innapropriate? behaviour DS (sensitive)

[MustBeMadDoingADegree]

First of all i have made an appointment with the GP for this afternoon.

developing over many months, gradually getting worse, myself and my mum have noticed some worrying behavior from my DS age 8.

I have a DD age 5, and she is only on the verge of being "body shy" in front of people..... I.E. strangers she seeks reassurance if something is ok....(doctor touching her belly), will undress willingly in front of me, but can at times tell her daddy off if he doesnt ask before going in her room....
all normal little girl things, and the start of her respecting her body and he privacy....

so back to DS.
over a year ago, we realised we had to start showering the children separately, and although i want the kids to be able to be open and honest and not have body worries, at this point we started trying to instill the privacy and respect more vigorously.

This doesnt seem to have made a difference though, in how DS is acting.

He will STARE at his sister, not at what she is doing, but AT HER. Its not even the daydream glazed stare, its (and dare i say it about my own beautiful DS who i love SOOO much) Creepy!!!

I dont want to have to say this, but im worried about him.

He does the "fiddling" thing while sat with us on the couch, and i tell him off, say its not nice, he shouldnt do that in front of people....but it makes no difference, he will still do it the next time...(not down his pants usually...usually through his PJ's)

anyway.,...i was just wondering if this was something to worry about, or if anyone else has been through this?

thanks xxxx

I really feel for you. My DCs are a similar age and people often remark on how 'close' they are as they're always cuddling and jumping on each other etc. which was ok when they were smaller, but as they've grown up its difficult to know where to draw the line between whats appropriate and inappropriate sibling behaviour.

I think boys do tend to have a bit of a hormone surge about 8, which may explain the fiddling. 5 seems very young for your DD to be feeling self-conscious though. My DD thinks nothing of strutting around naked or in her pants, regardless of who's watching!

Have you talked to them both about physical boundaries, 'no means no', etc.? It should apply even when tickling or playing - you should also make sure you & DH stick to it (i.e. if DCs don't want a cuddle, or to kiss granny goodbye etc don't force them to, don't tap them on the bum to hurry them up the stairs or tickle them excessively, as its difficult to know with tickling where the fun stops and the discomfort starts!)

I'm sure its nothing sinister, just part of growing up, but make sure they both know what is appropriate, so that either one of them knows that they can talk to you if ANYONE does anything that doesn't feel comfortable.

Thanks for the reply.

I feel DD is appropriately self conscious...she has no body issues, but understands that its hers and "boys shower with boys, girls shower with girls" style of thinking.

its more that DS seems to be inapropriately honing in on female nakedness....his sister being the one he sees most obviously.

I had to snap him out of staring with a family members toddler a few weeks back which was mortifying. (while having nappy changed).

it just gives me and my mum the creeps, the way he changes.. :(

My ds is younger, so I can't comment on that really. But I was lead to believe that "fiddling" with themselves is fairly normal. Just make sure they are aware it's to be done in private not in front of anyone else.

The staring may be just something he does at other things too, perhaps, and it just worries you when it's at something? Have you asked him what he's thinking about when he's staring?

I would agree that 5yo is young to feel body conscious. At the local infant school they have a swimming pool and although there are separate changing rooms for boys and girls, they really don't think anything of dashing out naked to tell mummy something if it strikes them. A few year 2 girls will be more conscious, but the majority don't worry. They've usually got the doors wide open too.
At 5yo dd1 used to have a swimming lesson )not at school) then they all, boys and girls, piled into the showers together with a lot of giggling and no worries at all.

Has he seen his sister naked much before this staring started? It may be that the 'difference' is so much more interesting if he hasn't seen it often - having only been very familiar with his own body parts. I wonder if my DD's reluctance to cover up has made her female body more familiar to DS, so he's not so interested and just tells her to put some clothes on (their over-cuddliness tends to be confined to 'clothed' situations, fortunately!)

Our DCs have always shared baths and seen us getting in and out of the shower etc, so I don't think naked bodies of any shape, size or gender are particularly an issue for them.

Is it possible that by making the distinction between girls and boys, your DS is now seeing girls bodies as 'forbidden' to look at and therefore more appealing?