4 year old telling lies

[SarahOxford]

Hi,

I'm not sure if this is normal and also not sure how to tackle it but my 4 year old ds (actually 4 in a fortnight!) has started to lie to me about what he has and hasn't done. It's not full on making up stories it's just things like Me: "Have you washed your hands?"
Him: "Yes mummy"
Me: "Do you promise?"
Him: "Yes mummy, i promise i really really have"

He has always just been honest even if it meant admitting he hadn't done something he was supposed to do but now he looks right at me and just lies, even about things he knows i can easily check. And the way he does it you just can't tell whether he is or isn't so i feel like i'm always having to check up on him, which i don't like to be honest, both because it's displaying a lack of trust and because it takes time and i could have just done x myself quicker!

How do i go about getting him to understand the concept of promising and that lies are wrong? I just can't seem to get through to him that he mustn't lie!
I've tried telling him the Peter and the wolf story but i'm not sure it went in!

Thanks in advance for you thoughts/experiences. :)

My almost 4 year old DS does the same. With things like handwashing, I tend to say something like "Oh that's good that you've washed your hands then, because it wouldn't be very nice to eat lunch with dirty hands, would it?". He will usually then sneak off to the bathroom and do them.

I don't confront the lying directly. I just hint that I know. Other than where his lies are just ridiculous (e.g. "Mummy, when you were out of the room, BabySunday said that you were a mean and nasty smelly mummy. Give him a row, Mummy!"). (DS2 is just 1. He doesn't say anything at all). Then I just treat it quite lightly, along the lines of "don't be silly DS1, it isn't nice to tell porky pies, is it?".

Will have a read later to see if anyone has better advice!

All children lie (or nearly all) and it bodes well for their future life. This study looked into it a bit

SundayNightFever - thanks for that, i'm glad he's not the only one. I do try to make light of it sometimes, but he doesn't seem too bothered about his hands being clean, which is odd because he's a bit of a clean freak in other ways, just like his dad!

Onlyaphase - thank you that's a really interesting article and it does make sense but it doesn't help with the practicalities. I could do with knowing that he has washed his hands, or put x away, or has turned the tv off or whatever it is and it gets frustrating as i wonder what the point in asking is when i can't tell whether or not he's telling the truth!

I'm not sure he understands the concepts involved. When i say he shouldn't tell lies he just looks at me like he doesn't think he's done anything wrong, as opposed to his sheepish look when he's been caught hitting his big brother or throwing a toy or something.

I also think he may be testing boundaries/asserting independence and i'm not quite sure how to respond. For example, i will ask him to do something like turn off the tv and sky and he will do one but not the other. Or i will ask him to wash his hands and he will just put the tiniest bit of his fingertips under the water. He seems determined to do things slightly differently to what he knows he's supposed to and its like he's watching to see what i'll do or say about it. The lies are the same, he knows i know he's lied. I can see quite clearly that he hasn't turned sky off or whatever. It seems like he's wanting a reaction and i dont know the best one to give him!

Lying is good news, it means he is developing a theory of mind - he is testing out what you know and don't know. There is no moral component to it at this age, it is a new concept to him that you don't know everything and he is exploring it. My son us starting to lie as well and I think it's exciting that he is starting to think in such a sophisticated way.