Failing to be a good parent to my 5yo DS

[BlushingBlind]

Hi
My DS is 5 and in year 1 at school.
He is grumpy and does the opposite of what I ask him. Before the end of Easter hols I just tried to pass it off as him being tired at the end of term.
I am a complete failure as I just end up snapping at him and getting cross and shouting (everything I swore I wouldn't) and I have no idea what to do.
One example is he is constantly accusing us of lying about things, for example we ran out of tomato sauce and he had a screaming tantrum saying I had lied! He even searched the kitchen.
I need help! Do you know where I can get help ?
Thanks for reading

Have you read How to Talk so Kids will Listen eg with the tomato sauce you could try wishing you could make some appear. Silliness can difuse the tension.

Where did he hear the lying thing? If it is something that comes up a lot you could try doing some role play with lego people or whatever about lying and telling the truth. Might help him get it out of his system.

Re getting angry, what I have found has helped me was counselling for other issues and I was also able to talk through how I felt growing up being shouted at and ignored. Count to 3 in your head before you react and think about how it feels to be shouted at. Apologise when you do it. Also have another person pref a parent who you can offload stuff on to to get it out of your system.

Hi. I'd say (at a guess) he's having issues at school. That is, if nothing has changed in your home life at all. My ds1 is also in Y1 and generally gets like this if things are bad at school, particularly in friendships. I haven't pinned it down properly yet, but if you know that he is behaving like this probably out of feeling bad about something else, then it helps to be more patient. With the tomato sauce, if things feel out of control for him somehow, then maybe he just couldn't cope with the fact that what he usually has wasn't there. This sounds v much like my ds1. Yesterday he went mental because the evening meal was something he is not used to, even though it was lovely and his younger brother and sister ate it all up. How is he academically? He could also be tired if he is struggling to learn (this is my ds1 too). He seems to find school much harder work than some of the other kids in his class.

Just reassure him that you love him. There is a good course called Triple P, but it depends where you live whether you can get it. I can recommend the How to Talk book too.

Thank you so much for your advice!
There has been changes at home - Ive been made redundant so
I'm around more. I think he has been having problems at school he cries sometimes that he has noone to play with but he does have playdates after school quite a bit. I just have no
Clue what to do and me shouting at him doesn't help! It's his refusal to understand the word no and the tantrums too.
I have a GP appt next week so I am going to ask for some help I think.
And order that book.

Ooh there's a kindle version I have some reading to do!

Thank you again. Just sad that I'm such a rubbish mum
And that plenty of others could do so much better with my gorgeous son.

Is he quite sensitive? If you're feeling stressed about work and a bit unhappy, he would pick it up. My ds1 would do this in a second, and it would make his behaviour worse. It's really hard, because at the times I need him to be better, he is worse - does my head in too. I also feel like, hey some other parents could do a better job, but hey, we have our strengths too. Feeling like you are a rubbish parent is a vicious cycle and a 'useless' thought whose only purpose is to make you a worse parent!!! Try not to think it and focus on what you do bring to him, and perhaps strengths you have that will come into play when he older too. I am really unstructured but quite creative. Looks like my ds1 is creative too, so I'm glad that I won't be a parent who is controlling and tries to turn him into an account/ doctor rather than being pleased if he decides to be a fashion designer or work part time to supplement his home-based pottery!

My son is 6 and has a major attitude. Even though his teacher says he is doing well at school and there are no problems, he will come out saying that he wants to punch certain children in his class in the head and that school is boring as he never learns anything. He always asks if I have bought him anything (sweets etc) and if I say no he will hit me and tell me to shut up when I try to explain why I haven't got anything. At home he refuses to listen to me. He will quite happily make a mess in every room of the house but when asked to clean up he just says he doesn't like tidying up and it won't save the world! Everything is a constant battle, washing, eating, getting dressed, going to bed, flushing the toilet, putting rubbish in the bin. He is so angry and when I try to talk to him about it he says we never look after him and get him anything. I admit I have spoilt him in the past so I am partly to blame but the demands for things are endless.
I find it hard to deal with as I suffer from depression and often get angry with him, sometimes to the point where I don't want to be around him. I love him very much but the daily battles are wearing me down.
Anyone got any advice on how to calm him down and make him listen? I;ve tried making tidying up into a game and rewards for good behaviour but that doesn't work. I don't know what else to try.

It's difficult but try to ignore his behaviour when it's inappropriate. He might be doing it for attention or for another reason... Do you know why he does it?

I've asked him why he behaves like he does and all he says is that we don't look after him which is not true. He won't say anything else. He's nasty to his nan as well even not allowing her in the house sometimes. The only person he is not horrible around is his uncle but he won't talk to him either. I don't think he does it for attention as there is always someone with him.

May be he wants more 'quality time' attention...only guessing obviously as can't know from a mn post. I would try to ignore his behaviour completey and when he is behaving, try to do something he wants to do with him, even if only for 30 mins, see if that changes his view.

Obv it's not appropriate to shout at a child all the time or to be permanently angry. That is not being the adult and pushing your own bad mood onto a child.

However that doesn't mean it is never right to shout and be angry, as i think some posters have suggested. Your DS is 5, not 12 months. It is appropriate for him to learn that if he does certain things he is going to make people very annoyed with him. I don't think there is any harm in showing anger with reasonable shouting/raised voice.

Obv if you scream at him for 10 mins solid that is a different matter. But shouting firmly "Ds I have told you not to do that I am getting very annoyed with you now go to your room" is fine in my book, combined with cuddle once things have calmed down.

Anger is a valid emotion, it's how you control and express it.

Good point, Bumps. I agree with that too.

I also think you need to try things out to see whether he needs greater boundaries or if something else is going on with him and coming down hard will make it worse. If some anger and a trip to his room helps, that's great. If it makes things generally worse (not just a bad reaction to the discipline, which does often happen in the short term) then you need a re-think.