'Smart Love' by Martha Pieper.... Omg what an eye-opener!

[melonsmaygotobed]

Anyone read it? I downloaded it to my kindle and I have been in tears reading it. What an amazing outlook on child rearing. I have been using some of the techniques today with really positive results, especially with my ds who is 3.

I have been doing everything wrong; the book has opened my eyes to my children's inner happiness and has taught me about how they perceive us as parents and about how we communicate with them, building our relationship being the primary objective.

No rewards, no time-outs. Guidance / boundaries without conflict.

I urge you to read!
Xx

Interesting.

"I have been doing everything wrong."

Like what?

Sounds like you're the publishers PR. Tell me more about what you have been doing and I might change my mind!

Yippee. Yet another parenting book...

Hi. I thought I would raise this again. I have now read the Alfie Kohn book about unconditional parenting in addition to the one I found in Oz and I stand by what I said. We now have no time-outs, consequences, rewards etc and have instead dealt with the dc very differently. The children respond in a completely different way. I used to lose my temper and 'punish'. Now I explain and cuddle. And to be honest, I think this is how I should have parented all along, but society compels you to believe in consequences to help children recognise that certain behaviours -undesirable to adults but natural to kids- need a punishment in order to rectify their behaviour.

We are a much happier family. I don't shout, threaten, bribe or barter ( well I don't rely on it!) so there are fewer conflicts.

Anyone having a go with this? My dc are 3 and 4

Sounds really interesting re the explain and cuddle thing. I'd really like to try something different... so, for example next time DD climbs up onto the dining room table (I usually take her down gently and say calmly 'we don't climb on tables' - cue back arching, limbs flailing tantrum) what would you do differently?

x

I'd also be interested - much like BabydollsMum I do a fair amount of 'explain and cuddle' but it's difficult when they're mid-tantrum.

What I'd be fascinated by is how the more-UP approach functions when children encounter an environment where there are set (and for small ones, seemingly arbitrary) rules to follow, school being the obvious one? Schools are likely to follow a punish/reward mechanism largely and I'd be interested in how UP parents can prepare them for that. Somehow "at school they take a house point away if you run in the corridor, so make sure you don't do that there" doesn't quite sit right with me as an 'explanation'.

I just explain why the (pre)school has the rules it has, and DD seems to get it. It helps that that the teachers don't punish either, although they do get the perpetrator to sit on a chair. They have great discipline.

School (from 6) has punishments, but not based on points schemes. I would never send DD to a school with a reward scheme, but I'm not in the UK so it's easier.

DD knows that if adults hit each other etc. then they can be punished. She knows that children are still learning. If she comes out with "but I'm still learning" as an excuse, though, I tell her that she has to practise doing the right thing now, or when she's grownup she won't know how to!

The way I see it is that children are learning, and punishments just aren't a very effective way of getting them to learn good behaviour. You don't teach swimming or anything else using punishments, so why take a different approach with behaviour?

Exactly, vasela.

Babydolls - I use diversion a lot. Climbing onto tables is a phase that all dc go through, much like opening cupboards or dropping everything on the floor! It's a perfectly natural instinct that is fun/exploratory for them but a nightmare for us. How old is your dc? Mine are 3 and 4 now, so I can explain the whys and wherefores and they kind of get it. The UP approach would be 'hey, you're great at climbing, why not try climbing the x (sofa, stairs etc - somewhere safer) then if you fall you won't hurt yourself'.

I have to say, it takes a massive amount of patience which I don't always have tbh, but the kids get to understand that they are loved, not scolded, and are able to make informed decisions in the future. What i dont want them to do is refrain from doing things just because they will be punished. Or because someone has told them not to. Iykwim.

Festival - the book said to see things from their point of view. Imagine you were having a hissy fit. (like i did when my neighbour came to complain about the noise my kids were making when they played out for an hour last week). for what ever reason, your dc is feeling pretty emotional. What would you need in that situation? Someone saying 'right, if you dont get over this by the time I count to 3, then something (else) crappy will happen to you.'

Cue more screaming!

I now say that I can see they are upset/angry/tired etc and it's ok. Don't get me wrong, they dont stop instantly but they know that I love them no matter what and I'm working with them, rather than against.

We have a support thread if you'd like to join :) Could do with a bump!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/1518745-Parenting-without-punishments-rewards-support-thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/1518745-Parenting-without-punishments-rewards-support-thread

(Made clickable )

That book sounds good and a lot more practical than UP. I'll have to have a look for it.

Ooh thanks! Will do.