserve what happened to her.

Speaking to your ds (presumably you haven't had chance to yet if he's still at school) will hopefully help you to find out what the final 'trigger' was.

I would forget about keeping him isolated but would definitely remove his iPad for a week or so. It might also be worth looking into techniques for him to use to try to manage his anger when things get too much for him.

How much does your AP know about communicating with people with ASD? NOT that I think this is her fault, just that AP's are generally young and inexperienced, and folk on the spectrum often don't respond as one would expect...