Please tell me your hitting toddler turned into a lovely, peaceful child...

[MrTumblesCrackWhore]

ds1 has been an intermittent hitter at playgroups and softplay since he was 20 months. He is now 2.8 yrs. For a while I put it down to lack of expression and frustration. Lately, I'm worried it's going to be part of his personality. Dh and I are not like that at all, we've been very consistent in how we've dealt with it and although there have been some improvements, ds still does it.

He 'understands' it is 'not nice' and usually is very upset and contrite about it straight away but it seems like he can't control himself sometimes.

He also frequently tell me he 'doesn't like boys and girls' yet really enjoys the company of a few friends' kids the same age. Might he get overwhelmed and anxious in noisier social situations? In addition, he is terrible about sharing. I know most toddlers are like this but it seems particularly pronounced in him.

He's generally much happier in the company of older children and adults but I'm worried about when he starts Pre-school in september that he won't integrate well.

Otherwise, he is very funny, warm and engaging. It's like living with Jekyll and bloody Hyde at the moment.

Dh and I are not like that at all I am sure you're not in the way you don't go round hitting random other people. But there are probably 101 other ways that you differ from a 2-year-old. It is also possible that either of you delivered the odd hit when you were that age. Your DS really will grow out of it, and will enjoy the company of, and be able to play with, children his own age as he gets older.

DS2 was a biter . I dreaded collecting him from nursery.
He is now the sweetest, gentlest 14 year old boy I know.

My DD is exactly the same. She is 2.7 but looks 4. Very tall. Which doesn't help when she is hitting/pushing/snatching etc etc etc.

Before we go in to whereever we are going, I speak to her face to face, and tell her no hitting/kicking/pushing and you must share.

Instead of sitting at playgroup, I basically stalk her round the room, the second something happens I remove her immediately (out of the room if I can). We then repeat above conversation and I tell her if it happens again, we go home - and if it does, we do.

She has got particularly bad, last couple of months, before that it was just sharing that was a problem.

As far as the actual physical stuff goes, its learnt from other kids. She never kicked til last week, someone kicked her, so now she has learnt that!

I have also reduced the number of playgroups and try and not go to the same ones all the time. I think at this age it can be, that they are getting abit old for it and need more.

My DD starts nursery in September too, and I'm just gonna wing it til then. I do think its something that will pass, but I completely understand how you feel.

I think I have said this before, but I do remember looking at other mums struggling with their tantruming toddler, and looking at my cute little 18 month old abit smugly. These days I look at the smug mums thinking, your time will come.....

DS1 exhibited almost every antisocial toddler behaviour going between about 18 months and 3 - not all at once, thankfully, but there was always something. We had phases of biting, pushing, refusing to share / fighting over toys, not liking other children, not liking any adults at all outwith close family (and loudly declaring that he "did not like THAT LADY" in all sorts of embarrassing situations), refusing to go places (parties, friends' houses, the supermarket). Although he was always pretty much OK if we just stayed at home.

He's coming up for 4 now and it's a while since he'd done any of this. I'd take him anywhere these days, he generally behaves well, and is polite and sociable. Never thought I'd see the day!

Watching with interest; DD (2) pinches, bites and hits with alarming regularity and nothing seems to be working to stop her....

My son was a hitter /pusher at that age. He's now 12 and a gentle geek

DS is almost 3.6, we've had biting, pushing, snatching, screaming...it started around 2 and I have to say although he can still be a bloody sod he is getting better.

Duckety Oh I recall the playgroup stalking so well I often wondered why I ever went.

It really will get better....

My ds1 was horrific! It all started when he was about 17/18 months, he became very frustrated (he became a big bro at 18 months) and would hit out and have the biggest tantrums.
He would throw things at people, would push all the time and hit lots.
I was mortified. I stayed on top of it and used naughty corners, time outs, lots of praise for when he played nicely etc.
As he got a bit older we spect more time talking about what was kind and what was unkind.
On one occassion he swung a plastic toy phone at a little girls head, splitting her forehead

he is now 4.8 yrs old and rarely uses violence to express himself.
He talks about it sometimes, saying things like "If John doesn't let me play with that truck, I'm going to hit him in the face" , but we then sit down and I ask him if that's a nice way to talk and if hitting is kind. He says "no" and we then talk through things he can do to get the truck. I ask him things like do you think John would swap the truck for that plane? Or how about you play with the trains until John has finished? Why don't you ask John if you can play too? What do you think you could do instead of hitting him? Etc etc. Ds1 thinks about it and normally comes to a nice solution himself.

I also found that an 'angry pillow' worked well for him when he was really bad. I gave him a pillow that was just his and it was for him to hit and kick and throw and bite and do whatever he needed to when he felt cross/sad/angry.
He would often come to me and yell "mummy I need my angry pillow", after 5 mins ripping the s*^t out of this pillow, he was calm.

Good luck. This is a phase, it too shall pass

yes - DS was very hard work as a toddler. He could not share toys at home, so we had to stop asking people over, he often took toys and pushed other children, so I had to stalk him at playgroups. His tantrums were spectacular and incredibly loud.

He became a very gentle, civilised and charming four year old (it got better gradually). Hang on in there

DS (20yo) was a biter.
Once I bit her back after she'd bitten a playmate. Actually it worked but she would have grown out of it anyway.

She is now sweet and lovely and wouldn't hurt a fly.

My kids were always on the receiving end, I do wish they had gone to playgroup/nursery with all of the children mentioned on here whose mums dealt with the behaviours.
Their bloody stupid mums would smile, say "oh he doesn't mean it" or appear not to notice their thug child.
It will go away if you help him to grow out of it, with good boundaries and consequences as the other mums on here clearly have done.

I hear your pain. I started my thread last night on here. No advice, but watching with interest.

Thank you so much for all your responses. I really mean it. I was starting to feel a bit like we were going to be social pariahs for the foreseeable future but you ve all given me hope.

cecilyp I know what you mean , but it has got to the point where I have thought that his behaviour had gone beyond normal toddlerisms.

Intuitively, I know ds1 has, underneath it all, a lovely nature but my maternal compass has been a bit off because of his recent, pretty intense behaviour and I've lost a little confidence in my parenting of him.

OP, do you go to any toddler groups on a regular basis, so you see the same children week in, week out? If so, you would soon get to know that the others are not all paragons of virtue whilst yours is the worst of the bunch. Unless all the other toddlers you meet are paragons of virtue, of course.

cecilyp we go to one regular group and unfortunately for us,yes, the other toddlers are pretty well behaved. Tbh I've been avoiding others that we used to go to as ds seemed worse at those than the one we've kept going to. He's mildly better at this one, mainly because he has two of his regular friends there too - and mischief is usually confined as he's too busy racing round with my friends' dcs to cause mayhem elsewhere. It does happen but less so.

illegitimate (great name btw) maybe we should start a support group fit mums of feisty toddlers?!

Yes, DS1 was a hair-puller, it was an utterly miserable phase. I also stalked him, tried to keep away from really busy situations as that made it worse and tried to make him understand this was not nice behaviour.

I don't want to speak too soon but he's nearly 4 and much more pleasant these days. I can't remember the last time he pulled anyone's hair, I can let him run round at playgroup and he's been doing well at preschool.

I did wonder what the hell I'd done wrong and why my parenting had produced someone who could behave so unpleasantly. Most of my friends had children who could be a bit challenging but weren't violent, so it felt like I was the only one dealing with it. In fact I think a lot of toddlers have their moments, the difference is you see all your DS's misbehaviour, children you only see for a few hours a week can appear to be angels but they probably have their moments too.

That should have read support group for mums... not fit mums ! illegitimate although I'm sure you are :)

plaguegroups I'm glad it has got better for you. That's given me hope. Ds1 went off to playgroup this morning ( the type you don't stay for) after a long Easter break so we'll see how it goes. His key person there appears to have a soft spot for him, so he can't usually be that bad.