Big hugs to you, how are you now? It sounds like you've had a lot on, to be honest, from your posts, I would focus on bringing unity back to your family with you as the centre point, but allowing them to be the team, bit of a corny analogy; but you are the captain and they are the crew, you are all working towards the ship running smoothly and going in the same direction, but you set the tasks/agenda etc and together they help you.
But don't be hard on yourself if Friday nights you want to put them to bed at the same time as your exhausted go for it, but the next night try and stick to the routine....boys crave structure and love and often thrive on routine, so a blackboard or board in a central place with things that are happening, jobs to do on it, is a good thing to do...have chores written on a board or piece of paper and say when these jobs are done over the week on Friday we can have a treat (or whenever suits you) and then tell them you are not going to assign the chores, you hope they work together to do them or they can do them alone, but when a chore is done they have to sign their name or both names next the chore and mark it complete...(hope this makes sense) during the first week be really excited, encouraging about the chores and ensure the list is small enough for success, big praise and the treat...a few weeks in, relax about reminding them and if the treat/all chores does nt happen, don't worry not reaching their goal one week is good for them...
I'm not saying you have to run your home like a ship, classroom all the time, but just while your making the changes you want. In your mind list what you want your house to look like, run like and how you want your children to be when at home and then slowly make the change...
Another idea I had is a washing day schedule....give each child a washing day or two (depending on you) for example Monday DS1 and Wednesday DS2, on their day it is their responsibility to bring you the washing (or put it where you want etc) if they forget then no washing done, if they then need a certain top, football kit, etc they then have to negotiate with their brother to swap days, put an item in on their day etc....again from my earlier post this isn't really about being 7 and 10, although they can clearly cope with this level and most children love responsibility like this, this is about you setting the agenda and setting the path for the teenage years...
The marble in the jar is another classroom initiative that may work for you, basically central place you have a pot and the marbles, whenever one of your children does something positive, credit worthy etc (something that pleases you and goes towards building a positive house) you say they can put a marble in the jar, when the jar is full you all enjoy a treat. The important thing here is to not use it as a negative so never take a marble out and secondly the child that is being praised is the one that puts the marble in, the marbles are left out and open...this demonstrates you trust them and
empowers them, you can also drop a marble in if you observe both doing something together.
The concept behind all of these only work if you teach your children why you are doing them, how you do them and if they meet with success quite quickly at first. So the jar needs to be filled quickly in the first week etc after a few weeks you can move the goalposts a little so you are not giving praise for low level behaviour....
Anyway I hope this makes sense and you are ok, another adage I will share is a little motto I use in teaching children is 'talk to them like adults, but treat them as children' so in your case I think a honest chat from you about how you want to be a team, you expect this and that and these are the boundaries etc would go far, but most importantly have fun with your children, build in fun and try and book some you time to restore yourself, your passions and a sense of YOU....if your children see that you are happy, doing interesting things and not waiting on their behaviour they will have more respect and respond in a better way to you.
Is going to school and talking to the teacher and asking for their support/advice an option?
Thinking of you and don't be too hard on yourself, you clearly care and want the best for your boys :)
And well done for bedtime tonight - just saw your update :)