Arguing in front of baby

[happyhopefulmummy]

Can shouting and arguing in front of a 10 month old baby damage their brain development? Will it have long lasting, negative effects if the arguing stops when they become able to talk? Walk? Go to nursery? Have their 1st birtday? Would arguing damage a 2 month old?

Given a baby recognises it's DM's and DF's voices from the womb I think it might not be nice for them to hear them raised and angry.

Then again children learn how to manage their own adult relationships from their parents and seeing that two people who love each other do fight occasionally and then make up must be a normal part of that learning.

When you say fighting though I'm thinking along the lines of "Darn it DP you left wet towels on the bed again!" "Well I was in a rush, I had to be at work!" Not "Fuck you DP, you've snorted all my coke and that women is in our bed again!". Context may be key.

Honestly I don't know but I don't think it's very pleasant being around people who shout and a baby doesn't have the option to walk away. I also wouldn't want my child to think arguing and shouting was normal/acceptable behaviour.

If it was a one off or efforts were made to rectify the situation while they were still young I don't think it would do too much lasting damage but you might want to research the effects of excess cortisol to a child's brain.. It's one of the main reasons many parents choose not to let their children cry for extended periods.

Is there a reason you ask?

Yes, absolutely, they can be left in a state of hyper-arousal which can lead to ADHD-like symptoms as they get older. There is lots of research in this area, the data suggests they are most vulnerable up to the age of 4 as this is the most rapid phase of brain development. It could also affect their attachment style.

I just find that increasingly my husband and I are arguing more and more; shouting at each other, sometimes slammed doors, screaming. We also shout at the football, but I'm pretty sure that is ok!! Things escalate so quickly, even a relatively small issue can become full on screaming from me - it's mainly My fault I feel. I find it difficult to Verbalise my thoughts and get frustrated when he can't understand me and end up shouting and screaming. He, usually calm and definitely the rational one, has started to shout back.

I would never shout at my baby, apart from a firm "no" when he throws stuff off his highchair.

I feel so down and depressed and low at the thought this is damaging my child. I just see red sometimes. I know that's not Good. I don't even really know what to type or say - I feel that I want help. Why does such a
Relatively
Small issue become such a big deal? Is it his reaction to me? My frustration at verbalising things? I just know I love my baby
More than anything and don't want me to cause any damage. :(

yes it can. It is also recognised as a form of child abuse
sorry to be harsh but you did ask

Shouting at an adult is a form of child abuse????

when you do it in front of a child, yes

It depends how often and what about - as Debeez said, children learn 'how' to argue and what is and isn't OK from their parents. Normal, occasional, non-violent or non-abusive rows are one thing, frequent or violent or emotionally abusive arguments are another.

Most children experience their parents having the odd row from early on (why haven't you put the bloody bins out AGAIN, sort of thing) and grow up to be perfectly well-adjusted.

I have a friend whose parents never argued on front of him, and that did him no favours - he didn't know how or what was appropriate in that situation when he grew up.

Well, I think that's a little ridiculous when you're talking about a 10 month old. He has never had a raised voice directed at him, he's smothered in kisses and loved unconditionally. I would totally agree of you were talking about shouting AT a child.

This is a relationship issue between myself and husband, who more often than not, by the by, have a loving and good relationship. I'm
Not suggesting our house is full of screaming 24/7! Just that it has increased and now we have a baby we are conscious of that. I say a couple of times a week he sees this.

Fliss, yes that makes sense. I guess I just worry because there is never a "naggy" fight, i will end up screaming at him and also swearing.

God, I sound awful. :(

how is it ridiculous?
what he sees now will stay with him forever. it will be the basis on which everything else is formed
some arguing is normal, but I just find that increasingly my husband and I are arguing more and more; shouting at each other, sometimes slammed doors, screaming doesn't sound that normal
and why did you ask the question? I think you already know the answer.

and how can a 10 month old distinguish when he hears shouting, screaming and swearing if it is directed at him or not?

"what he Sees now will stay with him forever"

??? Can you remember anythinat from when you were 10 months old?

I didn't ask if he'd remember it, I asked if it would affect the development of his brain, how he would be with people. Of course he isn't going to ever any of this, but I wonder if he will, for example, shout more at 16 because of something that twigged in his brain whilst young.

** remember any of this, I mean. Sorry!

Do you know what I will share an experience of mine.

I suffered from PND and found this v tough for the first 6m. When DD was 5m DH and I had a bit of a row, not a bad one but I raised my voice to him very quickly and in a matter of moments she went from happy and gurgly to a furrowed brow and started to sob.
I never forgot that and I was always incredibly mindful of how much a bad atmosphere can affect a tiny baby. It made me wonder about babies born into screaming, chaotic homes and the ways it must affect them later on.

I think it matters. I will never forget the look of distress and alarm on my 9 month old daughters face when I was ranting at my mum about my DH :( I don't know whether she knew I was talking about her dad, was distressed because I was stressed and sad, thought I was shouting at her or just upset because if the negative atmosphere.

But she knew she didn't like it. She looked distraught. And I've tried very hard to not alarm her unnecessarily ever since. I disagree with DH and others in front of the children and have discussions, but I have have one eye on their faces and would temper the disagreement if it went far enough for them to react. And I try very very hard not to rant around the children.

So, in response to your question, YES, undoubtedly they're aware and it will affect them. If its every once in a while, then I am sure they'll cope. If it is a regular occurance, surely they're learning that this is a normal way to communicate and getting used to the higher stress levels that arguments bring? I don't agree with your expectation that your baby knows you're not shouting AT them. It is horrible and stressful witnessing tension and arguments even if you're not involved :(

during your arguments your baby will be stressed and stree causes the brain to produce cortisol. High levels of cortisol can be toxic to a developing brain, leading to all sorts of problems. That's what i meant by the effects will stay with him forever. Not that he will remember it, but it will affect him.

Interesting posts happy and hey, thankyou.

I will definitely keep a look out if it ever happens again in front of the baby.

The last thing I would want is my little one fucked up because I got too
Angry or frustrated that my husband does things to annoy me. I'm really interested in the pyschological effects and brain development if there is shouting around. I need to see and hear thugs to
Drive home to
Me that I need to bite my lip and shut up sometimes.

Insan, thanks I understand now. I will hae a google and read about that. I never thought of that, thankyou.

Have you thought about relationship counselling?

I left my ex when DD was 11.5mo. I always thought our unhealthy relationship went over her head. It actually frightened me how much she changed within a matter of days of my leaving her father. She suddenly relaxed and was far happier than she'd ever been.

It broke my heart to realise that our arguing had had that effect on her but confirmed that I'd done exactly the right thing and for the right reasons.

I can recommend Why love matters by Sue Gerhardt www.whylovematters.com/
It came too late for me as my children are older (22 and 15 so I've screwed them up already) but it is a fascinating read

happyhopefulmummy you don't sound at all awful, you sound like a concerned Mother who is reflecting on what is best for your baby, you are right to be concerned about your child being exposed to volatile behaviour - even if its not directed towards him.

I don't think its helpful to suggest you are bringing your child up in an abusive household as we do not have all the facts here and you clearly love your child very much, but to give you some context I'm aware of this research due to my work in child protection. Unpredictable caregiving, exposure to shouting/ volatile behaviour and domestic violence can all impact upon the infant's neurological development and as I said upthread they are at their most vulnerable from 0 - 4 years. It is responsible and commendable of you to consider how your/ your DH's communication style might impact upon your child, I wish I met more parents with your insight :)

Good luck finding away forward, you could maybe speak to Parentline if you wanted to discuss this further with a 'real life' professional: familylives.org.uk/how-we-can-help/confidential-help-line

Ah, see our baby is the happiest little soul you'll ever see. He is constantly grinning, smiles at everyone, laughing and isn't hard work at all. And I obviously dont want the potential negative aspects of his future personality to come from us

Allthequeensmen - thankyou for your post. I didn't even know something called parent line existed. I will call them tomorrow. ,