8 year old boy at my wits end.

[naughtymummy]

Can anyone help me or rassure me this is normal. My 8 year old son argues with me.about everything also shouts and.screams, calling me a bad mother and that I don't do anything right. This happens when I ask (tell him) to do something he doesn't want to do. I find myself drawn into protacted arguements, which become shouting matches.This evening we have had arguments about eating carrots, breaking his sisters doll and doing his homework (still undone).

I have told him there will be no screen time tommorow if he.doesnt do it, but he just turns.around and says he.doesn't care.

Surely this amount of aggravation is n't normal. I am about 100x more stressed than I was when they were babies :(.

I reckon it's a surge of testosterone.
Sounds like my dd with her hormones - I posted a thread about her agressive behaviour a few weeks back as she was really making family life unbearable.

I would wait until your son is calm and then talk to him in an assertive, grown up manner and tell him why he upsets you, how he can deal with his emotions and then how you would like to see him behave and by when.

Thanks I was wondering about a testosterone surge (I know about the one at 4).

Before breaking the doll he told me he needed to have something to punch ! I grew up without brothers and find this sort of thing realy difficult.

BTw he.has now.done.the f#%&king homework, has apologised and is in the bath.
His Dad has just got in so am going.to leave them to it and.drink wine.

I'm very laid back about homework usually, as long as they at least attempt it I don't mind what it looks like. But he just completely refused and was rude and cheeky so I ratted him out to the teacher And she made him stay in at lunchtime to finish. He didn't do it again!

I have a 7 year old, who is exactly the same.

My 8 year old ds is a ball of ever changing emotions. It can be very challenging to say the least. If I say no to him he hates me, yet he still needs and wants reassuring cuddles. He is quick yo anger, easily frustrated, but at the same time gets easily sad and upset. I think at this age they are dealing with the realities of growing up. They want to be grown up and independent, but they are still little boys deep down. I'm hoping with patience he will come through this. I'm sorry if that was a ramble I'm full of cold at the moment. I wanted to say you're not alone because lately I've been feeling rubbish about my parenting and if feels like other children behave much better then mine. But that's probably another thread!!

And don't even geg me started on homework! Totally ruins our weekends!

I have an aggressive DS. Usually behind the aggression are loads of anxieties. Address the anxieties & the aggression fades. I expect your DS is just used to arguing, too, it becomes habit he needs to break. Maybe you both need to break?

Biggest tip is not to get emotional & angry yourself. I also recommend The Explosive Child.

Yes, it's normal!!!

My dd has just gone through a period of behaviour exactly as you describe and is (alleluia!!) coming out the other side!! Yay!!!

We think it was due to a combination of school pressure/lack of confidence/transitioning from infancy to proper, more independent "childhood".

If it's any consolation I have a very interesting book by the Gesell Institute of Human Behaviour called "Your Eight Your Old" (there's one for practically every age) in which the eighth year is described as "a time when the child begins to do a great deal of analyzing and evaluation, finding fault in himself and others - especially Mother"

It suggests lots of calm reassurance and individual attention as a means of getting through this sticky patch (easier said than done I know)

But honestly, it is a phase, and it will pass. DD is so much more independent now and although we have periods when she slips back from time to time (when tired or ill) she is much calmer and accepting now of things not being perfect or exactly as she would like and is generally a much happier and more rational (and helpful) soul.

Looking back, I made the mistake of engaging too much in conversation and debate when everything was already too heated which lead to anger and arguments. I should have just followed through with calm, firm instructions and saved the discussions for later.

Good luck

Proffers

Yes - agree totally with Ragged and Charlie'sWeb and the others on here. I think a lot of it is about lack of confidence. And if a child is anxious then the "fight or flight" reaction kicks in leading to avoidance (ie homework) or agression.

Very wearing to deal with but it does get better (promise!)

It's true what you said about too much conversation. Ds said to me only the other day " mummy if I say sorry to you you always want to talk about it and then you go on and on" he's absolutely right poor child. I want to give him individual attention, but he's the oldest of 3 and tbh we don't share interests in the way that he and his dad do. I do try and show an interest in the things he's interested in but it feels forced and I've been feeling that we're not as close as we used to be which makes me feel sad.

I had some help at school with the parent advisor. She was really helpful, she spoke to my son in school and then spoke to me we both said what we didn't like about the whole situation at home.
She then helped us come to agreements about what would happen at home, when homework was to be done etc. even getting my son to write up an agreement and we signed it.
One big problem which came to light was my son did not understand his homework so instead of asking he just through a wobbly everytime I asked him to do it, this caused huge arguments and stress. The problem was the school teacher just presumed he understood and was being awkward. The teacher didn't appreciate being told the way she explained the homework was rubbish but it did the trick and now he always understands and if he doesn't he will tell me. We were actually amazed how good his maths has become now he knows what he's doing.
My ds is 9 and struggles with dyslexia so we made excuses for his behaviour but really the whole situation has been improved with having the parent advisor help us talk to each other, the service is completely confidential she did not tell the school any information before asking out permission.
Every school has access to one so worth asking. Ours visits dozens of schools in the area and can be contacted by email/phone through the school and visits fortnightly always asking my ds how things are.

Agree that they want to be grown up but frustratwd that thyre not quite there. . I had a whole day of arguing and stropping, I thought I was going to throttle him. Then he got himself lost in a shopping centre and bawled like a baby when I found him and wouldn't let go of me for the rest of the day. I even had to hold his hand in the car.

my dd gets like this alot, she had her 7th birthday last week. She will argue night is day, black is white. Some weeks days are unbearable and soul destroying and leave me exhausted as once she is awake it starts. Then it will get better for a bit. I hope she grows out of it soon. She has always been strong willed but this is something new, she is a dog with a bone. Sympathy OP

Charlie'sweb aw, it is hard when they start to grow up isn't it? Don't have boys so probably talking through my hat, but could you possibly forge "new" interest together - possibly something he has suggested - that you could pretend to be fascinated by . Not easy with three though I know ...

I have one of those. He strangled his younger sister yesterday in a red mist of temper. To say that I was not pleased is an understatement and I bought out the Big Guns and involved all the key adults in his life. Am a LP but he was with his father today who had a 'serious talk' and I told his brook-no-nonsense childminder to his squirmy embarrassment and think the grandparents will, after the fuss has died down, reinforce the message in a gentle way too. Plenty of early nights this week too.

Thank you all. So much of what you say rings.true.

I'd love to give him more 121. He does sport after school 3 nights a week,so time is limited on week nights.I have a 5yo dd as well who needs my attention as well. A few months ago I was putting her to bed at 730, then doing chess or scrable.with.him. This seems to have fallen by the wayside lately and they are going to bed.together (too late probrably).

I do find it easier to enforce.routine and.bedtimes in the.winter.months.

I have a 15 year old DS like this who has been argumentative and hostile since he was about 8. He is more stressful than my two under 4's put together.

No advice, just sympathy in bucketloads

I lovedaintynuts they do say difficult teens maake interesting adults, so hopefully he will come through to be a lovely young man

Hi everyone I'm sooo glad I found this post! My dd is very tempestuous and angry and it is really stressing me out! I was starting to think she needed some kind of help. It must be something about this age?
I'm dealing with it all wrong though and don't know what to do. In the heat of the moment I get cross and shout as she reallt winds me up with relentless back chat, smart remarks. This morning I asked her to brush her teeth she went and re-did her hair instead and we were late for school. I threaten her with not being allowed to go somewhere or have a friend round (terrible I know!) But never see the threats through as once its over she is lovely again and I feel mean!

We have made a feelings book for her to go and write down her angry moments. I feel a sticker chart is too young for her.

Any ideas for reward/punishments? I always feel punishment should be immediate to have effect.

She is well behaved at school but constantly bickers with other girls at playtimes.

I feel she is 8 going on 15!

OP have you spoken to his teachers or is it a home only issue?

Even more than it being a home.issue,it apears.to me.a me.issue. Their Dad had them all weekend (I was working) and he great.apparently.

This morning he started to shout at me.stopped himself and.said Im sorry mummy I didn't mean that :). I think it must be a hormonal thing.

Try not to engage in arguments. You will never end up with the upper hand

Ds is 8 and can be like this at times. You need to state simple clear consequences for actions and follow through - no arguments though.

If he refuses to do him homework, I write in his homework book that although I asked him to do it, he could not be bothered. I only did this once (and explained to the teacher what I was doing). He could not bear the teacher to think he did not want to do it.

I cook one meal. It is on the table for a set amount of time. If it is not eaten, it goes off the table and there is no other food. I am clear that I will not force feed them but there is nothing else.

If ds deliberately broke one of dd's toys, she could take one of his of similar value and sell it on e-bay to replace hers.

hi there... my usually very well behaved 8 yo son had a complete meltdown today... i heard him grunting like a dog in the bathroom and thought he was injured... i found him shoadow boxing then he ran and began punching and kicking the lounge he was extremely frustrated... he yelled" i need to punch something!!!!I'm sooooo angry!!!" and the grunting and craziness continued... OMG then I told him to start doing push ups and sit ups to get some of the excess anger/energy "out".... he usually does a lot of sport but today he hadnt excerised so I started to play wrestle with him and after a VERY strenuous 20min wrestle ( i couldnt breathe) he calmed down ( or I suppose I tired him out)....He them asked me what just happened to him and I tried to explain that boys have testosterone that helps them to grow and gain strength... and the poor boy said " i dont want any more of that thanks!!!"...

I spoke to my husband who guessed that it was some testosterone spike that induced the excess agression and energy... he's a very big kid he just turned 8 and is 145cm tall and 36kg .... I think i should take up weight training to prep me for his teenage years!!!

Just another sign that our "little" boys are not really that little anymore!! Thanks for all the comments below, nice to know that not alone and we have so much to discover!!!

SD

When DS (now 9) started with aggressive bursts, I sent him to karate - I found it really helped his impulse control. His original class had a female Sensei so it also re-enforced the role of females as authority figures. Between the kata and the conditioning he's better able to control his behaviour.

I'm contemplating getting a punchbag for DS (8 in April) so that he can practise his karate punches and kicks and have something to lay into on occasion... He does like karate and I think that it does help - but the physicality of being able to go and punch something just when you feel like it might be helpful (he might drive me to it too!)