I have an eleven year old teenager

[JustFab]

and I don't like it! Anyone else? Any tips? Any thoughts on calorie free alcohol/chocolate?

Me too. Am hoping it will pass all the quicker and he will have grown mature and civilised before he is old enough to get into real trouble. In the meantime, don't forget to enjoy the times when s/he is sweet.

Just spent £11.51 on Jellybeans for the kids (without realising they would be that much) so not impressed that DS1 put them in a bowl which he put in a cupboard, and then watched as it fell out....JB all over the floor. I told him how much I had spent on sweets so he snapped "do you want a refund then?" My children answer me back a lot and I know I must be handling it all wrong as they do it every day.

DS1 can be so loving.

Maybe you just have cheeky children who need a good bollocking and an assertive bit of parenting? If my child had said ' Do you want a refund then? ' he would be thinking about that comment in his bedroom ,minus his mobile phone, lap top and TV.

It is possible, Disco, to have children with teenage behaviour even in a family with assertive parenting. JustFab hasn't actually told us that she didn't give her ds a good bollocking: for all we know her ds may be thinking his ill judged comments over in his bedroom as we type.

My child doesn't have a mobile phone a laptop or a TV. Must be where I'm going wrong.

Goodness. What constitiutes a "good bollocking" then?

Shoot me but I had a quiet, calm chat with DS about how he spoke to me, why I was so upset and what I expect from him in the future. He also doesn't have a phone or a tv in his room.

no no no, JustFab, you can't say that. You have to quietly admit that he has own iPhone, an XBox, CoD, Halo 4, a hot BMX bike & a 46" wall-mounted telly. It's not sporting if you're merely an ordinary parent with a stroppy hormonal preteen.

Never mind letting slip that he spends all his spare time on Facebook.

I thought the refund quip was pretty witty, actually . Though if DC had spilt them, DC would have picked them up & still eaten them in expected way, so I might not have made a fuss in first place.

I've no advice only commiserations... I perceive that it's easy for someone to hear a snapshot of your life & assume that whatever they think worked for them must be easy & the right solution for you.

DH said they had to be binned and tbh my kitchen floor isn't the cleanest a lot of the time but I think I did do it a couple of days before. I was considering washing them .

They'll just go all sticky, I wouldn't bother even though I'm screaming at the thought of spending eleven quid on sweeties. I would want some pocket money towards them actually, and I would go apeshit at sarcasm like that from an eleven year old. Which has stood me in good stead, because it has almost never happened: I do believe that if you let rudeness slide at this age it will bite you on the arse. I have always been big on speaking to each other with at least the respect and civility you would give a stranger. You have to model that yourself, of course.

Maybe I've just been lucky? I think it's because I've always insisted on a certain way of treating each other though, but I would say that...

Is that you, Fab? How has the MN break worked out? Are you feeling better?

I would have eaten them, dcs would have eaten them and if we'd put them back in a bowl, dh wouldn't have asked and would have just eaten them

You lot are too picky

I never realised they would be that much and it was for 3 kids but even so .

My children have lovely manners to everyone else..

Yep, it is me . The break did me a world of good as did coming off meds that I realised I didn't need and actually I haven't been suffering for depression for all of the 10 years but a lot of it is just me not having a clue about kids .

I am still on a low dose of AD's but coming off them slowly and looking into hypnosis for my food issues. I am enjoying being a mum (not the rudeness obviously) and not panicking when I feel happy and just enjoying the feeling.

You could wipe them over with a muslin cloth to remove floor dirt.
I'd be surprised if you couldn't quickly rinse & leave to dry in a collander.

7yo DS regularly eats sweets he picked off the street or even changing rooms at the sports centre. Healthy if greedy child.

It doesn't work for me to take a zero tolerance policy towards "backchat". Not least because I could get myself tied up in knots about what it is and isn't truly disrespectful for them to say. I wouldn't know where the threshold is between witty & backchat. I just can't think that fast, and there's usually 65 other things happening literally at that exact moment in my life that I would prefer to deal with. So I wouldn't know what was a joke & what was a zero-tolerance matter, and how to prioritise what might or might not have been unacceptable, therefore ignoring all the other things demanding my time & energy. I presume that an instantaneous decision (that feels always correct in retrospect) about when to apply zero-tolerance comes naturally to people with good social skills (or something else, a million other things, I lack).

So best I could have managed was something like OP's after the fact quiet chat about how that wasn't nice thing to say, etc.

I do refuse to believe there's only one successful way to deal with any problem.

I have a lovely 12yo & I don't know why. He used to be a constantly angry 10yo & a moody 11yo. I currently have another hot-tempered 10yo... so am actually quite hopeful for the future. :)

Good, I'm glad to hear it, that's great

Thank you LeBof. I am touched .

I think there is a great deal of wisdom in ragged's post. Zero tolerance can be a tricky thing.

Unfortunately, my dh relies on his own instantaneous feelings about what is rudeness and as he feels a lot more insecure about his relationship with ds than with dd, he is quite likely to decide that something ds says is rude but if dd says exactly the same thing it's not rude. As you can imagine, this does little to improve ds' moodiness. We are working to resolve the problem and dh does admit that he is going to have to change. I don't think I have a corresponding tendency to believe dd is always in the wrong; I just tend to be that little bit slower about reacting at all; I need time to engage my brain before I launch into punishments.

DD has started saying we like ds more and let him get away with things but neither are true. Embarrassingly I have sometimes said nothing and ignored ds but that is because he will really strop. (Also aren't you supposed to ignore the bad, praise the good.) I know that is bad. I also think some of it is not being sure if I am being fair being scared of him and worried what he might do.

DD has just appeared complainging about something but when i told her how to rectify it she says it won't work. She always says this. If she feels hot/cold/tired/in pain, whatever we suggest she says it won't work/doesn't help, even if she hasn't tried it. She is 8.9 almost.

Thanks Cory .
I was thinking aloud why zero-tolerance wouldn't work for me. Hope it doesn't sound too pathetic.
They say teens are like tots in that you just have to ignore a lot of the bad behaviour (within limits) to get best results. So maybe sometimes rudeness can be like whinging, ignore it up to a point, & they are forced to learn better coping & social skills to get what they want.

JustFab - but you have always struggled to control your children, for years that i can remember anyway.

And what constitutes a good bollocking? In my house not a quiet little chat.

And I would say not to ever ignore bad behaviour.

Unless you want worse.

My DS is just the same and he is only 10!

He came in from school today and gave me a huge hug and said he had wanted to hug me all day.

10 minutes later he is refusing to do his homework and is all "don't tell me what to do" and "you can't make me" grrr..............I actually banged my head on the table with frustration and fury when he left the room.

Yeah, thanks for that AveragelyDisco.

It was a quiet chat as I find that works better than yelling.

tob - snap!

DS1 tried it on tonight but I was firm and he is doing as he was asked and will no doubt appear soon for a cuddle.

I don't yell.

OK, carry on as you are doing as it seems to be working so well for you.

I have a suspicion that quiet chats work better until they hit the teenage years, and then you have to suddenly get tough and be a bit firm when behaviour warrants it. Not mean, obviously, but you'll probably have to appear mean from their POV. Pick your battles is a definite thing to remember as well, though.

This is just a vague musing though as DS is only 3

Yes, it is.

And I am vv much into quiet chats, building a culture of respect etc.

Control isn't everything. In fact if you have children who blindly listen to your every word, what happens when they become teenagers and friends overtake parents as The Ones To Be Respected?