Emotionally immature 11yr olds

[bubby64]

Hi, sorry, this is long winded, but don't want to "drip feed".
I have 11yr old twin boys who are due to start high school in Sept. They are very short for their age, and quite emotionally immature as well. We are having problems at both school and scouts, as all their friends are far more grown up in their manner and outlook. My two are still happy to play Lego and imaginary games, although they also play xbox etc as well.
If they get upset, though they try not too, they do start to cry, which makes them even more of a target, and so their friends get embarrassed and walk away, (this is understandable in a lot of ways , as they are also 11) but this makes my boys even more upset.
The school has said they need to "harded up" a little as they are becoming a target for being made fun of and bullying, and the school are intervening at the moment, but the head is worried about what will happen at high school, which is becoming a big worry for both my DH and I. DH has tried to talk to them about not crying and trying to act a little more grown up, and, although they try, when push comes to shove, they behave as they did before. I am quite an emotional person, so I feel that they have inherited this side from me, but I have learned through the school of hard knocks to control this
What can I do to help them, as I no longer know what to do or say.

Just a short reply as I'm on the hop, but I think you'll be very surprised at how much they'll grow up when they go to Secondary school. It just seems to happen without you noticing.

Poor little boys. They sound perfectly lovely to me, Why should they be forced to grow up fast just because other people's children are exposed to and interested in inappropriate things? My DS was like this but luckily for him was at prep school till 13.

I think maybe spending time with them over the summer teaching them some coping strategies without crying might be a very good idea. Put scenarios to them and work out coping strategies with them for a range of eventualities. It will take a few weeks of them not crying for the other children to realise there's no mileage in winding them up to make them cry. So they'll need to be strong and resilient for a few weeks before they see any change in how the others behave towards them. Also as a general rule crying doesn't really get you anywhere in real life so it's worth their while trying to learn not to resort to it.

Do they do anything separately in their lives? Or do they always have each other to fall back on when things go wrong? If not, would it be worth putting them in for some separate activities so that they have to deal with things on their own a couple of times a week?

Bless them both. My DH cries at the age of 42 sometimes and it's why i love him - because he has the emotional maturity to show his feelings. It shows he's happy in his own skin.

Rather than telling them to stop crying and grow up, maybe help them to view things/ cope differently so that they are not quite as sensitive about things. What is it that sets them off? If it's criticism, try teaching them to see criticism in a positive way to either prove others wrong or take what they've said and improve a situation. I don't know any 11 year olds who have 'hardened up' and would actually view it rather negatively if they had.

Poor little boys. They sound perfectly lovely to me, Why should they be forced to grow up fast just because other people's children are exposed to and interested in inappropriate things?

Oh Duchesse, this isn't always the case, you know? Some children are just mature. It has zilch to do with what they're exposed to. Not turning this into a bun fight, absolutely not my intention but this just isn't always true.

Just saying.

If they're "mature", they will know not to make fun of other people who are not so "mature". That's what I find myself repeating ad nauseam. Being interested in the opposite sex, pop music, clothes and facebook does emphatically not equal maturity. Being sensitive to the feelings of others, able to deduce others' motivations and act accordingly, well, that is maturity, a trait that most teenagers do not gain before 15/16

Do you think it's inappropriate for an eleven/twelve year old to be interested in pop music or clothes? I'd say it's entirely normal behaviour.

bubby64 I really think Secondary will be the turning point for you. There will be new friends to make, in fact everything is new. Try not to worry, everything will be fine. You are very much left to fend for yourself at Secondary, there's nobody fawning over you, it's a big wake up call for lots of children.

See it as a new start.

margaritaa, we're talking about 10/11 year olds, not 11/12 yo. And yes I do think it fairly inappropriate for children that young to be interested in such things.

I think you'll find you're in the minority there, but okay!

Seriously, you think it's appropriate for 10-11 year olds to be behaving like mini-teenagers? I suspect I am not in the minority actually.

i agree that they will grow up a LOT when they start high school wihtout you even realising and then you will be like OMG!

my ds1 is also very sensitive but he has learnt not to show that upset at school, he will come home and talk to myself or dp, but he wouldnt cry at school.

my ds1 is 12 and not interested in clothes, or pop music, or girls at all and i dont know that many 10-12yr old boys that are interested in girls really. clothes and music maybe, but thats certainly something that develops more in high school

fb isnt allowed for under 13s in our house at the moment, tho as ds1 will be 13 this summer that is pending a review!

and all the boys i know of yr 8 in high school still play with lego, i dont think its something that they all grow out of, some adults still like lego!

I find that (even as an adult) I cry more easily if I haven't used up enough adrenaline... it's like it has nowhere to go, if that makes sense? I find that doing things that challenge me and make me exercise, helps a lot. I'm talking about stuff like using a climbing wall, canoeing, swimming, walks that push me a bit, doing things that I'm a little bit scared of.

I only really cottoned onto this a few years ago and it's helped my confidence no end. I think what I'm trying (very clumsily ) to say, is that confidence building could work just as well for your boys as it does for a 40+ woman .

Thanks for the replies, I think that the fact they are also very small for their age doesn't help, they are only just 140cm still, and all their class, (and most of the class beneath them, to be honest!) are taller and maturing faster. They were very premature, which is prob part of the problem. They do tend to be with each other a lot, (they fight most of the time TBH!) they have no choice really, there are only 20 kids in their year, and DH is away quite a bit. I have already requested that they are seperated at High School. They are doing 2 scout camp weekends over the next few months, where they will have to cope with a lot of challenges, so this may help.
DH wondered if it was the fact we are "older" (46+48) than a lot of the other parents and are not really interested in the current music etc, we tend to be radio 2 listeners!!
We do, however, have traditional values, obey rules, no swearing, tell the truth, be polite etc, and, although this makes them very popular with parents/teacher/leaders, some of the other little shits kids find it a thing to tease them over!