Help with toddler and newborn please

[LiviaAugusta]

I've shut myself away from my toddler for two minutes to get a little peace, I'm feeling so guilty about it but I have to have some space from him. He's 2.3 and a lovely, lovely boy, very articulate, very engaging and quite cheeky. Since dc2 was born 9 weeks ago he's been attention-seeking, which we expected and thought we'd prepared for but I'm losing my ability to cope now and don't know what to do.

DC2 is crying a lot at the moment as she has bad colic in the afternoons and evenings. I spend a lot of my day pacing the floor with her or with her in a sling, which is fine for her but makes me shattered by the end of the day. I'm also still recovering from the birth and in quite a lot of pain most days. DS is becoming more and more defiant and difficult as days go by, no matter what I do. When baby has a nap I try to spend as much one-to-one time with DS as possible, but today for example whatever I've suggested (I even started making biscuits to get him to join in) he's said no and won't tell me what he'd like to do, so our quality time has been spent with me getting cross. He won't do anything by himself, has plenty of toys, crayons etc but won't play alone. If I'm doing something with baby he'll either try to climb on me (and her) if I'm feeding or will start hitting me if I'm changing her and my back's turned. I tried ignoring him when he was hitting me the other day so he started trying to hit her instead.

Bedtime is another world of nightmare, he's always been a bit of a horror with sleep but before the baby was born he was starting to sleep really well. Bedtime is now turning into a battle of wills which I hate, then he'll get into our bed at 2am and kick me for the rest of the night. Bedtime is made worse by him refusing to nap in the day, so by the evening he quite regularly loses it completely.

If I try to do anything other than give him my full attention he shouts, screams, throws himself on the floor or sabotages what I'm doing (throwing washing about etc). DH is wonderful with him but has been away a bit recently so I've had both children each with different needs and can't give either of them what they need and want to the best of my ability.

Sorry for rather large brain dump with no actual questions, I suppose what I'm asking is whether anyone can suggest ways of occupying/dealing with a small, confused boy?

Sorry if this is incomprehensible rubbish, have copied and pasted on phone and can't read back what I've written!

Oh, there is a thread about this - I am sure someone will link to it (I don't know how!)

Can you get outside at all? Baby in sling, DS having a run about?
Can you get any help? NUrsery or help in the home? (I have a 14 month gap between mine and had a maternity nurse one day a week so DS and I could have a day alone... )
Play dates?

Bedtime... Does he go to bed before or after the new baby? IMHO, the tougher you can be, the better it will be. But, if you can have some dedicated time before bedtime that might help.

Everything has changed for him and he's going to push every button he can to see if any of them work... so it's really important you try to make sure he doesn't find your weak spot!!! (Lots of people told me that a 14 month age gap was 'so difficult' but it wasn't... because DS accepted DD in no time whatsoever... 2.3 is a difficult age, because they are questioning everything ANYWAY! So don't wait to ask for help.

I'll try and work out that link for you... I am sure there are people with better advice than me. x

It's in Parenting. Don't know how to link, but I'm on it.

Thank you for replying, especially as there's already a similar thread (didn't mean to copy )

Have just got back, took advantage of a break in the weather to go and splash in puddles for a bit which DS loved. Watching my lovely boy having loads of fun made me feel so sad that I'm not doing better at the moment, but it's difficult to think straight when he's shouting 'I not do that, that's not fair, you're horrible mummy' and throwing things at me, all because I asked him to sit down so I could put his wellies on .

oohlordylordy we get out every day to walk the dogs, so he has a good run. He goes to a childminder twice weekly for a few hours and loves it, but has no time with just me at the moment unless DD's asleep or with DH. Bedtime's a mess at the moment, he's teething and gets so tired from refusing to nap, and DD spends most of the evening crying; at the moment DH and I swap between children to give us both time alone with DS but it's difficult. He already knows what buttons to push to wind me up , I try to ignore but he ramps it up until have to pay him attention. It makes me so upset to see myself turning into something I swore never to be: a shouty mum.

Is there any way you can get him to sleep? A car drive always worked with my two.

It is maybe worth a try? Depends what sort of a sleeper he is, though. I'd do anything not to let DS sleep in the day (as that meant bedtime was a nightmare) whereas DD sleeps when she needs to.

Do you have help (DH?) at bedtime? Can you read stories till he falls asleep? Or would he listen to a CD? (that works a treat, even now, with DS) FWIW, I would'nt 'swap' care. He's going to play you off each other. He will. Make certain nights YOUR nights and certain nights DH nights. For the avoidance of doubt.

If none of that helps, can I just say: It does get easier. My DS is coming up 4 (matter of weeks) and DD is coming up 3 (matter of months) and we are a little team. In fact, we're planning on Lands End to John O'Groats for our summer holiday. it does get easier. It really does.

Thank you oohlordylordy, it's good to know it's only a phase! I keep repeating 'this too shall pass, this too shall pass', but it's difficult to believe it sometimes! We'll try not swapping at bedtimes, unfortunately at the moment I'm needed a lot by DD in the evenings but once her feeding and colic settles down we'll be better equipped for just one of us to do bedtime for DS. He's napping at the moment, after our walk I went for a drive to try to get him to nap, luckily it worked today although I'm not looking forward to the half-hour screaming session which invariably accompanies him waking up . This too shall pass...

I'm not really sure what to say, which perhaps seems strange as your situation is almost identical to mine with my DD1 and DD2 (who are exactly 2 yrs apart) and to a lesser extent as between DD2 and DS (who are also exactly 2 yrs apart, but less jealousy that time around). So I've been through it twice and yet I have little advice really. It gets a lot lot better soon as your DD will tend to become more settled, less crying, more routine etc within the next few months. In the mean time lower your expectations considerably. We resorted to way more TV than I would normally have thought acceptable (another thing I felt guilty about at the time), but DD1, now 7 has very little interest in the TV unlike so many of her peers so it clearly didn't have any lasting effect. Try and structure your day around your DS rather than the baby (who will be fine doing whatever you do shoved in a sling and toted around).

Making the effort to get out of the house and go to local playgroups can be a real help (even though I was never a fan of playgroups to be honest), someone is always keen to cuddle and coo over the baby and you then get a bit of time to play with the toddler, it also helps to tire them out and maybe he'll drop off for a nap in the car on the way home. I used to run my diary almost as if I was at work, scheduling in playdates and coffees with friends as often as I possibly could to lighten the load (everything is so much easier when you have another adult around, even if they have their own children with them, the support and chat is invaluable).

Sometimes when your DD is crying you just have to let her a bit and not rush straight off to deal with her - finish what you were doing with DS so he doesn't feel that you constantly drop everything to rush to the baby. At bed times, after a feed and bath, I used to put DD2 in bouncy chair and rock it vigorously with my foot so I could sit on the bed with DD1 and read to her, or we all used to pile onto my big bed, so I had room to bf her and read stories to DD1 at the same time while still cuddling DD1.

Good luck, I have mainly wiped those months from my memory - I know they were really tough, but looking back they have had little impact on my life, it's like an endurance exercise and will be over soon!

Give lots of praise to he helps or plays nicely and tell him he is the big boy and gets to do things the baby can't like splash in puddles er. My dd1 2.9 was put out when dd2 10 months appeared but she has now realised she gets more attention when she is nice to DD2. It gets better

have you any pals/relatives with toddlers roughly his age? tell them the situation and see if you can arrange for you to drop him over to their house for a playdate treat for him for an afternoon (translate to 'a break for you'!) to tire him out - a friend of mine was in this situation and her sister-in-law used to take him to a softplay place once a week with her kids for her, was a lifesaver!! Will you soon be sending him to pre-school? its roughly from 2 and a half in my area, our DS (only child) is 2 and a half and has a place from sept at our one as they are full at the mo. They can go for the morning or afternoon session about 3/4 times a week, get to play with kids their age and lots of activities going on, should wear them out good and proper hopefully... after the age of 3 the government pay for 16hours a week, until then you'd have to pay. :)