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Racist language "in innocence", depressing and frustrating.

7 replies

tightwad · 11/05/2012 17:17

My sister and mother swear in front of my niece, always have done. This includes racist names and comments.
Both are angry, ill tempered, argumentative and opinionated, difficult people.
Niece has just turned 9 and is very much like them.

Today in school she used racist language when asked about religions.

The school have taken this very seriously and have suggested that if she is witnessed using such language again, she will be excluded from the school.
They have told my sister that the child involved parents will need to be informed.

My sister is very unhappy about this, she sees no issue. Says it was said innocently by niece as she doesnt understand what it means.

This is just one example of things that my niece has picked up from my mum & sister that is innapropriate and has made her unpopular or fall out with kids. She thinks its normal, has no idea that things she says and does are just not right.

I say nothing, but DH said that i should have at least opened up some conversation about how wrong this all is. I do not feel that i could have any meaningful convo with my sister as it will lead to arguments and very very bad feeling.
Its just frustrating as this truly is affecting my little nieces relationships/friendships/social interactions and now her education.
Nieces dad is not on the scene and my mum gives 70% of the childcare for neice.
Btw we had a very violent and agressive upbringing with my mother so she has always been like this, i moved out at 16, my contact is minimal because of the frustration and my mother is hard to get along with. BUT im helping out sister with school runs at the mo as she has no transport..so i get to hear stuff i wouldnt normally.
Sad

OP posts:
lovechoc · 11/05/2012 17:21

I'm afraid I'd be upfront with your sister (if you can get her on her own rather than when your niece is around that would be ideal) and tell her how inappropriate this all is. She won't like it, but sometimes you've just got to be plain speaking about it. I'd have to say something if I was in your shoes...hope things improve for your niece, what an environment to be growing up in. She'll grow up assuming that all families are like this. Poor kid.

tightwad · 11/05/2012 17:23

I used to have her over to our house allot to get her out of it, but she has got quite bad and i dont really like my ds exposed to it, so its gradually dwindled.
Even if is tell her to please dont swear/say that/shout those words, she thinks its funny and carries on. We dont swear or shout you see, so im not sure how to deal with it.
wus emitcon....

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EdithWeston · 11/05/2012 17:33

If your DSis thinks a 9 year old doesn't understand the nature of the language she's in denial.

I hope the school will continue to deal with it, and she can learn there before it's too late.

You can enforce behavioural standards under your roof. If she does not comply, after a fair warning, then take her home.

Children can, and do, learn to use different types of speech according to context and situation. What is acceptable at her house is not for you to deal with (even though from what you've said it sounds dreadful that she is exposed to it). But learning to speak expletive- and insult-free standard English is a skill that will stand her (and indeed everyone) in good stead for adult life. You can help.

tightwad · 11/05/2012 17:50

Yes but how can i help?
I wouldnt presume to comment as school are dealing with this and have oulined how serious this is.
I cannot overide my very difficult sister and mother. (dare not!)

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EdithWeston · 11/05/2012 18:40

You help her by setting the standards under your roof, but you have to follow through and enforce them.

I can see the enforcement bit is likely to be tricky ('Please do not speak in that way. XYZ is considered offensive and I do not want it said here. If you cannot control your language you will have to go home". "I asked you not to use offensive language. Do not do so again here. This is a final warning that if you do so again, you will have to go home". "I warned you twice about offensive language. Now get your things").

How will this go down with DSis?

msrantsalot · 12/05/2012 19:22

let them sort it out, and if shes with you then tell you its not allowed.

tightwad · 13/05/2012 17:41

My house my rules has always applied to be honest and she knows this.
But i still find it depressing that she is exposed to this and sad for her future.

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