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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

How do I get him to stop, or hold my hand?

30 replies

LaTristesse · 14/05/2012 12:11

DS is 2, did a runner at the library this morning. Straight out into the car park. I obviously chased him shouting To stop, which he thought was hilarious and just laughed. Thank god there were no cars.
He refuses to hold my hand (we get a tantrum, which when juggling newborn DD and change bag at least isn't so easy to deal with). I've ordered him a wrist strap but I'd like him to either understand that it's dangerous to run away or and that he needs to do what i say. Is he still too small for this? Lots of his friends seem to get it, or at least do as they're told, but this incident is by no means a one-off. Any ideas?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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BlueberryPancake · 14/05/2012 12:23

I would suggest that you play lots of games that are asking him to stop. Play musical statue, or sing songs and clap and then say ONE TWO THREE STOP and make him hold his hands up in the air - carry on until he actually stops, praise him loads for stopping. Make it more fun to stop than to carry on basically, and it might help him understand what the word stop really means. I am not sure if it will solve the problem completely, but it might help. They all go through that stage...

tostaky · 14/05/2012 12:34

DS2 is like that... it is awful... DS1 never was.
what i do, is i tell him when it is ok to run, where he has to stop and explain EVERY time we are on the pavement that pavement is "safe" and the street is not, because of cars etc... if he doesnt do what i tell him to, then he gets told off big time. he is better now than a few months ago, but stilli have to have my eyes on him at all time. not sure what will happen when DS3 will arrive in a few days....
thank god, DS1 run faster than DS2 so he can catch him!

tostaky · 14/05/2012 12:37

also DS2 gets the choice of either the pushchair or to hold the side handle of the puschair (which he prefers) or his big brother hand.
i tried one of those littlelife backpack with reins but it didnt ok at all with us (tried only for one outing though)

FireOverBabylon · 14/05/2012 12:38

When my DS (2.9) has done this, I've tried distraction techniques, ooh look a cat / breakdown truck, bird etc. which makes him stop. Unless he's at real risk of harm, I won't run after him because he then thinks it's a game and you're chasing him. He will stop and come back to look at a cat / bus etc and that is enough to change his concentration onto something else, so he doesn't generally try to run again straight away.

I have used a wrist restraint if necessary though, and if he's done something dangerous, I will crouch down to his level and tell him that it was dangerous, the car could have hit you etc, and so you'll have to hold my hand until you can show me that you can walk nicely, now let's walk to that lampost / door etc". I don't want him to think that I can never trust him to walk, but he also has to see that there are sanctions for running out between parked cars. It is frustrating though, and I can't imagine how hard it must be with a newborn as well - have you got a sling for for DD and a ruck sack style change bag, so you can at least have your arms free if you need them?

FireOverBabylon · 14/05/2012 12:41

Just to clarify, the cat/ truck / bird in my post doesn't actually have to be there. Just having something behind you, which he can't actually see, is usually enough to rouse their curiosity and want to come back and look. The number of cats that we've apparently had by next door's gate, behind me, which have "walked away" by the time DS got back to me is incredible but I'd never have got DS in the car to nursery on time without them

RomyMadison · 14/05/2012 13:42

Oh this is very dangerous, I agree with others to engage him a lot and distract him. But for me I'd have to get the child leash out - i know it's not the ideal thing but you aren't hurting him. You have to explain to him if he runs away from you, you're going to have to use them. Of course I don't know your parenting style but for me i'd much rather have my child on a leash than running near busy roads!

LionsnTigersnBears · 14/05/2012 14:21

I bought a load of colourful wrist straps and I get DD to chose her 'bangle'. Mummy wears the other end of the bangle so DD quite likes it (at the moment at least) that she can choose. TBH I'm not sure that anything in terms of teaching can prevent a 2 year old running off like that. We have such crazy traffic where we live, I wouldn't risk going out without one.

gourd · 14/05/2012 15:09

Ours at 20 months does the opposite, she waits till we are right in the middle of the road when crossing it, then stands completely still in the middle of the road. I just pick her up and get across as quickly as I can with her screaming and hitting me. If you try to hurry her across on foot, or tell her not to stop and say ?Come on, cross the road now? she lies down in the middle of the road screaming. We have reins (which we find useful when near the duck pond), but they don't stop her stopping/lying down in the road. Like the OP I would like her to understand that she must not stop or lie down in the road.

lovechoc · 14/05/2012 15:32

One word - Reins. 2yo is still quite young really to rely on them co-operating with you in public places, esp near traffic. Mine get put on reins (eldest had to, as he didn't listen when told to stop so he had no choice). You do what you have to for their own safety.

Original poster

LaTristesse · 14/05/2012 15:50

Thanks everyone. I have reins, but again we get a tantrum if I try to put them on. I Persevere for long walks but to and from the car I don't. That's why I've ordered the wrist strap- I figure I can get that on him without him noticing so much, and hopefully avoiding the tantrum! I'll definitely try some 'stop' games, that's a great idea. I tried to explaining to him when we were home and he was calmer why I shouted and why it's bad to run off, but he avoided the issue. I think he knows he was wrong. I'll save explanations for when hes a bit bigger then, and just go for containment for now!

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DorisIsWaiting · 14/05/2012 16:09

Don't know what style your reins are but dd3 has some cow ones which are great. My one worry with the wrist straps is that it may pul and damage the arm / or slip off (why I always stuck to reins).

Sometimes you just have to go through the tantrums to get to the otherside... i.e . the consistancy of wearig them everytime you are out may actually diminish the tantrums in the long run as this is just how he gets out of the car, where as at the minute there is everything to play for with the tantrum as sometimes you don't iyswim?

hazeyjane · 14/05/2012 16:11

Can you not put him in a pushchair?

mommybunny · 14/05/2012 16:45

When my DS was 2, and DD a baby in a bucket seat, the rule was DS had to hold my hand in nursery car park. One day he broke free and I told him if he did it again he would go into cot when he got home. He broke away again and he was duly told he was going into cot when we got home. There were tears and wails as I strapped him into his seat but I ignored it. As we drove home he calmed down and asked if he could play with a new toy "when I come out of my cot". I smiled to myself that he'd taken on board that he was going into cot and was moving on from it. I said sure, we got home and he went up to his room and lifted his arms to be put into his cot for about 5 minutes - not a whimper. I got him out and he played with his toy and we we mentioned nothing about it that day. The next day he made sure he had my hand in the car park - he said "I don't want to go back in my cot". I can't say I never had a problem again but it didn't need frequent reinforcement.

That was as much a lesson to me as to him - mean what you say and say what you mean. Don't threaten a punishment you can't follow through on, and always follow through when you do threaten it. Running away from you, especially when they're that little, is something you CANNOT mess around with. Yes, a pushchair solves the immediate problem but not the long-term problem - when it comes to a question of their safety the parent has to be in charge and the child needs to follow the parent's instruction without tantrums, without defiance.

littlemissnormal · 14/05/2012 17:26

I used to tie my DD to the side of the pram due to her inclination to making a run for it! Her reins used to unclip at the back so I'd tie on end on. She still felt free but could only get so far!

lovechoc · 14/05/2012 18:51

DS2 could have the mother of all tantrums - but tough - he'd be getting put in reins, kicking and screaming if necessary. I'd rather battle it out with him, than find him squished into the road after escaping my grasp...

Original poster

LaTristesse · 15/05/2012 11:43

So the wrists strap arrived and he hated it. So j gave him a choice this morning of strap or reins for the 3 min walk to playgroup. He chose reins and walked there beautifully, even holding my hand at some points, sonjvt

OP posts:

Original poster

LaTristesse · 15/05/2012 11:48

(Bloody iPhone)... So I took the opportunity to tell him about road and pavement and even allowed for some running together. Brilliant!

On the way back, different child! Refused to move, ran round me hysterically so I tied myself up in knots with the reins, which annoyed me as it was jostling DD who was in a sling. Then wouldn't get up and just hung off the end of the reins as I tried to get him to stand. Then pulled like a dog in all directions until he fell backwards onto his bottom. Then ensued manic crying while i frogmarched him home angrily. Not brilliant!

Where could i have made improvements? He refuses to listen either at the point of the problem or afterwards when I try to explain, but I know he knows something was wrong...

OP posts:

lovechoc · 15/05/2012 11:58

Use the reins at home first for a while, and see how you get on. Let him get used to them before going outdoors. Even with reins, I've had some very distressing times with DS1 (was in tears, shouting at him - bad mummy moment). You will find it gets worse before it gets better sometimes. I hope things improve, just persevere with it. I know it's hard as you've got the younger one too in the sling, but it will be worth it once he realises 'mummy means business'. Follow it through. When you go out, reins go on. Make a game out of it. Perhaps he can find the reins for you before you leave the house?

lovechoc · 15/05/2012 11:59

You can also put his behaviour down to any typical 2yo.

Celestia · 15/05/2012 12:00

Honestly? I'd put him in the buggy until he's a bit older. My dd was exactly the same and we had to take the pushchair out until she was 3.5 (she didn't always start in the buggy, we often took it 'just in case'). She's 5 now and walks beautifully. I worried at the time that she would never learn to walk safely with me if she was in the buggy but she did.

SunflowersSmile · 15/05/2012 12:17

'Do you want to go in the pushchair'- I screech. 'NO' nearly 3 year old yells. He has a choice- hold side of pushchair or get in it. This does mean that on occasion he is wrestled into the pushchair sounding like he is being murdered. We then have feet on pushchair wheels to make life difficult. Usually he will walk nicely...

thisisyesterday · 15/05/2012 12:26

i would just use a pushchair

even if you practice stopping til you're blue int he face it only takes one time for him to decide he doesn't want to play and splat. dead child.

this is one of the very few things that I am really very strict about.
DS2 and DS3 were/are both bolters. It just was not safe to trust them near a road EVER.

so we used a pushchair if I had more than one child to take out (which was most of the time) and the rule was they could walk if they stayed right next to me, the moment there was any pissing about then they had to get strapped in.
you can do the same with reins/wrist strap but my lot all did the whole falling on the floor refusing to move thing, hence using the buggy.

at 2 he just isn't going to "get" that it's really dangerous to run off. DS3 is nearly 3 and can parrot back at me how it's dangerous and how cars will hurt him etc etc... but at the end of the day he is a small child who is impulsive!

habbibu · 15/05/2012 12:33

He might be more amenable to a backpack, like this. You just clip a lead to it when you need to. And they can carry their own stuff...

Original poster

LaTristesse · 15/05/2012 12:39

I do use the Pushchair for most journeys, this morning was an exception as j wanted him to try the strap/reins. The thing I struggle with is the bit to and from the car. I think I'll just force the wrist strap upon him for those, but work on the reins at home and round the garden maybe. I appreciate he's too young to get it, but I see many of his friends walking brilliantly and hand-holding and everything do I assumed he would be capable of it. Guess he has other ideas! Thanks for the replies and ideas everyone...

OP posts:

tostaky · 15/05/2012 12:43

Like everything I think it more a case of explaining him over and over and over (and again still!!) until you are 100% sure he won't do it again.

Good luck

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