My DS has a best friend, I am not sure it's a good thing. Please help me with your experiences

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DS is 5 years old, he is a quiet boy, happy, doing well in school.

He is confident in his abilities, has no problem talking to adults, is happy to experience new things. I would say that he is a confident boy, but oddly enough doesn't seem confident on the social front.

Since the beginning of reception he established a strong friendship with one boy. They get on well and play together. Despite me inviting other boys for playdates, he is not branching out. I know the other children like him, but I think he just not confident enough to try and mix with them.

I am happy that he has a good friend, but I am also aware of the heartache this can cause (for example if friend moved schools, or decided to make a new best friend).

Next year they will mix the children (3 classes), I am trying to decide if it is best to keep DS and his friend together, or should I suggest to the school that is it best to separate them? I don't want him to be unhappy or feel isolated.

What are the school doing to support your son to develop his social skills? Bearing in mind most of this happens on "their time"...

I am struggling to see the benefit of enforcing a separation from someone he really likes. OK he may get that later anyway, or may not, but if you do it now you guarantee heartache, whereas if it happens later he may well have other friends then so it won't be as bad. I'm shuddering at the thought of engineering upset now to avoid upset later. I think that is a big mistake and an unnecessary degree of intervention.

It would be nice for him to have more friends, but not all kids are built that way and apart from encourage him, give him the opportunity and help him develop social skills - anything more is cruel.

You can't know that taking this friend away wouldn't make him worse not better. :(

@PurplePidjin: I spoke to the school a couple of months ago. Teacher was very receptive and encouraged DS to approach children and ask if he can join. I think it lasted a week and then he stopped. I am worried that maybe he was not included in games and is now afraid to try.

@GinPalace: Gosh, it does sound very very cruel when you put it like that, I feel very mean indeed. I give him as many opportunities as possible to develop social skills, but I am not with him at school so cannot help him there. My intention is not to "take his friend away", my thinking was that if they are not in the same classroom maybe DS will be encouraged to make other friendships, but I am sure during break time they will continue to meet up, and I will continue to invite his friend over, I want DS to keep his friend of course.

I am aware that this is a soft spot for me, I struggled socially my entire life. I don't want to project my own insecurities onto him, but I also don't want him to go through my same issues.

Time I can see your motive is good, but I would be very wary of meddling.

If his friend isn't as shy and makes other friends in his new class which your DS doesn't he could drift away from your ds - so easy at that age.

Then what if your DS is wanting him at breaktime but the other boy now has other friends, he could find himself sidelined. Or what if he decides he doesn't like school anymore as he has no-one to sit with in class? I think there are so many possible unintended consequences from separating them I would be very cautious.

It is one thing to support your child thru the events life throws their way - it is another for causing a situation, intended or no. How would you feel if the plan backfired?

Clearly you want him to enjoy a more socially confident childhood than you had, and I totally get that as I was very socially awkward as a child and teen myself.

But it is one of those skills a person has to come to - you can't force it, and it is a combination of innate personality and situation. All you can do is support and give all the opportunity to mix and be sociable which it sounds like you are doing.

I personally am not shy by nature but had a very difficult childhood - so once life was kinder I eventually found my way to being who I was deep down - sociable and lots of friends. But some people are naturally introverts (and god knows that is no bad thing), so even with all the best life can offer, will still not be centre of attention material, and will not miss having zillions of friends as a child. It is important a child is allowed to be who they are. We nurture and protect and they develop their true self.

It is no bad thing if your DS is not a social butterfly necessarily. Being able to have strong bonds with a few can be even more rewarding. my DH had a friend like this who was best-man at our wedding! Don't forget that while many children have dozens of bf's who can change weekly it is also possible to have very deep connections at that age too, and be just as happy with a friend or two as those who have lots of friends and suffer the heartache constantly shifting popularity stakes.

He may spread his wings when he is a older, but I think it is a mistake to force it - he sounds happy with his friend.

Keep doing what you are doing and encourage, help and support but think before you step in and try to engineer a situation.

Good luck your DS sounds lovely.

@GinPalace, thank you so much for your post, I think it was exactly what I needed to hear. I will not meddle.

"Teacher was very receptive and encouraged DS to approach children and ask if he can join. I think it lasted a week and then he stopped. I am worried that maybe he was not included in games and is now afraid to try."

Where's the dinner lady keeping an eye on him? Buddy system? Circle of friends? Friendship bench?

There is much much more they can and should be doing to encourage him!

@Purple: they don't seem to have any of that. I didn't want to approach the teacher again (don't want to look like a paranoid mother). Maybe I should.
I don't want him to notice my concern as well. Friendship bench sound a little over the top? I would have hated to sit somewhere begging from friendship, I think friendships need to grow naturally and cannot be forced.

They're just strategies used in school that could be used. I agree but for some kids, having somewhere specific to go if they find themselves out of the loop is easier than joining an established game. It can also remind the popular ones to check nobody's left out.

Sounds like a buddy or circle of friends might be a better option - a designated older child keeping an eye on him

I made sure when ds started school that he wasn't in the same class as another child he knew and saw a lot of. I wanted him to make friends and I knew he'd make no effort if he was in the same class as his friend. I think it would be preferable to have them in separate classes.

My dd1 has been in a separate form from her bf since juniors. It's been a bad thing for her, because the other girl pushes any potential friends away from her, while dd1 accepts any friends the bf brings. This means that the bf has an apparent circle of friends in her class at school, and dd1 is very isolated from the other girls in her form, which has lead to bullying.

Every parents' evening it's been commented that dd1 is too nice in the friendship and the other girl doesn't like her to have friends, but dd1 won't stand up for herself. It gets to the point that there's little the teachers can do if they always go back together.

I think if they'd been in the same form they would have evolved into a small group which would have been much more helpful for dd1.

Can I also add that you are talking about an extremely young child. Children change a lot between the age of 5 and 7, and also they way they relate to other children changes.

I also don't necessarily agree that being in the same class as his bf will prevent him from making new friends. Sometimes, having a bf beside you, encourages to branch out.

Please don't stop him from hanging with his little buddy! The teacher at my brother's school did that to him and it really properly broke his heart. Why shouldn't he enjoy a sweet and meaningful friendship? Why should everyone have to strive to have many friends? I was a shy one-or-two friend creature at school. I don't think I could have been any different if I had tried and it would only have made me feel inadequate if I'd tried but failed. I know it's not the ideal, but we are who we are and it's more important to feel accepted for who we are than to be constantly pushed to be someone different and better. I think Ginpalace has put it brilliantly, much more diplomatically than me, but the thought is the same I think. Hope I haven't made you feel bad- not my intention, just want your little guy to feel like its okay to be who he is. :)

I would just keep on doing what you are doing as GinPalace said - keep going with the playdates and encourage other friendships when you can. I'm saying that as a very worried parent whose DD has an absolute best friend who is about to move away so we will be facing the heartbreak soon enough. However, I think for the sake of security and companionship so early on in school I wouldn't be thinking of separating them to force the issue. I'm sure he'll develop a wider circle as he grows and develops at school.

'tis better to have loved and lost...

You want to spare him pain by not letting this friendship develop into anything that might hurt him if it breaks up- but that experience of caring deeply- and perhaps being hurt- is part of growing up, it's something he needs to learn. Later on it will be his first crush, then his first girlfriend... You wouldn't want him to grow up into a commitment avoider, would you?

He will not learn to handle his social and emotional life unless he is allowed to practise it. And in the end he has to go through the same life as the rest of us, full of pain and suffering, but also of joy and excitement.

I think one of the most important things we can do as parents is teach our children how to deal with loss and heartbreak. But we won't be in a position to do that if we are constantly hovering over them to ensure there is no occasion for heartbreak.

Also if you separate him he may go into a class that has already established friendships.
Dd1's new class had a very strong gang that were all together and several strong established friendships. This hasn't changed much over the last 4 years, and any new girls get very quickly sucked into the gang. Dd1 has no interest in being in this group as some of them are pretty horrid, but it also takes away any chance of friendship.