4.5yr old DS, don't know which problem to tackle first-I'm failing

[lostboysfallin]

He's just woken up howling after a bad dream and it's all linked to me picking him up from preschool.

DS went full time to nursery at 3, when I went back to work, had been there for couple of afternoons since he was one. Loves it, thrives there, fabulous nursery. No issues there except he can be a bit loud and boisterous.
Recently, as I didn't have much work, I picked him up early a few times. He has since been asking me to pick him up before tea(4) because he will miss me. Seems genuine and he has started to say things like he doesn't want the babysitter to come ever again because he will miss me. Gets very teary.
Separation anxiety at 4.5? Never had any problems before.
Anyway his dream tonight was that I came to pick him up before tea, and he didn't come home with me, he was sobbing, so obviously all on his mind.
So how do I reassure him?

Secondly, I have been concerned about his behaviour for a while now, but think I will have to get him checked out. The only time he is calm is when he is asleep. And it is taking him over an hour to get to sleep, he us tossing and turning and a million random questions, just taking him a long time to relax

Also, his behaviour and attitude is exhausting. Silly huge tantrums, a bit cheeky, talking back, not listening.
I have finally booked a GP appt for next week, and I'm going to start by asking to get his ears checked out(just in case there is a problem) and then discuss his behaviour

He is a beautiful lively affectionate boy
and I am failing him, please any thoughts or ideas how to combat this?

I've just started 1,2,3 magic, anyone had any luck with this?

Ds really started separation anxiety when he went full time at school. He had (in September) a week of part time-fine, but then went full time and since then he's been more clingy. If I'm going out in the evening he used to be happy with daddy, or even big sisters, now I'll usually have to detatch him from round my neck to go.

I think part of it is a gain in language skills, but also in a bit of manipulation. He knows exactly how to play to your heart strings and he knows it. "I miss you" "I'm lonely" "I love you so much" all are his phrases when he wants me to stay. He's never had a problem once I've gone.

Ds does have ear issues, but he's always had them, so I don't think it's related.

Could he also be worrying about school? I thought ds would have no transition problems as he's been in and out of the school daily since the day he was born with his sisters, and seemed to be very much looking forward to it. I was surprised by how hard he found it in the end.

It sounds from what you have said, that DS is feeling insecure at the moment. I would talk to the GP as I found my DS was often over sensitive if he was incubating an infection. He had a recurring dream, which was "the spiders were laughing at me" which sounded to me as if he'd been teased or was anxious about something, and from which he would wake in the night crying. I did my best to reassure him that I wouldn't let the spiders hurt him and comforted him, but it makes you feel awful doesn't it that you can't protect them from everything?

I don't think that separation anxiety at his age is unusual, nor is his behaviour. He is testing you to see if you will always be there for him and love him no matter what. Are you a lone parent because if he thinks you are all he has he may worry about you. Particularly sensitive DC can hear things on TV about parents dying or their children being stolen and magnify it out of proportion. (The Madeleine McCann case was back in the news recently for example)

Perhaps you could try asking him directly what is worrying him, because you could try to help him if you know what it is?

Could it also be that your ds is becoming more aware of his "self" so to speak and realising that there is a world out there full of interesting things that he wants to explore but at the same time needs you near and is afraid that his growing independence might take him away from you and safety?
I know I've probably not made sense at all and children can't articulate it well either but my ds also has separation anxiety as well in the same way you describe and going to school has made it worse (sorry!), but he does feel a tug between his growing independence and being wrapped up in mummy's cuddles at home.
Its like he is scared but wants to grow up explore at the same time.

Sorry for the ramble, someone will put it much more succintly I'm sure. Don't really have any answers yet. Ds will not join clubs etc after school as will miss me etc. It is hard!
He seems quite confident on the surface so its rather confusing. Oh and was worried about his ears too but doc ruled out any problems.

I can see some similarities between your Ds's behaviour and my DD's. She is just 4 and every night for the past 2 weeks she either has a huge tantrum around bedtime or starts crying then screaming about 1-2 hours after falling asleep. She is also being quite clingy, not wanting to go to nursery yet seems to enjoy herself there and often doesn't want to leave at the end of the day. DD is a master procrastinator with lots of questions. She also does not listen when too absorbed by whatever she is doing.

I think DD is aware that she will be going to school in September and she is worried about the change. To complicate matters, she knows I am pg and I had a major health scare two months ago and ended up in hospital for a few days. Also DH is often away for work.

DH and I are just trying to keep things as calm as possible. We try to give her enough warning if one of us is not going to be home in the evening. We are also trying to be very consistent with what we expect from DD with respect to behaviour.

Aw, it's all so complicated, bless their souls. What on earth is going on in their little heads?!

It does seem to be a lot about school.
We've had a sticker chart for all the things he's had to do because he's a big boy now. He's done really well, getting himself dressed and wiping his own bum!
He's even saying things himself now like, "that can be another new thing I can do myself"

My friends DD was really upset with all the talk about going to school. She was really worried she wouldn't be able to do what the teacher asked.
I've tried not to make is sound worrying, maybe he'll feel better when he goes for a visit.

Not a lone parent but dh is away a lot and not really here during the week.
Things have been a bit tense between us recently and I feel very guilty, but have tried very hard to shield DS from it.

Another thing that is evident is that he has to be the joker, the funny one that entertains everyone. He's very much one of the leaders in his class.
Maybe that's an insecurity too.
I'm so sad about this

Oh yes, DD is also the joker and leader. She has to win at everything too and is just starting to realise that might not always be the case. I think some of the problem is around what control they have over their own lives. So DD is trying to push the limits constantly to test what she can change. This means that tantrums can start over something as trivial as how many stories she gets before bedtime.

So lostboys, your situation is similar to a lone parent in that you have most of the responsibility of discipline and day to day stuff like bath and bedtime story. I think DH being away so much doesn't help either you or DS sadly. (I'm not blaming anyone btw, just think that DS would benefit from it if he was there more)

I think the best thing you can do is encourage, praise the good, and reassure and support them through their worries. Don't expect them to be grown up all the time. It helps to keep the security of the daily routine as best you can. Make time for a cuddle with a story each day. Let them regress a bit and play with younger age group toys, and make sure their is a chill-out time every day when they can just potter about or do quiet stress free activities. Keep this up after they have started school as well.

I can recommend story CD's for listening to in bed for those DC who find it hard to drop off. So much nicer than tossing and turning, and a distraction from worrying about things.

Thanks so much for all your responses, I want to come back on do many points, but not enough hours in the day!

I've just had 3 huge tantrums one after the other.
I'm completely frazzled, shaking.
Came home from preschool on his bike, and he wanted a toy out of a machine and couldn't understand that I didn't have any money. Sobbing and wailing until the man in the shop gave him a pound.
Then wanted to pick up a rubbish bag to take home, filthy, when I said no, I had to wrestle him to stop him running in the road to get it.
Eventually got back on his bike, 2 minutes later wailing and sobbing because he wanted to have tea in the Dallas Chicken shop. We have never been there before!!

He's calm now, eating tea and watching tv, I'm exhausted and my nerves are shot

You know lost boys, I wonder if the tantrums happen when he has low blood sugar, I know adults who get really snappy and bad-tempered when they are hungry, quite unreasonably so in most cases. Perhaps take a small snack for him to eat on the way home from pre-school, after which he may well be tired and hungry especially after a disturbed night.

You will have to develop a thicker skin to be able to ignore the tantrums themselves, once he realises he can get to you they will increase in frequency and duration as he attempts to get what he wants. He needs you to demonstrate that you are in charge and control of yourself and him, when he cannot be. Whatever is happening between you and DH is no reason to feel that you must be easy on discipline with DS, but I think DH should stop hiding behind work and start being a parent. I'm sure DS is aware of the tension and is anxious also.

You mentioned a babysitter in your op and that hhe doesn't want the babysitter to come 'ever again'. Don't wish to alarm you but could there have been a problem there which you don't know about?

Very interesting threads. I'm just marking my place so I can come back to it.

I agree about the low blood sugar. I always have a snack in the car when I pick DD up from nursery. She has only just eaten tea there when I pick her up but seems to need more. Also at Easter, DD had a completely irrational tantrum for no reason and it only stopped when we persuaded her to eat.