Confidence Issues

[scrappydappydoo]

DD1 is 6 and in yr 1. I'm really struggling with how to help her at the moment. She has no self-confidence and its driving ME mad. Everything whether its maths, riding a bike, handstands, running a race is turned into this big drama. She either point blank refuses to try because she 'knows' she won't be able to do something or she gets one little thing wrong and she gives up or we have sobbing and crying because she can't do something (cos she didn't bloody try it grr). I am running out patience and understanding. We give her lots of cuddles and reassurance, we very gently push baby steps if we think she can handle it and give her masses of encouragement and praise when she does something no matter how small but it doesn't seem to make any difference to how she sees herself. I just find it so frustrating as I don't know how to help her.
Please give us some advice.

Stop pushing. Leave her alone. My DD is 7 now (8 in July) and was very like this...I had an enormous amount of irritation with her...which I had to stamp on as they SEE it. They feel the pressure of you willing them to be more confident and of course this makes them worse.

Don't make her do anything at all...she's only 6 and some kids just take longer...only this year has my DD begun to learn to swim....she's joined Brownies tonight and I see her coming on well.

I too have a not very confident child. My DS is very very shy, and sensitive,but has friends and his passions. It is just how he is. My concern is that now his school are having him assessed as they say it is affecting his education...at 6!! It is an "outstanding" school, and I can't help but feel that this just means that they label children quicker, so as they can explain slower targets. I do agree with House on the Corner, children are who they are. But there does seem to be this ethos and preasure that gregarious confident children are the ideal model. But I think not so. It is hard and exasperating, but I can't help but feel that teachers/experts, can make it feel all the more worse, and the child is the one who picks up on that first.

I share your plight, I just want my DS to feel good about himself, and at his own pace.

DD is very shy too (although not as bad as yours I don't think). She's in reception and at parties all the other mums drop their kids off and go and I have to sit there and give her a cuddle for an hour, then by the time she starts enjoying herself there's only 20 minutes left! It's so annoying as I want her to get the most out of life and just enjoy herself. Also I have to go into the classroom with her in the morning while all the other kids just queue up and go in on their own. She's never been over a friends house to play after school, or had any friends to play here on their own. I just think she'll get there in her own time. She's just started swimming classes which she absolutely loves, and does a dance class with her cousin which is really really helping her confidence, but she sort of had to find the thing she wanted to do iyswim? I think there's a lot to be said for trying not to push her to do anything, but then you naturally want to encourage them, it's so hard. Is it that she's trying and failing to do things or she doesn't want to try them in the first place? If she's trying and failing then at least she's trying, so I guess it's biting your tongue and trying to reassure (and distract?) her, and if she doesn't want to try things in the first place then just leave it be for a while. The most important thing is that she knows how much you love her and will always love her, and the rest will come. Really good luck.

I left DD alone in the end when I realised that she didn't want to go to dancing, or drama or skating or ANY of the things I suggested...for DD the things which are great are drawing, reading and makng stuff...she also lkes riding her bike long distance with us...this has I think had a BIG impact on her confidence and I would urge any parent with a shy child to give it a go.

We go for miles and miles as a family...she's only 7 but can easily ride 6 or 7 miles in a go...we have a break in the middle but I think she'd be fine without.

It has given her a quiet confidence somehow and she's coming on well. She's also joined Brownies at her own instigation and is loving it. This is after almost 2 years of leaving her to herself....she stll goes quiet when a strange adult talks to her but thats fine inn my opinion and will come with time.

younglady I think if I had been growing up now instead of the 70s, they would have assessed me. I was "odd" and very, very shy at times. I MAY have issues which are undiagnosed....your DS is probably just shy and sensitive...but they can check him for what they want it won't change who he is and if they DO come up with a diagnosis then you can get a 2nd opinion OR just say fine..whatever...nobody will know he's been labelled at all and they may just have strategies to help him.

If it gets too much there's always home education....I think this when I consider High School!

Oh and "odd" or not, I still did very well academically and socially...I took a bit longer with the social stuff but by the age of 11 I was great with it all and by 16 I was flying....younger than 10? I used to sit on the grass on my own! It was what I wanted to do! I remember clearly thinking "I don't want to play some rough game of tag when I an make daisy chains!"

Thanks for your replies.
We try not to push, she decides she wants to do something and we encourage her. She then has a crisis of confidence so we try to help her through it which sometimes means being a little hard - so for example ballet - she was desperate to go loved it for 4 weeks then all of sudden for no reason that we know of is 'too scared' to go. We had paid for the term so said she had to stick it out for at least that - she did and then 2 weeks later was back to loving it again. This scenario repeats itself with all sorts of things and its this I don't know how to handle.
I'm feeling like a crap mother because I feel I'm letting her down by not 'knowing' her and knowing what she is thinking and feeling, and knowing what to do about - sort of motherly instinct iyswim (and yes I know its about her and not about me).

It sounds like she gets a bit put off when things get tougher...when she's not new anymore...if I were you I would just brush those comments off. WHen she says she's too scared just be vague.."oh dear...well I'm sure you'll feel better when you get there" type of thing.

It could be that as things get more challenging, she feels a natural "laziness" about continuing to try...why don't you do incentives? Rewards for things?

With the ballet I fully understand you not giving up...but with things like bike riding...leave it.

TheHouseOnTheCorner: Totally agree. I have started looking back at what I was like when I was a child. I think I would have been labelled too, so does my husband! So bless our DS eh?

scrappydappydoo: As much as you, or I, am Mothers to our DD/DS, we carried them for nine months, and adore and cherish everything about them, but they are their own "people". They make their decisions, chose what they want and stand their ground. You are NOT inept at all, we cannot read their minds. As they grow and get older, their identity's become stronger, and more independent. Perhaps your DS is showing a bit of strength, in a way, and not just "following" what she has been told or what her other peers are doing? You can look at it either way? One thing I know about my DS is, is that he will always follow with what feels right to him, and in some sort of way, I find that sort of assuring.

I stand by the not fussing too much...they sense it...my DD began a new school in Sept...year three so very awkward as by this time they have all "got" a best friend and tend to be a bit cliquey....she had some tough times at the start but I refused to start inviting loads of girls over to play (as her teacher suggested) because I felt that it would be forcing the issue...I knew there was ONE girl she played with so did ask her...but I wont do forced playdates as out of 20 girls there'll be three or four that may gel with my DD and chances are I'd invite the wrong ones...

I left it and last week DD was asked on a playdate...she's made friends in her own time...they're SO young at 6 and 7...and in this era of levels and expected developmental stages there is too much room for error and to many factoids to make poor parents panic.

I say let the poor kids have some space to dig up worms and draw endless pictures of cats if that's what they want! Life's tough and if you can't please yourself when you're 6 or 7 well that's not on!

Id get her checked for AS, just to rule it out, as she sounds just like a child I know.

I'm not sure it's quite AS. From what OP describes. I have an AS ds, but let me assure you that AS is quite 'complex'.

Probably not, but worth checking, just to rule it out

I don't think she sounds AS either! Just a bit attention seeking.