Help...I'm at my wits end with DS.

[DeidreBarlow]

Help, I know that this sort of thing has probably been done a million times but I am at my wits end.

DS is 3.6. He is a big, strong boy and at the moment is getting more and more challenging and I have no idea what to do!

He started as a biter about 2, this stopped and he started smacking, scratching. Although granted it is becoming less and less he can be mean to other children and it doesn?t seem to be stopping. He simply hates to share and will think nothing of pushing or smacking other children to get them out of the way. I?ve lost count of the number of times we have left playgroups early as he simply can?t control himself. It?s not fair to the other children. I have tried removing toys, sticker charts for good behaviour, naughty step, time outs?.none of it seems to work. DH and I try to be consistent but it?s not working. He doesn?t seem to care at the time. Last week at pre school he scratched his teacher when she took something off him. He showed no remorse to her at all, which shocked them I think, although later at home once he had calmed down he did tell me he was ?sorry? and that he didn?t like to make his teachers sad. Its almost like at the point he lashes out he simply can?t stop himself. He tells me he is going to be a good boy at the start of the day but by the time I pick him up it has all gone wrong. I feel sick all day worrying about his behaviour when I?m not with him. Worst still I am getting so worked up about it that I am snapping at DD for the slightest little thing, when really she is just being a 5 year old.

At home, away from school he can be a very loving and gentle boy, and will happily sit playing with his toys, he?s not constantly running around being naughty. He can sit nicely at the table and eat his food, say thank you etc. Bedtime he is fantastic bathed and in bed with a story at 7, not a peep till the next day.

I feel like such a failure as a mother, I hate other parents/teachers looking at me and knowing I can?t control him and worst of all I?ve seen the look some people give him thinking what a horrid boy he is.

Please any advice will be gratefully received.

That sounds very similar to a boy I know-though he's 5!

My ds1 started copying his behaviour and I have to say the 3's were very trying at times. The worst age so far...

We put him in time out, in his bedroom. We had to hold the door shut or he'd come out, but his behaviour eventually improved vastly.

I just think 3 is such a challenging and frustrating age for them that sometimes they just don't know how to react to the feelings they have.

Is he getting enough attention? Maybe ignore when he's naughty?

We explained when he did something naughty, why it was naughty and why he's not allowed to do it. We explained if he did it again we'd be going home, he'd be going for time out etc. have to say it didn't really seem to bother him time out, and he quite often trashed his room

But he had to clear it up again. We tried, very very hard, to stay calm, ignore some minor things and learn when to go into battle.

Toddler taming by dr green is great book and has done fantastic tips in there.

But it will pass

Don't worry, it will get easier! Sounds just like my ds1 who is 5.11 now, and so much nicer to be around.

From the age of two til about 4ish he was very aggressive and would also hit out at other kids to get his own way, very tantrummy, didn't even seem worried about other adults, which I thought was a terrible sign that he was going to be a complete tearaway at school. I was completely wrong. He is brilliant at school, and actually pretty well behaved compared to some of his friends. It's like finally all the hard work is paying off! Don't get me wrong, he isn't an angel and can still be bad tempered and difficult, but I can now see that it's much more "normal" and easy to manage.

My biggest advice is just try to chill out. Honestly, I was just like you, spent all day worrying about his behaviour and now I can see that, actually, he was virtually still a baby and my expectations were unrealistic. Yes, some children manage to behave better at that age, but not all, and it's not fair to expect them to be someone they're not. Of course, he has to learn to share and not hurt people, but he will as long as you continue to guide him.

I also have ds2 who is 3.8 and much calmer. He can be aggressive and hit family members, but never other children. I think this is partly his personality, but partly that I've been so much more relaxed about the normal things he's gone through that he hasn't had anything to "rebel" against. I really think it's rubbed off on him.

Thank you for your responses. I'm sat in the car waiting for him to finish at 3. I feel sick, praying he's been ok today.

I wonder whether its an attention thing. I think he gets plenty, but another thing is he was quite late talking. And while he's coming on leaps & bounds he can be hard for others to understand. He may be frustrated he can't communicate so well but then I think I might just be making excuses...