is my dd emotionally immature?

[familyfun]

if i describe my dds behaviour, how old would you guess she is?

she wont be left at a friends house or party
she cried and clung for weeks at the start of the school year and still sometimes runs back for another kiss
if she is playing on the roundabout and another child comes over she runs off
she started swimming lessons but after a few weeks cried through the whole lesson and refused to go back
she wants to dance but wont start lessons as i would be in next room
if an adult speaks she rarely answers and if she knows them very well she whispers an answer so they hardly hear
if asked to make a choice she takes forever so people get bored waiting and choose for her
she cries at the slightest bump
she cries if her sister takes something off her
she cries if a toddler pushes past her
she cries if we say stop doing something cos its bathtime
she cries having her hairwashed
she cries having her hair brushed

academically, she reads phonic books easily and reads enid blyton although finds the chapters long. she writes long stories, spelled wrong but phonetically, she knows 3d shapes, adds 14+8, subtracts 20-5, knows 2 times table, 5 times table, 10 times table, some of 3 times table, will read out in assembly, takes part in plays, reads at school and talks in small group.

how old would you guess she is please?

if she asks for a friend round, i invite them and she plays nicely, her friends are quiet like her.
yes she likes small groups and i think reception class of 28 is a shock after 12 in nursery.
she likes to sit quietly and draw which we let her do at home.
she is cautious physically which is why i think she moves out of the other kids way so as not to get hurt.
apparently she is well behaved at school but as soon as she comes home she is crying and whinging and whining and shouting at me and every weekend she ends up crying cos she shouts and moans so much. i want to have happy times with her to help her confidence but its hard.

yes she is very shy and lacks confidence

also, dd2 is only 17 months and goes to baby groups but prefers to bring me a book or bead game than run round wildly with other toddlers so i think she may be the same personality.

As somebody else said, your DD is a sensitive soul. I teach in Early Years and she seems quite bright. IME some academically bright children can take a bit longer to develop with regards to PSE and I have to remind myself just because a child can read well it doesnt always follow that they will be emotionally mature.

BTW my eldest DD is what the hairdresser calls "headsore." She is nearly 8 and has to brush her hair herself. It takes ages as it is quite painful.

Please dont worry at the moment. She will get there!

OP, please stop seeing this a . It is just her. Mayeb her upset at home could be down to her feeling that she needs to be more confident and outgoing with you and with the things you do as a family and she just isn't comfortable with that yet?

How much does she have a say in what you all do as a family / after school clubs etc? Please note, I dont advocate giving kids total control over what they do, but certainly deciding together what she likes to do may make her feel a little happier out of school?

yes i think they treat her older (and we do) because of the sentences she uses and her reading/writing. she is grouped academically with year 2 for ehr work and often talks about her friends in that year and they like her too as they seek her out before and after school to chat to her.

i will not push any groups out of school as i think school tires her a lot. she is asleep by 7.30 exhausted and her tantrums are always after dinner.

gnocci, she asks to go swimming with us which we do fortnightly and she asks to go to the park which i do when weather is nice and she asks for soft play which we do too. cant think of anything we drag he along to really, at church she sometimes stays out of sunday school or sometimes she asks me to go with her which i do (im the only mom there)

Sorry, I didn;t mean to imply that she is dragged anywhere, just that of the things she does do, there may be some things that she does out of more 'duty' than enjoyment.

Obviously that isn't the case though.

i definitely think she needs more one to one time, its hard cos dd2 needs watching constantly at the moment. at the park all afternoon and while dp took dd2 on the swings i played with dd1 and made sure she was the centre of my attention, then we swapped over for a bit so she was having fun.

She is exactly the same age as my DD and sounds pretty much exactly the same academically (pretty sure she is not actually my DD though!) and DD had many of the same traits up to a few months ago. Indeed the teacher had real problems knowing what to do with her- tried to put her with older children for her work but said she was simply not emotionally mature enough to deal with it so now differentiates within class. She has become more confident in the last few months and a lot of the clinginess has gone (though we still have a good chunk of the moaning etc!). I think a lot of the confidence came from bonding more closely with children in class. I had a concerted effort to meet up with someone from the class every monday (so least tired) and perhaps that helped. If your DD is not in the class it may be more difficult to find her place. I was put up at school and found it really hard to be fully part of the year above.

I also try to build her up, look for good things that she does (not work - behaviour/interaction) and give her positive ways to deal with her bad behaviour. E.g. she has taken to doing sorry cards if she has a meltdown and just getting her pens out and asking if she wants to do one seems to help.

Sorry that's a ramble but may be helpful.

Just catching up with posts but you could have described my dd1 who's exactly the same age and is very very similar in her behaviour. I do feel my dd is socially immature and shy and I also often treat her as if she is older. I get quite frustrated with her at times but the key for me is to remind me that she is not even 5 years old and so small. She has a fantastic teacher this year and I have seen a big change in her.
I think maturity and confidence will come . Fingers crossed!

thanks tess, dd hasnt been moved up a year, she is in reception for all play/swimming/stories/computer work etc but all reading in infants is in ability groups and she is in a group in year 2 as she has finished the infant scheme. i think she gets on well with this group though.
she has friends in her year and a few come to play with their moms.
yes i must try to praise her on behaviour rather than just academic stuff.

its nice to hear that others are the same.
sorry cards are a great idea.
dd loves her teacher, she likes a lot of adult attention.
teachers think she will like year 1 even more due to more sitting down and structure.

Tbh I think a lot of young reception children are like this. It's just, as you say, that if the child seems older in some ways you can expect them to act older and that really isn't fair!

Sorry mistook your comment for suggesting she had moved up. Luckily there is a child in dd's class at roughly the same reading level so they do comprehension work together. That child is a 1 sep baby and her mum worries about her getting bored and frustrated with the immature games and amount of free play so I guess each age has it's own problems!

other than the academic stuff - which my dd is too young for yet - she sounds very like my dd. Not so much the clinginess, but certainly the abandoning stuff/rides if other children are near them etc (she's 3.3). I do worry about it a bit - she is so often overwhelmed by the rough and tumble, but she is confident in her interactions with adults and with people she knows well, so she knows how to do it, and the circle of trusted people is gradually widening. I try to focus on the positive aspects of her behaviour, e.g. praising her for taking turns/allowing other children on things (this gives her a positive way to view her actions). Is your dd physically small for her age? My DP always says that it's important to not make her personality into a negative - to let her know that it's actually fine to be a quiet person with a small group of friends. And she is dead right.

dd was small for her age, started nursery in 2-3 clothes and a 18-24 month coat but has had a growth spurt and is now average height slim build.

we do need to be more positive with her.

another thing is she spills everything and we get annoyed with ehr as its so often.
everyday she spills her milk because she doesnt concentrate, she carries it and spills it or puts in at the edge of the table then turns and spills it or if there is a straw she pulls the straw out and milk pours out the end, she has spilled milk twice today and just sits there like noting has happened.
she also puts her arm through her dinner getting food all over her arm most days, surely by almost 5 she should be able to eat/drink without such a mess.

its like she is in a dream world, standing looking around, not hearing what we say, doing the same thing over and over and not learning.

Your dd's behaviour sounds completely normal- don't worry. There is a lot of focus on how extrovert children are and shyness seen as a hugely negative trait which I think is a pity. There are some very positive aspects of being s little shy- shy children often can develop into quietly confident, thoughtful, perceptive children with very high self esteem.

This post could have been written about my daughter at 4. She is now
5.3 and whilst she'll never be the centre of attention she's developing
independence and confidence all the time and has really come out of her shell.

Focus on the things she loves and is good at rather than the 'problem' areas and don't worry too much about what the teachers say. teachers
were also v concerned about my dd but she changed and grew in her own time.

familyfun - think our dds are long-lost cousins (though dd's cousin is scarily competent in every regard, even at 3.9); mine slops drinks everywhere, gets food all over her sleeves (and mucks about with it if she is bored with it - drives me insane), even though if she concentrates she can manage fairly well.

i can see she is getting more confident as she skips into school after a quick kiss most days wheras at the start of the year she was clinging to me crying having to be dragged off by teacher, and if she does come back for another kiss she is then happy to go in and she skips out happily every day and tells me everything she has done.
she happily goes off for days out with her grandparents in the hols which she wouldnt have done until she was 3.
the funny thing is, in the house she is very confident, when our friends come over or kids come over to play she is chatty and plays well, she talks to delivery drivers etc.

Goodness. My daughter still does a fair bit of that on occasion, and she is 8.

Although she is a bit further ahead academically - what with being 3 years older :)

you could be describing my dd in many ways. she is very bright academically but is very sensitive and cries at the slightest little thing. she is now in year 1 and has improved loads since reception and mixes more with the class and her confidence has grown. imo i think you should keep re-assuring her that its ok not to be brilliant at everything (something my dd struggles with!) im sure she will gain her confidence. I totally thought you were talking about a 6-7 yr old!

dd cried today as her sister had a yellow straw and hers was blue and she wanted the yellow one??
but she also happily played with a friend she hadnt seen in months.

i am making an effort to praise her for behaviour/non academic achievement/kindness.

she can be the sweetest big sister so im praising anything nice she does for dd2.