Discipline-3YO

[GeorgesMum2008]

I am at my wits end with my son, he's rude, embarrassing and I hate taking him anywhere. I am scared to say no to him, it's ridiculous! But I don't know how to discipline him, I usually use the naughty step but it's getting to the point I cannot physically carry him. He is the size of a 5y/o and incredibly strong so when he's having a tantrum, there is nothing physical I can do like pick him up. He seems worse around my friends, they'll say hi, he'll get shy and say "go away!". Sometimes, I cannot even get him in his car seat, if he doesn't want to go somewhere I can't actually make him. I'm at my wits end and i thought tantrums were supposed to end by now how wrong I was, please help!

is it possible for ds to see his father in circumstances that might cause him less stress? I ask because we are a same-sex couple, but our dds see their father 6-7 times a year. He comes to us (he lives in the UK, we live in ireland) and now dd1 is 3+ he will take her out and about - swimming, or to the park, but he is rarely gone for more than a few hours (what she is used to at nursery). There is no question at this age of her staying with him, or his parents (who also see them) and this will only happen when we think she is ready. I can understand that you don't want more contact with your ex than necessary, but I wonder if more, but shorter contact (e.g. ds not staying over) might be better for him at this age. I'm sorry if this is a foolish or inappropriate suggestion, I just think that unless they know the person very well (someone they see several times a week) they are just not old enough to stay away from home if relationships can be built in other ways.

ps we also work hard on maintaining the relationship between times, skype, looking at pictures etc -

I think that is the problem, you can't just pick up a DC when you want and then put them back in a cupboard like a toy-you do have to maintain the relationship between times. Any way of making his father see this? If not the father then his partner or his parents, if he has them?

Hi Georgesmum, just wanted to say that I too have a high maintenance 3yo and he also gets shouty sometimes when I praise him. I think this is, in his case, not so much about self esteem as a need to just contradict what ever I say! Thought I'd mention it as it could be partly that for your ds. Sometimes mine will ask me a question and when I answer it he'll shout NO IT ISN'T, then make up an answer and go into melt down - very confusing and can sometimes seem as though he is deliberately setting up situations for conflict. Exhausting!

It might be something to do with testing out conflict with you as he knows he is totally safe? He can practice being cross, shouty, etc in a secure way. This might explain why he is seemingly well behaved when not with you (mine is same, I get reports of him being an angel at preschool, and then he turns instantly demonic when I pick him up!)

Praising good and ignoring bad is good advice. Punishments rarely work IME as that is still giving attention of sorts.

anchor I think that's a great point about him testing things out because he feels safe - my dd is the same. Angelic at nursery, tricky at home; because she feels completely safe and secure here and knows that she is loved no matter what. Somehow it helps when they are being right little sods particularly testing to know that in some way you ARE doing something right

I'm sorry I can't help with the access with dad stuff but I wouldn't withold food even if DS has been a right pain over it earlier. With DD (also 3) I find that she is AWFUL when she's hungry and doesn't recognise that's why she's feeling so horrible - often the tantrum and bad behaviour stops pretty much immediately if you feed her.

Thank you ladies, I am about to make a new thread- his nursery report today, please read and tell me what you think...