Toddler hitting me constantly

[Grumpla]

This is really beginning to get me down. He doesn't hit at nursery (three days per week) but when he is at home he hits me (and to a lesser extent his dad) ALL THE TIME.

It has been going on for about five months now, so encompassing the last few months of a very difficult pregnancy and the two months since his brother arrived.

It is really sending me crazy now. I feel that nothing I can do is enough. He hits me when he is angry, bored, tired. Sometimes we will be cuddling or he will just walk up to me and hit me. He also headbutts.

When he hits me, I put him in time out. If I dodge the hit I give him a warning. We do the whole eye level explaining thing "Immputting you in time out because you hit mummy. We don't hit each other" blah blah blah. After time out he says sorry, not particularly sincerely, then two minutes later he'll hit me again.

I'm getting to the stage where I am losing my temper. I can keep it together nine times out of ten, the tenth time I end up bellowing at him.

I know he is only little. I know he has a lot to cope with at the moment. But it is making my life a misery.

Since time out is obviously not working, what other approaches have you tried? Several people now have suggested I smack him but I really don't want to. But on the other hand a controlled smack to show him it hurts might be better than what I'm really scared of, that one day I will just lash out and hit him back in anger. I'm getting about three/four hours sleep a night at the moment and that is what I am really scared of.

Bump...

I'm bumping too

Grumpla, my (neuro-typical) children haven't hit me more than once or twice. My DD1 has SN and has a tendency to try and hit if she is frustrated.

You don't say how old your DS is, but what I did when they did try and hit me is this:

As soon as you see them move to hit, catch their wrist in your hand. Hold it firmly (but not so hard that you'll hurt them, obviously) and deliberately keep it in the position you caught it. So, if they had raised their hand above their shoulder to hit you, you are holding their wrist in that position.

Make clear eye contact and say 'DS, we do not hit.'

Then, personally, I allowed their wrist to lower to a more normal level, but still held it, and asked them to apologise. I would not let go until my DDs apologised.

Honestly, you have got to take control. Time out clearly isn't working, because he's realised that if he sits on his own for two minutes, he can come back and hit his Mum again.

My DD with SN had this approach from her Learning Disabilities Nurse. It turned the whole thing into an absolute game. One afternoon, she was laughing hysterically, because she was hitting anyone she could reach, he was taking her out to the step, then she would act contrite and as soon as she was able she ran back through and hit again.

Hopefully someone will come along soon with some alternatives for you, I only have one little suggestion. You say his apology isn't really sincere. Whereas even at toddler age it should be. If it isn't a sincere apology then repeat the process of time out, explaining everything again to him. And only come out of time out when he really means his apology. Have you tried this anyway?

Also you could try going over the top with praise even if it's for the smallest 'good' thing he does, just so that he gets plenty of positive attention from you which then will create a greater contrast for him when he hits you in your response.

Sorry if your doing all this anyway! It's a hard one!

Hi grumpla, that's really tough. My DS hits a bit too, and pinches and has been known to bite. As well as time out I do remove nice things too. Mainly things like no pudding (gets just a piece of fruit instead), no trip to swings, removal of a favourite toy for a bit, just one bedtime story, or none, instead of 2. Usually the time of day drives which one I do, whatever is the next nice thing likely to happen is removed. And then when they don't get it, explaining why again.

I sometimes think this works better than time out as its more serious to them than 2 mins on a step. I use time out more for meltdowns where you just want them to calm down, for hitting etc I want to show a real cause and effect.

I know what you mean about struggling to keep control, I also have a baby....it's hard work I know and really upsetting when the toddler is being dreadful. Hang in there, it will get better I'm sure!

IME I don't know whether toddler apologies are ever sincere.

But I have a hitting biter as well.

I have 2 kids - both NT. One of them has vicious little lashing out tantrums, and the other one never did.

I find that the hitter is now improving as his speech is getting better. He at least builds up to it so I get some warning! I agree with holding hand and 'we do not hit'. Normally it's when he's knackered and emotionally charged.

Horrible. I really feel for you.

Oh and I have been known to move/or move his own limb in the way so he ends up biting/hitting himself so he can have some understanding of the pain he's inflicting.

I have to say as a parent of one 'violent' one, if he'd come first I'd feel so much worse. However, the 2 kids are so different I can see that it isn't through the fault of something we've done.

My DD was a real hitter and biter in the period when she was really learning how to talk. I did something like you. She grew out of it. It's supposed to be pretty common and born of frustration.

Would he understand if you asked him how he would like it? Probably not very useful advice as I don't have a hitter.

DD only hit dh and me, if that makes you feel any better. It's because you matter the most.

Yes - Latrucha - such a lovely way to show their love isn't it?!

If you google hitting and biting you'll see a million different pieces of advice, but honestly? Even if you never solve it, he will grow out of it.

Thankyou for all of your replies. DS will be 3 in June.

I think there is some link with his speech. He was a slow starter with talking and although his vocabulary is increasing dramatically at the moment he is visibly struggling with sentence structure & is frustrated with this.

He has started to try and negotiate (e.g. If I say it's time to get out of the bath he will say "Just one!" meaning one more minute) and very occasionally if I propose something he's not interested in he will say "I got an idea. Let's do [X]". When he does try this i usually try and let him have his way to an extent to give him the idea that negotiating / compromise is effective. But most of the time he just hits me.

I will try more immediate "consequences" I think. I've also bought a reward chart and some stickers etc - do you think this will be an overload of new tactics?

We have previously used bedtime story removal as a very effective sanction when we were having meltdowns over toothbrushing. But it only seems to work when we are already in the bedtime zone! Any earlier in the day and it's just too abstract I guess. He has a favourite tractor which could go in the cupboard. I'm struggling to think of anything else that would really bother him. Telly removal feels like shooting myself in the foot as I sometimes need that to keep him occupied whilst I deal with poor old DS2 who is just getting ignored for far too much of the time.

I guess my worry with arm pinning etc is that it's still using physical force to overpower him. So it's still giving the message that that's how you get what you want. But as I said in my op I am just so terrified of losing it and lashing out.

I'm having a meeting with his key worker at nursery next week to try and see if we could be more consistent with what they're doing (since they're obviously doing a better job than I am at the moment )

If I could afford it I would just put him in nursery full time so that I wouldn't have to deal with it. I feel so so guilty even thinking that so its a good thing I can't.

Don't beat yourself up, and don't think that nursery are doing a better job.

Tactic overload? I dunno. If you think it'll work and you can be consistent then give it a try.

I've just given DD a piece of chocolate as DS took her milk and tipped it the floor (deliberately). That really bothers him - spoiling the one that he has hurt.

This too shall pass.

Ds2 is only wee so not sure that will work just yet!

Just about the only positive thing I can take from the situation at the moment is that none of DS1's aggression seems to be aimed at the baby. Yet.

But yes a few more deep breaths would probably do me good!

Hi
My ds (3 in july) isalso doing this. Went through a phase at about 15/16 months at others, stopped totally. Now doing it to me when he is frustrated, tired, or doesn't get his own way! I have been saying a very firm "no!", but the last couple of days he has only done it publicly and feeling lots of judgemental looks.
Watching this thread with interest. I have heard boys get sudden surges of testosterone - wonder if this is a common age seeing as our boys are so similar in age?

Hopeful bump in case anyone has a magic wand any other suggestions

DS1 went for a sleepover at granny's last night so I have had a bit of a break, feeling ready to make some changes.

God - pleased I found this thread! My 22 months old is hitting, headbutting, shouting no and biting, me, his dad and his sister and sometimes kids at nursery. It really just comes out of nowhere though is worse when he is tired.

I am at my wits end. Really getting me down. He is a bit too young to understand timeout I think. His speech is only just developing, not sure what he understands. I keep saying 'No' very firmly but it has no effect. In fact, he almost immediately hits me again. It has been so bad that I ended up with a black eye on one occasion (he threw a toy at my head!)

Waiting to see if there are any other suggestions or just some hope he will stop soon!

(Interested in the testosterone surge thing - sure I have read about that somewhere)

Help!

Have to go to work, but marking my place to post later :)

Oh good! Any advice gratefully received! Thanks Lulabellarama and Bertie.

You don't say how old he is?

Anyway DS is only 14 months but he did go through a hitting phase about a month ago. After nothing else working I followed some advice I found here www.ahaparenting.com/Default.aspx?SiteSearchID=-1&ID=/search-results . It has worked and he never hits me any more but he hits himself instead, sometimes 10 times a day and if he is really frustrated he bangs his head on a hard surface. So I don't think it has totally solved the problem! But after changing from a cross voice to a soft voice the hitting me magically stopped a day later so worth a try.

Ditto to having a hitter! Ds is 2.8 and (I think/hope/pray) is coming out of it gradually but it's taken bloody ages (phases of hitting others/me since 20 months - some more intense than others). I've been very consistent with what I do but tbh I'm not sure he's come out of it any quicker.

The two things that have worked better than anything else is taking him to the corner under the stairs very quietly, no reaction. I tell him to stay there until i come back - I leave it about a minute and go back , get down on his level, hold both hands gently and tell him hitting is not nice, hurts etc, and that he needs to say sorry. That's if it's a bad one. If it's a more minor offence, I don't react and just leave the room. He can't bear this so comes running to find out what he's done - I tell him and he says sorry.

His speech has just developed rapidly which is what I think is helping now. I tell him to 'use your words' if anything upsets him, rather than lashing out.

What you say re physical force to overpower him, Sears says something about this in his discipline book. He says that if you e.g. grab an arm which is swinging about to hit you, or hold up a flat hand which acts as a shield between them and you, you are teaching them to manage violent acts in a defensive but non-violent way. So he thinks that this approach is good. I agree with this as I think it's important to show them you will not let them hurt you, and for some children hitting followed by naughty step/other punishment is still being allowed to hit.

Toddlers experience the world in a very literal way, so I think the physical preventing them from hitting really helps. The other thing we used to do with DS was to carry him over to the sofa, or the bed, or other soft item in the room and show him "You can hit this. You must not hit mummy."

I don't personally agree with forced apologies and I don't insist on them, although we sometimes suggest that it's nice to say sorry to someone when you've hurt them. DS will usually not apologise straight after an incident, but around half an hour later when I've totally forgotten about it he comes out with a spontaneous apology, which I appreciate so much more. Then because I can see he's in a calmer frame of mind we tend to discuss it and he promises to try not to do X and I promise to try not to shout/get cross.

sorry to hijak, but mrtumble'scrackwhore your username is the best username on mn ever. ever.