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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

3.5yr old bursting to to tears at the smallest things - driving me mad - HELP

20 replies

headingnorth · 07/05/2012 08:29

My dd is 3 and a half and she bursts into uncontrollable tears over everything, the smallest things and it's driving me mad. I know I shouldn't but I argue with her from the moment we get up to when she goes to sleep and I'm shattered - it is so tiring. we'd been up for 5 mins this morning when I said she couldn't wash her fluffy bunny in the sink and off she went, screaming and crying. I tried to ignore it and closed her door but that made it worse, it wasn't until I was in tears that she stopped. I'm a single mum so there's no one else to hand her over to. The naughty step doesn't help, she just sits there bawling her eyes out, there's no getting away from it. She must burst into tears over 30 times a day. I try and talk to her calmly, explaining why she can't have something or asking her if she's actually looked for the item she can't find but because she's crying so hard she doesn't listen, I end up shouting at her which inevitably makes things worse, as does ignoring her. Threatening to take away toys sometimes helps but that's lasts for 2 minutes until the next disaster. If I ask her not to do something it just doesn't seem to sink in. She doesn't listen to me. I've never been one to give in to tantrums so it's not like she is really spoilt and gets her own way all the time so i don't understand what I'm doing wrong or why she is like this. Even my family can't understand why my dd bursts in to tears all the time. I feel like an awful parent. Any helpful suggestions gratefully received.....

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plantsitter · 07/05/2012 08:34

DD1 (also 3) is a bit like this. How long has it been going on and how well is she sleeping? I find it's slightly better if a) she gets plenty of sleep b) I don't tell her off but give her a nice hug and then try and distract her and c) we don't watch too much telly (heartbreaking for me but unfortunately true).

Otherwise I'm gritting my teeth and saying 'this too shall pass'... you have my sympathies.

Flubba · 07/05/2012 08:45

DD2 (also 3.5) is a bit like this, and like plantsitter says, it's on days when she hasn't slept enough. Most days she wakes between 6 - 6:30 and tears can be expected a few times before breakfast at least (although they don't last long). On the very, very rare occasions that she sleeps longer, the morning is a breeze.
Unlike Plantsitter though, I do let her watch CBeebies after lunch (while DC3 naps), as she desperately needs the down time, and can often fall asleep in front of the telly if it's been a particularly tiring morning.

mrstgrlvr · 07/05/2012 08:50

Hi. Would you describe yourself or you DD as anxious at all? My neice is 11 now and has been very sensitive all her life and had similar behaviour at that age. My sis is a single parent too and struggled with the toddler years. I think highly strung kids just have a lower threshold for upset than most. It doesn't take much to tip them over to tears. If you think anxiety is an issue for either of you then the place to start is to observe and adjust your own behaviour and reactions and do what you can to stay as calm as possible all day and teach your DD the same. Things like yoga classes for you and yoga for kids can help teach relaxation exercises. If it continues you could have a word with your GP to get a bit of support from you both from a child psychologist or similar.

Of course the crying could still be a manipulation of you. Something your DD knows pushes your buttons. In which case it's still important to mind your own reactions. When do you pay her attention, how do you rise to the crying etc. Being a single parent is so hard. Don't know how you guys do it. Lots of luck and hope you get some support.

Original poster

headingnorth · 07/05/2012 08:51

It feels like it's been going on for ever! It's been really bad for a couple of months now. She sleeps pretty well, we go through stages of her waking at 3 in the morning and wanting to come into my room and this last week we decided she wanted to go nappy free at bedtime so i've been lifting her at 11pm but that's not really changed her daytime behaviour. Bedtime can be a bit of an issue as she doesn't always 'switch off' when she's put to bed and she'll come downstairs wanting to tell me something or she'll lie in bed singing and talking to herself. She doesn't watch very much tv as she can't sit still for long enough, we do stuff together - painting, drawing, tea parties, baking, playing outside etc... we spent a lot of time out and about at my mum's or my sister's houses but we've always done that. She has developed a few imaginary friends though and blames some stuff on them but I sort of play along with that and if i know she is lying she'll get told off.

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cleanandclothed · 07/05/2012 08:55

Ds does this but it is anger not upset crying. It is possible to distract him if I find the right way - sometimes ' oh look at this' or in extremes I film him on the iPod and then he stops and asks to watch!

Nyac · 07/05/2012 08:59

Do you think you could say yes to her more often

Could she have washed her fluffy bunny in the sink? What was the issue with that?

Flimflammery · 07/05/2012 09:09

Both mine will cry at every little thing if they're either hungry or thirsty (and DS will never realise that he's hungry or thirsty, or rarely will). Is there any pattern to it? Before breakfast? Before lunch? Just a thought.

Original poster

headingnorth · 07/05/2012 09:10

I wouldn't say I was particularly anxious. Money is always an issue but things are getting better as I now work part time while dd is as preschool. Have been on antidepressants in the past (last time was at the end of last year) but I've since taken myself off those and everything is going pretty good, although I kind of feel I'd quite like to go back on them right now!.

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Original poster

headingnorth · 07/05/2012 09:15

no pattern. All the time, any time.

As for saying yes more often, you make me sound like some sort of Hitler! I do say yes to things and I try to choose my battles but I'd like her to do as ask not just do what she wants. I was more than happy for her to wash her bunny but after breakfast but she didn't listen long enough to hear my explanation.

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maples · 07/05/2012 09:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

insancerre · 07/05/2012 09:21

Have you had her hearing checked?

plantsitter · 07/05/2012 09:21

I think the problem is they get some very particular idea about what's going to happen and then if it doesn't happen EXACTLY like that they find it incredibly hard to deal with the disappointment. Hence DD crying for about half an hour because she couldn't go on the pink trampoline at the farm yesterday (someone else was on it and she didn't want to wait or go on a different colour).

I really think it's mostly a question of waiting for them to grow out of it (or I bloody hope they will anyway). In the meantime, does it help if you answer with yes first so saying 'yes you can wash your bunny after breakfast' or if in between the yes and after breakfast she has gone off to do it 'after breakfast'?

It is hard though I agree.

wonkylegs · 07/05/2012 09:26

Our DS has been doing this recently (3.11) and it seems to be worse when tired. He's been a bit under the weather so has been more tired than usual which has lead to tears about the slightest thing.

Original poster

headingnorth · 07/05/2012 09:27

I've been meaning to get her hearing checked (she has balance issues too). As for the 'yes' at the beginning of a sentence I shall give it a try today. Need to sign off now as we have to go out but thanks for all the suggestions.

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insancerre · 07/05/2012 09:30

I have worked in pre-schools and have noticed that some children do get really anxious this time of year. They know they will be going to big school soon and they are terrified but unable to express their fears in the same way that we would. It can lead to some having emotional outbursts and dramatic changes of personality.

Tgger · 08/05/2012 23:31

Don't worry it's normal. Normal but yes, it drives you potty . The key is not reacting to it, or being calm enough yourself so you don't get into a cycle of them being upset, Mummy reacts, they enjoy reaction etc etc. It's worse when they haven't slept enough or have had particularly busy/over-stimulating days. It will pass. It's hard because, well if your DD is like mine, they sound so heart-broken over something so trivial (although not trivial to them). One of my sins today was flushing the toilet for DD instead of letting her do it..... bad Mummy... must learn to let her do it at every opportunity..........

Tgger · 08/05/2012 23:33

And yes, I'm not sure DD is anxious about things as pp said, but if they are surging ahead in their development as 3.5 year olds do- DD is certainly then they go a bit wrong. For example DD had an accident today for first time in about errrr don't know over 6 months probably- she hardly ever has/had accidents, I think it's when there is a development surge (or maybe she was just very lazy....)

mommybunny · 09/05/2012 12:11

Headingnorth, you say DD "sleeps well", but for how long? What time does she go to bed? Can you put her to bed earlier? Does she wake up by herself in the morning, or do you ever have to wake her to get her out the door to nursery so you can get to work etc?

Whenever my now-5yo DD cries for no "real" reason I ALWAYS know it's because she's either tired or coming down with something. I try to keep to a very strict 7pm bedtime and when that falls by the wayside (as it inevitably does from time to time) I do pay for it. There is no hard and fast rule as to what time a child should be in bed - every child has his/her own sleep needs. But whatever time you're putting DD to bed, try half an hour earlier if you can, with lots of quiet time beforehand. It might help.

And just a gentle note, headingnorth, no one is trying to make you sound like Hitler. You're the parent and you have to do what you think is right and best for your DD, and it is doubly hard as a single parent. But sometimes outsiders can offer a fresh perspective, without judging. I know myself I often say "no" as a reflex - and that an outsider asking me if I really needed to say "no" all the time might make me feel defensive. It's good that you considered switching to "yes" when you can - it sounds a wise strategy and I shall try it myself!

Hope to hear things get better soon.

Mobly · 09/05/2012 12:33

I would make lots of deals with ds at this age, and it did seem to work some of the time. For example- 'ok, you can wash bunny for 30 seconds if you then come & eat your breakfast nicely.... Is it a deal?' ds would say yes & we'd shake on it & it would very often work. Heap on the praise when they stick to the deal.

I do sympathise with the crying being immensely irritating. I usually find my patience levels can depend on how stressful my life can be at any given moment. Tiredness makes me far less patient so then you have to stop yourself & think they're only children, it's my behaviour that has to change & imagine being filmed all day long or whatever works.

Other than this, it is developmental & they do get more reasonable as they get older and they have more understanding.

MaryPoppinsBag · 09/05/2012 17:01

I was looking to post on this very subject myself.
My DS 3.2 is the same - cries at almost every opportunity. It is so frustrating because he could just tell me what he wanted but just has this awful cry.
He will even do it when I am in the middle if getting him what he wants.
It winds up his pre school teachers too!

I was hoping for some tips on what to do.

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