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Original poster

12 year old with social problems

20 replies

wouldratherbeonthebeach · 21/04/2012 23:45

My ds1 is having real social issues, he's been quite badly bullied in his primary school and now in high school. He behaves very strangely often saying very inappropriate things and making odd comments to adults and peers. He tries really hard with the other boys in his year ( all boys school) but doesn't have many friends.
We have been called into school as the teachers wanted to discuss it with us and they think he could have aspergers. We are starting the assessment process this week.
Dh just went in to say goodnight to him and finds him hysterical in corner of his room. Turns out he has sent a naked video of himself to a girl who is still in primary school in ds2's class. He deleted it before dh could see it and I texted the girl to delete it and she said she has. We are both mortified and at witts end over his behaviour. I know the girls mother a little bit, debating whether or not to call her and explain what happened or to leave it.
Any ideas or suggestions?

OP posts:
Morph2 · 22/04/2012 00:00

just my opinion but i think you might be better to say something now (as in now i mean tomorrow) as if you don't and it comes out later it could end up being worse and looking like you tried to cover up.

sorry i can't be any help on the social problems

pictish · 22/04/2012 00:05

Yes, you should contact the mother...hard though it will be.

I am so sorry for your stress over this. You must be very worried!

pictish · 22/04/2012 00:07

Your poor ds2 could suffer from this episode too, if the girl decides to tell her friends and it gets around.
I wish you the very best of luck in getting to the bottom of this. xx

tethersend · 22/04/2012 00:15

You do need to contact the girl's parents, particularly as you texted the girl and asked her to delete it. If the girl's parents discover what happened and find out that you contacted their DD and not them, they will be very upset and angry- understandably so.

Has your DS said anything about why he did it?

Original poster
wouldratherbeonthebeach · 22/04/2012 00:22

Thanks. Tether I agree with you I wouldn't want someone else speaking to one of my dc's without me knowing.
I'm really worried about the repercussions for ds1 and ds2 especially as the mother likes to gossip Sad I will be calling her first thing in the morning tho.
We are really worried about ds1 and don't know how to deal with him. Obviously we have taken his phone but I'm not sure what else to do. It is punishment in itself for him as he is really upset that he did it and says he doesn't know why he did itConfused
Thanks for the support, I'm in a right state Sad

OP posts:
pictish · 22/04/2012 00:24

Oh dear, I bet you are.

Does he have any insight into what he did being so inappropriate?

Original poster
wouldratherbeonthebeach · 22/04/2012 00:31

He knows it was wrong but from the previous texts she was goading him into doing it do he thought he was doing what she asked him to do. He doesn't seem to understand social situations and what is and isn't appropriate.
The psychologist is going into school to observe him on Monday but ds1 doesn't know about it. Tempted to rearrange as he's going to be quite subdued this week but it's taken ages to get to this point. I'm to embarrassed to explain the situation to him when we meet with him on Tuesday.

OP posts:
tethersend · 22/04/2012 00:32

I don't think you need to be worried about punishing him for this- it will be far more effective if you can find the reason he did it, and so work on preventing it happening again.

He needs to know to keep himself safe, too; talking about why he did it without blame will help get to the bottom of it and hopefully prevent any future occurrences.

pictish · 22/04/2012 00:35

I see. Do you have the texts where she goads him into it?

These could be very important when dealing with her mum you see. You must explain to her that your ds1 is being assessed for Aspergers atm and outline a little of the social problems that can run along with it.
Hopefully she will be a little more approachable if she knows her dd has been teasing him.

I really feel for you OP.

tethersend · 22/04/2012 00:36

I think you really have to be open with everyone about this. This behaviour seen in context of other inappropriate behaviours/social difficulties does not make your child a monster. You really have nothing to be ashamed of.

I think speaking to school and/or the psychologist could be a good idea, as it allows them to put his difficulties in context; the seriousness of this particular behaviour also makes it difficult for them to brush his difficulties aside IYSWIM.

nickseasterchick · 22/04/2012 00:44

I really feel sorry for you Sad its so very hard for us as parents to watch our dc struggle socially,somehow its more acceptable to struggle educationally than it is to behave 'differently'.

Your ds may or may not have issues that cause him to behave like this but he is becoming upset by his own actions and whilst I see you are doing your best to help him,please take it from as a mum of a dc who also struggled socially nothing damages a little boy more than being 'socially unaccepted' Sad.

He knows hes done wrong with regards to the phone image and you do need to speak to the girls mum also id be inclined to take his phone as this is very inappropriate behaviour,you wouldnt allow a 3 year old to play with darts and a dartboard would you?.

Next and some people may disagree with me get him a funky haircut/football shirt/converse whatever is 'in' with boys in your area and a selection of moshi monsters/football cards etc etc and show him how to do swaps in a mature way-guide him through his day,teach him to cope with the difficulties hes encountering ,help him become a person who is loved for who he is,praise him and support him- have a key word that you can use if his behaviour is innapropriate so he knows you are reminding him.

It may well be that he simply doesnt 'fit' in and unless hes spent time enjoying being withpeers of similar age he simply wont know how to act around them,it may well be that next month he will fit in it may be that his school days are the very worst he has in his life but armed with coping mechanisms he can and will get through it and so will you.

Original poster
wouldratherbeonthebeach · 22/04/2012 07:24

Thanks all for your support, I hardly slept all night and ds1 was sobbing at 5amSad.
Thanks nicks you have given us a different perspective on how to deal with the situation. He is clearly very embarrassed. Hopefully the girl wont have passed the video on and that can be forgotten about then we need to deal with why he did it and the social issues that he has and the assessment.

I know it sounds terrible but in some ways a diagnosis and subsequent label might be the best way to help him as then he will get the help and support he needs Confused.

OP posts:
Ineedalife · 22/04/2012 09:07

Hi would, i agree with your last post. I think a diagnosis probably would help him.

My Dd1 had to struggle through secondary and into work without one. She is very blunt andd outspoken and has little idea about social rules.

Dd3 has recently been diagnosed with ASD she is very similar, she is now getting lots of support at school and more understanding all around.

I dont think you should cancel the assessment on monday and when you meet with the psychologist i think you should tell him that there has been incidents of inappropriated behaviour but you dont have to tell him/her anything you dont want to.

For more help and support you could join us on the special needs children board. It is a really friendly place with loads of knowledgable folk.

Give you Ds lots of hugs ( if you are allowed to). Good luck and be kind to yourselvesSmile.

pictish · 22/04/2012 09:41

Morning OP - just wanted to wish you luck today in dealing with the girl's mother, and in communicating to your son as well.
With any luck, this will all blow over quietly. x

tethersend · 22/04/2012 11:11

"I know it sounds terrible but in some ways a diagnosis and subsequent label might be the best way to help him as then he will get the help and support he needs"

I could not agree more with this.

Good luck, OP. Let us know how it goes.

Original poster
wouldratherbeonthebeach · 22/04/2012 16:49

Thanks for your messages.
I spoke to the girl's mum this morning and she was OK about it, her daughter had told her last night what had happened. She said the girl had a friend to sleep over and that they both said they wouldn't say anything. I apologised if she thought I'd spoken out of line with he daughter and she was really good about it.
When DS1 got up this morning it transpired he was more upset about the fact that he wasnt allowed his phone than the sitaution :-(
DH spent time explaining to him why we were upset and thinks he understood. He has taken him out and spent time with him this afternoon buying him some sports things he needed/wanted.
I'm calmer than I was but still very upset at the sitaution. I am pleased that this assesment is going ahead this week.
Thanks for the support and I'll let you know how things go

OP posts:
tethersend · 22/04/2012 17:14

You've handled this superbly, well done.

All the best for the assessment.

Ineedalife · 22/04/2012 17:32

Glad you sorted things with the girls mum.

Hope the assessment goes ok Smile.

nickseasterchick · 22/04/2012 22:02

You have handled it great Smile .....good luck with the assesments.

Original poster
wouldratherbeonthebeach · 23/04/2012 07:25

Thanks for the support, I really appreciate it Smile
Will let you know how it goes.......

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