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Original poster

"i don't love you mummy"

21 replies

iliketea · 09/05/2012 17:57

DD (2.5yo) has started telling me she doesn't love me at every opportunity, normally after informing me she loves daddy / the cats / her comforter / baked beans etc, then "but i don't love you mummy"

I know its probably just phase, but what is the correct response? At the moment I just either ignore it or say "oh well, i love you enough for both of us" - is that reasonable?

Also anyone have experience of how long this phase might last? I know she doesn't mean t but after several weeks of hearing it 3 or 4 times a day, it's making me feel a bit sad.

OP posts:
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laracroft2001 · 09/05/2012 18:19

I think your response is perfect!

WhereMyMilk · 09/05/2012 18:26

Response is fine, or could go for, I'm sorry to hear that, it makes mummy feel a bit sad. I love you loads.

She might realise that saying hurtful things is, well hurtful really.

It is a phase though, and will pass, as does every other bloody phase :o

MrTumblesCrackWhore · 09/05/2012 19:46

It might help for you to get your dh, mum, whoever is close to you and her really, to say "I love you" to you in front of her and for her to observe the positive reaction you give to that. Just a thought.

Original poster
iliketea · 09/05/2012 20:09

Thanks for the support - every time dh hears her say it, he tells her that it's not a nice thing to say and that he loves mummy very much and gives me a hug.

I will try telling her that it makes me sad when she says it and see if that helps - here's hoping it's a quick phase. Logically I know she doesn't actually mean it, but it still makes me Sad. I didn't think I would have to deal with this sort of statement until dd was a teenager! Smile

OP posts:
BabydollsMum · 10/05/2012 13:55

Oh just reading this thread has made me sad! I wonder if she's just asserting a bit of independence from you. Do you know what I mean? She loves you and depends on you more than anyone, so in a kind of reverse psychology thing she might be testing it ie I'm so grown up I don't need/love Mummy anymore?

Just a thought.

milkysmum · 10/05/2012 14:00

My 3 year old frequently tells me exactly the same, she's been doing it for months. I used to get upset but now just see it as a phase that will pass (I hope). She has even started to try and get her new baby brother to join in " we don't love mummy do we" kind of comments Confused.

Gigondas · 10/05/2012 14:02

Yes my 3 year old says this or you aren't my best friend - the answer is you don't have to like/love me, I am your mum .
Works every time

Gigondas · 10/05/2012 14:03

Oh and the more reaction she gets the more she will do it.

Lozario · 10/05/2012 14:10

My DS 2.11 has started doing this. He always says it do cheerfully too!!! Hmm it has coincided with him refusing to hug or kiss people too, so must be an independence thing. He often tells me he doesn't love DH too but I don't tell DH that.... I just say something like, well that makes mummy feel a bit sad, and then go and do something else so he doesn't get lots of attention for it.

I think it's all exploring emotions isn't it, we also have a lot of "I'm so happy now!" and "I'm so sad now!" usually within the same breath.

EllieG · 10/05/2012 14:16

Mine did that - along with lots of 'I'm not your best friend'. I would say 'Well, Mummy is a bit sad about that, but I don't think you really mean it. But whatver you say Mummy still loves you lots' etc. She's stopped now and it's all loveyouloveyouloveyou again. Apart from when she's cross!

Wingdingdong · 11/05/2012 23:15

DD says that. Then five mins later she asks "are you still my friend, Mummy?" Grin. Think she's just checking the love really is unconditional...

FWIW, my standard responses are "oh dear, that's a shame. I love you, though" and "of course, I'm always your friend". Both are met with "for ever and ever? Really?". I'm fairly certain the words themselves are meaningless, they're just a way of asking me to say/confirm that I love her. It's also another way of exploring things through opposites.

DioneTheDiabolist · 11/05/2012 23:22

OP, your response is perfect.

Of course she loves you. She is testing the person she trusts most. YOU!

gafhyb · 12/05/2012 05:43

Don't show her you are rattled or sad. She won't get it. Breezy is the way. It's not a portent of the future

msrantsalot · 12/05/2012 19:11

your response is perfect. my 8 year old frequently tells me she hates me and she wishes I was dead. But then its always when im dropping her at school and she hates school. I just tell her I love her anyway, see you at 3 o'clock. I know and she knows she doesnt mean it. She just has no other words to tell me she isnt happy

TheSkiingGardener · 12/05/2012 22:26

Its a well known phase for kids to go through and there are a few theories about it. It's not personal! Your response sounds great, just reassuring her that it's ok, she's still loved.

It will pass.

conorsrockers · 13/05/2012 07:36

Skiing - I'd be interested to hear the theories!

TheSkiingGardener · 13/05/2012 20:42

That would mean remembering the details, I'm only half way through my course!

One of them is Martha Kleins theory of the shift between the paranoid-schizoid position and the depressive position. She was a barrel of laughs.

Another theory would be the shift from the mother-infant dyad to the parental tryad and beyond and the child experimenting with feeling anything other than complete twin ship with the mother.

It's all ingesting stuff and I need to do more reading!

skybluepearl · 13/05/2012 23:07

''well, I love you'' is a good answer but then don't say anything else and get on with the next thing.

birdofthenorth · 13/05/2012 23:20

My friend's DD is the same as as your's OP and is also going through this phase, in her case it is all the more painful as she and DD's dad are separated and she says this in front of exP Sad She has tried various responses with no real joy, including unfortunately bursting into tears when she said it at a difficult moment- still no change if tack from DD. I think my friend is just comforted that DD remains utterly physically affectionate and lovingly attached, and tries to remind herself DD has no real idea what she's saying. They've probably just hold older kids saying it when their parent's try to take them home from the playground etc and are trying it for effect. This too shall pass, I'm sure.

tigerlillyd02 · 13/05/2012 23:24

I personally wouldn't even engage in this. I think by acting sad and engaging in it, it gives them a reaction so will encourage them to say it all the more for that reaction which then obviously becomes more upsetting to you.

On a different level, my mum used to pretend to cry when one of my nieces hit her when she was a toddler - and of course to a toddler, nanny crying was hilarious and so they did it all the more and then escalated to others around them once that attention for it had been given.

I think if you feel you have to say something - like if you feel she's testing your love for her (I think she might be a bit young to think along these lines yet) then I'd say something like "well I love you too" more as a passing comment and continue with what you were doing like it's no big deal.

queenofthepirates · 14/05/2012 20:55

Reminds me of a conversation my poor mother overheard between myself and siblings that went something along the lines of

"how do we stop mummy singing?"
"I know, let's kill her"

I still feel awful about this (we were about 4 btw)

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