4.5yo DD & tantrums at playdates

[driedapricots]

Hi,
I wondered if anyone had any experience of this i can draw on. DD 4.5yo, she is the funniest, most vivacious child when at home with us..in the outside world she's terribly withdrawn & shy and at pre-school has 1 best friend she follows round (poor child!) if that girl is not in school for any reason my DD won't easily mix with other children at all. The problem is I am encouraging after school playdates to help her mix more but every single one we've had has at some point blown up into DD having a mammoth tantrum ...like one of those when they can't even see straight and end up sobbing.....it's usually because the other child doesn't want to do something, but it lasts for a v long time, leaving the other child bemused to say the least. i try to ignore her and focus on the fun the other child is having (usually with my younger DS) but in the end she is screaming so loudly and being so unreasonable i have to address her and tell her it's unacceptable...am i doing the right thing? I have tried talking before and after to explain it's not acceptable and that her friends won't want to come over but it's happened 6 out of 6 times now. i am thinking of stopping the playmates but that feels counter productive...she needs to learn right? the other problem is when she plays at home she often role plays being a teacher so when a friend comes over she reverts into this role bossing the other child about and talking to her in that patronising way teachers do!! it's cringey! why can't she just play on a levee; with her peers?!!! advice pls...?

No, I think she's shy and you're forcing her. If she's hating these playdates (which she seemingly is) then stop doing it. Trying to make a shy child be socially skilled is counter-productive, you could end up just making her even more withdrawn. She's probably also conscious that her behaviour at these dates is inappropriate which will make her dread them even more. Go at her pace with social stuff.

I would call a halt for a while and perhaps get some books out of the library about people playing together. You can suggest phrases and words she can use - role-play at home with social situations.

i don't think she hates them.. she asks for them and gets super excited in the lead up to them and is ok for some of the time, it's just there is always one HUGE tantrum - bigger than if she's here on her own at home (and she is one for tantrums anyway). books & role playing with her are a good idea though, i will def try that. thanks

Then perhaps they're too long? She's probably on her best behaviour and may only be able to sustain that for 20 minutes or so.

I would either stop the playdates for the moment, or keep them really short e.g. 30 mins. I would also have a few structured activities that you supervise e.g. decorating cakes, playdough etc. Try to set it up so there are limited opportunities for it to go pear-shaped.

had a friend with a DD like this. Her DD refused to go on any playdates away from home but would get excited about friends coming to her own house, only to behave in exactly the way you describe. some friends ended up not wanted to go to this girls house because of how it ended up. anyway, my friend saw it was problem and got another mum on board and built it up slowly with one other trusted girl. so twenty minutes in the park rather than two hours with tea etc. now my friend's dd is 6 and in year one and is doing much better socially.

thanks. guess i'm asking too much of her. but she is apparently 'as good as gold' at others' houses and happy to go there...think it might just be for my benefit!!