Potty training and starting to get stressed about whether DS 3.5 has SN or if it's all in my head...

[HepHep]

Posting here rather than in Potty Training as it's busier, and this covers a few issues.

I have a 3.5 year old DS (will be 4 in August) who is still in nappies and is not bothered about using the toilet. He can use the loo, has weed in it countless times both sitting and (recently) standing, and pooed once. He doesn't seem to know when he's about to do either and his poos are always soft so maybe that's why (sorry if tmi). Generally if I ask him if he'd like to/tell him to use it he says 'no' cheerfully and can't be persuaded. Have tried chocolate, no nappies (hellish), cajoling/explaining he's a big boy now, it's pointless. Nothing works.

Peoples reactions to him not being like other kids are getting me down. As though they think if I did something differently he would be okay and it's my parenting He is so, so tiring and never switched off unless he is asleep or watching TV, and anyone who spends any significant time with him emerges drained and haggard. But the judgey ones are the ones who see me from the outside, obviously struggling to hold it together, and this sunny happy cheerful boy, and they don't understand what it is like. I'm a single mum but he goes to his dad's three afternoons a week and I have some support from one granny. I'm SAHM who works from home so I can't go back to work to get a break from him and I don't want to put him in nursery, it doesn't sit well with me personally. We're planning to home educate him so it feels like it's going to be like this forever...

Starting to lose my mind quietly. Because he's a fussy eater and gets quite stressed by changes in his routine, I'm also starting to wonder if he has special needs and have considered posting on that board but feel I would be laughed off there by parents whose kids have 'real problems' :(
It sounds so horrible but I just wish he was normal :( Feel like I'm coping really badly with the situation and wondering if I am depressed and the problem is with me, not him. I'm so bloody sick of changing nappies!

Please talk to your health visitor. She can assess your child's development and suggest strageries to help with toilet training.

It may well be worth you sending him to nursery for 15 hours a week as seeing other children using the toilet would moviate him. You have nothing to lose and it doesn't stop you home educating later. You do not have to use your entire 15 hours. Or if you are really anti nurseries then there are some childminders who accept nursery funding.

I don't think that anyone would laugh at you for being worried about your son.

Thanks, RT. Haven't been to the health visitor since I split with XP and moved away to a neighbouring town. My HV isn't very nice, though :( Terrified at the idea of anyone else nagging me on top of judgey acquaintances and my mum.

He's at his dad's right now so it isn't me having a break that's needed so much, although him socialising would probably help. I'm not wildly in favour of childminders or nurseries, tbh - though happy they are there for those who want them. I wish there was more to do in my area for small kids apart from those above options; my mum takes him to a tumble together group for an hour a week but the older ones disappear as they are all in school so it's mostly babies. Local home ed stuff is all aimed at 7ish and up, in practise.

Feel at a loss, really... He's so bright and articulate, and yet so stubborn and backward in other ways. He's just not like any other child I have ever met and I don't know how to parent him. Wish he'd come with a manual.

No-one will laugh you off the special needs boards, they're all lovely there.

Could you see a different health visitor? That is really your first port of call, usually...

So far you've mentioned, fussy eating, stressing about change in routines and a high activity level - is that it? or are there other areas you're worried about?

TBH only being partially potty trained at his age isn't that unusual, it really isn't that old, mine were both between 3 and a half and 4 before they were completely potty trained, my DS does have SN, but my DD's just an awkward mare, lol (it's ok, she's 12 now and completely fine on the toilet, rofl)

Cool, thanks tabula, perhaps I'll post there a bit later.

I don't know how to arrange to see a different HV. Perhaps I'll get me an DS registered at a more local Drs and take it from there. Ironically, I feel so lethagic most of the time that arranging that sort of stuff turns into a big deal and gets put off for week. We moved house 2 years ago!

The fussy eating is pretty fussy, the only fruit/veg he will eat is bananas, raisins and cooked frozen peas. And mashed potato/waffles. Interspersed with lots of pasta and pesto/sauce without lumps, yoghurt, cereal & milk and the same lunch every single day (peanut butter sandwich) and that's all he ever eats really. It's an okay diet and he exists on it but he gets every cold going and he never expands his list of what he will eat.

I think what prompted this is a conversation with an acquaintance who attends the same large camping events as me in the summer.
I've been taking DS since he was in utero and it's been hell compared to going there as a happy singleton. She said something to the effect of 'if you don't take him now, he'll never learn to be okay with it and thus be low maintenance when he's older'.

That's everyone's attitude about everything; just persevere. Try him with new foods, try encouraging him to wear pants, etc etc. It never works :( At camp last year he refused to eat even the few foods he normally did, he was stressed and uber demanding and after existing on spaghetti hoops for most of the week, he got a bug (predictably) and threw up everywhere all night. Having to wash his clothes because he'd got poo on them most days and change constant diarrhea nappies was just when I decided 'I'm not taking him next year, he can stay with his granny and I'm going on my own like I used to'. I had a REALLY shit time with him it it seemed to be all about the food, nappies and him freaking out and whinging/demanding I play with him ALL THE TIME. I feel like I can't take him anywhere because of these issues. I see other mums camping and doing allsorts with their kids and I feel I must be doing something wrong that he is not like those kids. :( And because I'm not enjoying the constant drudgery. That's what this friend made me feel; that it is part of motherhood and I just have to grit my teeth and endure it. So, are other kids like this, is this just how it is?

I don't want to play down what you are going through as I know how hard it is. But just to let you know :
My ds cried for 2 years
He was nervous in a lot of social situations and vvv clingy
Could not potty train til he was 4, and i had lots of arguments with nursery because they did not like this
Was vv fussy eater from age 2 til 4

Now he is 11 and perfectly ok in all ways, eating lasagne tonight for dinner
I potty trained him just before he started school, and started to introduce more foods gradually over the years. He now eats everything.
Don't worry, don't rush potty training as you can create more problems. I ended up in a&e with ds with urine infection as he was withholding urine.

Don't listen to too many people, just go with your own instincts about your ds.

frankie, no no - hearing that is very helpful! :) Thanks for responding. Glad your DS is sorted now, that's really good to know.

Hi there do pop over to SN board some of his issues sound similar to my dd2s and I'm on the SN board a lot! I would forget the HV and go to your GP when you register with a new one, just ring and make an app and they will register you on phone at same time and tell you what you need to take with you as identification. When you go for app take a list of your concerns with you so you don't forget anything

Some children are just harder work than others, definitely...

For what it's worth, I wouldn't go camping with a toddler, not if I was paid, lol, I know some people do and manage to enjoy it - but I can't think of anything that seems like harder work and less like fun.

The eating alone could be worth seeing the health visitor or GP about, if you go and see them about that - tell them what you've tried and ask for help with that and it gives you a chance to then discuss any other concerns you have.

Thank you :) I have decided I will register at a new practice in my town this week and get the ball rolling that way. I would like some suport with his eating that isn't in the form of my mother guilting nagging me about it.
Thanks to those who responded.

It is hard work, I'm still having an ongoing battle with potty training my 3-year old, he will be 4 in July.

Just a random thought - does your DC get to socialise with a regular set of children much??

conors, no not really :( I don't have any friends with kids nearby, only have one friend in the county and he is childless. DS does get to meet with sort of the same kids once a week at the tumble tots thing, but as I said the older ones around his age are all disappearing now and I think he finds it a bit boring.
Not much happening in the HE community locally for little ones, and he never socialises on the three days a week he's at his Dad's because his dad is a hermit like me .

HepHep, your situation sounds v similar to ours. My DD1 is 3.6yo and although she has used a potty a couple of times, she has shown no interest so far in ditching nappies. I've tried her in knickers a couple of times but she gets upset and refuses to use the potty. She is also very sensitive and a fussy eater (she will literally run off screaming if you offer any new food). I've also had criticism advice from all and sundry.

Fortunately I have a very supportive team of HCPs locally. I've seen 2 GPs and 2 HVs and they have all said- don't worry about it, when she's ready she will do it. They have asked if I have any concerns, they didn't appear to have any of their own. They told me if she didn't show any interest by age 4 then I could go back and talk to them. Hopefully your new surgery will be more supportive.

I don't think my DD1 has SN, I think that she will either grow out of a lot of her funny ways or find coping mechanisms as she gets older.

Sadly there is no manual but I found this book very helpful.

If you ever want to PM me feel free :)

Tbh, I think you're expecting quite a lot of yourself in that it seems that apart from 3 afternoons a week, you are one-on-one with your son. Now, you mention that you don't like paid childcare/want to home ed, and obviously, that's a compltely valid choice, but I would say that your circumstances are pretty unusual and convey a level of intensity of interaction that many parents would find pretty challenging. IME, most SAHM's with children your age are getting breaks either through nursery, or because they do a lot of activities with other children, and when children are with other children, they are not wanting to play with you (plus it wears them out because they all roar around together).

If you do plan to home ed, then I think you need to think about how he is going to form friendships- you mention that there's nothing much going on until age 7, but he needs some interaction with children his own age well before then.

In the gentlest possible way, could you rethink your decision re nursery for even 1 short day a week? Having more peer interaction might make quite a lot of difference.

Hi Hephep...sorry you sound like you are having a hard time.
I have lots of children of my own and also childmind. Your son reminds me of one of my daughters(now 10 and all fine) and one of the boys who I currently mind. As well as several boys and girls who I have looked after in the past.

Infuriatingly for his lovely mother he eats nearly everything I put in front of him but very little and very restricted diet with her. I think with me he copies the other children and the food just gets shoved (well a little more genteelly) in front of him and he eats it because he is hungry and is so keen to get going with the rest of the days play. Sometimes meal times with just the 2 of you (or just you sitting with him watching him eat) is just such an intense experience that it becomes a mine field for both of you. Perhaps try to go out and picnic (if the rain ever stops) or make meal times less about food and what goes in and more about talking, having fun and sharing.

You sound very isolated and i am sure it would be great if both you and your DS could interact with more people. Even if you are planning to home school then socialisation is a big part of learning at this age. Is there a home-school network around you...you may find there are younger siblings that your DS could get to know before you start formally schooling him.

I personally wouldn't start to worry about the toilet yet He is still very little and his neurons are still growing. the fact that he has used the toilet a few times is encouraging, not discouraging. .

Could not agree more about nursery. My DS was completely persuaded by peer pressure (very nicely) that eating lots of different things and potty training were just normal activities (didn't and doesn't [of course] stop him from still being a fussy eater at home). There are lots of different sorts of nurseries - and there might well be one that you would feel happy and comfortable with for a few mornings/afternoons a week (might give you a break as well). Good luck, it will sort itself out.

Oh, I forgot to say, we are also planning to HE. I haven't sent DD1 to nursery because I don't think she'd enjoy it (she doesn't like big groups of children).

After a bit of a search I've found a group that is welcoming to pre-school aged children and found others through a natural parenting club and LLL- is there anything like that near you? You could also try Netmums local or just turn up at the local park, there are always other children to play with.

It does take extra effort to find other families but they are out there!

For me nursery feels weird because of wanting to HE - he'd have to come out after a year and be back to how it is now. I really want to join groups/activities that are sustainable longer term and fit in with HE, not temporary. Can totally see how the peer pressure aspect would work wonders, though

I also agree about him needing some interaction with children his own age.

Tumble Tots is great, but it isn't the same as spending even a few hours a week with the same children, making friends and learning from them about what is normal in terms of going to the toilet, or eating or whatever it might be.

If you were going to send him to school, then he would be starting in September. You could send him to preschool for a couple of sessions a week, which would be free so no impact on your finances.

I think HE can be a good thing, if parents have the will and ability to ensure that the social aspects of education are addressed. Without meaning to sound harsh, it doesn't sound as though you or his father are really able to do that. If there is nothing really locally in the HE community for little ones, why don't you put out some feelers and start something up? Or find out where people with older HE kids take their younger siblings, there must be something going on.

X posted, Eau Rouge. Thanks for the book rec, it sounds brilliant! Will order it :) I had a look at netmums today and it seemed mostly toddler groups but I may have been looking at just that section.

Because I feel quite depressed and drained by (as others have said) the full on intensity of parenting him so closely, ironically I don't have the energy to get out and do stuff most of the time. Also am incredibly, bread-line poor, and have no car which doesn't help.

Going to try and make an effort to take him swimming next week while I think what else to join, which he quite likes even though it leaves me a nervous wreck afterwards .

Hep hep. Don't want to aggravate an already intense situation but I think you definitely need to think through how you are going to sort out socialisation as part of your son't education.
If both you and his father are "hermits" then this might be a real problem for you. If social interaction is tricky for you, you are going to have to expend much more energy that a naturally sociable "people" person would to fulfil this part of your son's developmental needs.

^Because I feel quite depressed and drained by (as others have said) the full on intensity of parenting him so closely, ironically I don't have the energy to get out and do stuff most of the time. Also am incredibly, bread-line poor^

This is very telling. Please try hard to find some support and like-minded people.

maybe even look at your reasons for home schooling again. make sure it is the right thing for your son. It is great but it is super HARD WORK and won't be easier than you are finding it now.

Thanks foolon and others :) We are very committed to HE, but do obviously really want him to socialise loads as well, the two aren't mutually exclusive but obviously it requires some extra effort when feeling lethargic and I appreciate that.

I'm looking into the possibility that I might have PMDD, as my moods really change according to my cycle and sometimes (like today) I am normal, confident, bouncy etc, but others I can barely get out of bed. I pretty much have every symptom on the list for about half the month.

I have decided to set up my own HE-friendly/natural parenting parent and child group locally, as there just isn't much available in my town. I think there will be good demand for it, and it will help me and DS to meet people and mingle. I also registered DS and I with our nearby GP today and made an apt for him for next week as I am concerned he may have a lazy eye (like me) so will mention the food and potty training issues then.
Thanks for all your help.

well done!!

Oh well done Hep :)

BTW - is your nickname an Anne of Green Gables reference?

Thanks, both :)

Err, no it's what I used to say to my son when lifting him out of his highchair