Help with a frustrated 16 month old.

[ScarletLadyOfTheNight01]

Hi all, I'd really appreciate some advice from more experienced mums (and Dads!).

I have a DD who is 16 months and she's become incredibly challenging recently. She's even started having tantrums, I mean full on thrashing around and screaming moments.

I'm pretty sure it's frustration at her inability to communicate. She can say a few things (hiya, bubba (when she sees a baby), hot (when I tell her not to touch something hot), mummy, daddy, no etc), but that's about it.

She's very independent so will always try to do things herself, and then get stressed when she can't do it. She also shrieks at me if she wants me to do something...and then gets annoyed if I can't work out what it is.

I'm just at a bit of a loss to be honest. I'm sure she'll be easier once she can talk, but I don't know how to deal with her current behaviour. I don't want her to think that shrieking and throwing a fit is the way to get things done if you know what I mean.

She's also quite late walking, and has only just started toddling a few steps in between furniture, so I think that's frustrating her as well. Plus, she's not really sleeping through yet. She's done the odd night in the last two weeks, then the next night she's waking again.

Does anyone have any advice at all? I feel like I'm losing patience with her and I know it's not her fault. While she's a little behind on some things, she's very bright, so I can't help but feel it's that her brain is getting frustrated at the limitations of her body...if that makes sense. i thought tantrums weren't supposed to start yet!

No advice I'm afraid, but lots of sympathy and a bump!!

My 15mo is not walking, and saying about the same amount of words as your DD. She too is getting very frustrated and tantrumming when she can't do something or when she can't have what she wants.

Usually when she has a tantrum I simply explain to her why she can't do/have what she wants, or ignore her depending on the situation. I'm hoping that by not reacting/giving in to her she will learn they this is not the way to behave.

Sign!

A few simple signs can make so much difference and children pick them up very quickly.

I have found using the sign for 'finished' works wonders on my 2yr old DC5.
He will happily wander off and find something else to do whereas before he would whinge and have a tantrum.

Drink/more/finished/food are good ones to start with.

It wont solve all your problems but it could help a bit.

Yes, I was going to suggest teaching a few signs. We just made our own up. One seems to stand for a few things - drink/food/dummy so I just ask DS in turn which one it is and he shakes his head or nods in appropriate places.

Also we have just got a 'first 100 words' book which seems to have gone down very well as a distraction from things he can't do/say.

My ds got really frustrated just before he started walking. Once he mastered that he was much better.

Signing sounds good too, most children get frustrated at this point as they understand more than they can say. By finding signs to use may help this frustration until the language comes.

Thanks so much, that's a really great idea. I'll look into it most definitely. Does anyone have any suggestions for sites that might be good? I can't afford classes or anything so free stuff would be most appreciated. Thanks again for all the responses.

Helping her with her tantrums when they're due to frustration like this won't teach her that that's the way to go about things - she already knows it isn't and is having a meltdown because she can't do it the way she knows it is done. It's completely different from a three-year-old having a hissy in the supermarket because he can't have all the chocolate.

Agree that signs can be useful - so can pictures of what she might want - presumably she can point to things. Other than that, helping her calm down when she has a tantrum and explaining that you know she's frustrated but that you can work it out together might help. 16 month olds understand heaps more than they can say (there's a metaphor for language development about an iceberg - it takes a colossal amount of language under the surface before those first words start appearing) so talking things through really does help. Good luck.

Thanks octavia, that's really helpful. I'm so new to all this as she's my first and I don't have much experience with young children. It's hard to know what is willful naughtiness and just plain old frustration. Plus I don't know what ages you're supposed to start with discipline etc, therefore I wasn't sure about the development side of understanding if they're doing something wrong, or just trying things out and getting it wrong, if that makes sense. I don't agree with smacking as it is, and even if I did, I know enough to know that isn't the way to deal with this. It's just very frustrating for both of us! My DH has just started a full time job, so I'm going to take advantage of the one on one time and try a few things out to see if they help.

Don't worry, you sound like you're doing fine. A serious NO! at this age is enough to tell them when they're into something they shouldn't be into (though they may not take any notice), but a frustration tantrum can't be/shouldn't be punished. The book What Every Parent Needs To Know is massively helpful, I found, in that it explains exactly what's going on in the brain when they're like this and how best to help them. It talks about 'big feelings' that can be very frightening for them - they don't like losing control and it's our job to help them manage themselves.

Keep talking to her. She will understand much more than she can actually say at this age.
Maybe try and anticipate some of the things likely to cause meltdown and see if you can divert her attention.
Try and come up with things that she can do herself and don't be too quick to jump in and help.
Try and avoid over tiredness/hunger as these can also be big triggers for tantrums.
Other than that, it's pretty normal behaviour!

Thanks again, I've spent some time this morning going through older posts in this forum, which has been helpful. It's nice to know it's all normal. I was worried I was doing something wrong, as she used to be such a smiley, happy baby, but now she just seems grumpy most of the time. I'll definitely try everything suggested here.