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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

How do you discipline?

18 replies

sweetheart · 10/02/2006 09:35

We had a letter home from school yesterday to say that dd (5.5) has been hitting other children in the playground. This is the 2nd time this term we have been told this has happened and I really thought we had stamped it out the first time.

Dd used to be such a shy child but recently she has become very over confident with friends at school and her play fighting has resulted in this.

She is quite a tom boy and loves to play fight - it's not that she is a nasty child at heart, it's just that she doesn't know where the line is between play fighting and being nasty - I have spoken to her teacher this morning and she agrees this is the case.

I have punished her by taking her fav toys away and stopping her watching the Simpsons (her fav programme) for a week. I've told her if I ever hear of it again her toys will be thrown away. I've agreed with the teacher to report to me after school so dd knows she is being wacthed closly.

I'm hoping all this is enough but I'm worried it's not and I'm not being hard enough on her.

Any thoughts or recommendations??????

OP posts:

Original poster

sweetheart · 10/02/2006 09:48

Am i shunned for having a naughty child!

OP posts:

kittyfish · 10/02/2006 09:54

No, I read it but had no advice. Good luck.

soapbox · 10/02/2006 09:54

Sweetheart - jsut so you are not ignored!!

I'm not sure really what I would do. I think you have to be prepared to follow through any threats that you make and sadly I think that if she does kick that does mean you have to throw all her toys away.

I think I would have thought long and hard about such a rash threat that will be very hard to follow through!

I am quite positive in my parenting approach - so never really like the word discipline (I prefer behaviour management)

Rather than wait to pounce of bad behaviour why don't you reinforce good?

Talk to the teacher and ask her to give DD a sticker at the end of every day where there are no incidents.

Make a sticker chart at home and get DD to take the sticker off her jumper and put it on the chart each day when she gets home. She has to get 5 stickers in a row (i.e. no missing days) and she gets a small treat. IME a material thing is not a good idea for the treat but rather an experiencde type treat works better, so a trip to the park, the swimming pool, cinema (anything really that buys her time with you and attention from you on her own, no siblings - just her)!!

If I am not mistaken you have recently had a baby???? Might that have been the thing that has changed her bahaviour?

Original poster

sweetheart · 10/02/2006 10:04

thanks soapbox.

It's not all her toys - just her favourite toys which are her dolls. She has about 8 and I have taken them all away and if it happens again I am perfectly prepared to throw one of them away. She has a very emotional attachment to each and every doll so even throwing one away would really upset her.

I do like your sticker idea. I thikn I will chat to her teacher and see if it's something we can set up. Unfortunatly it's half term next week so we'll have to delay it.

Your right I have just had a baby. I don't think he has anything to do with the situation though. She has been desperate for a sibling for son long - I lost a baby last year quite far along and the loss really hit her. She loves her little brother to pieces and spends every spare second wtching him, playing with him, changing him etc etc etc

OP posts:

Elibean · 10/02/2006 10:12

I don't think loving your little sibling to bits means you can't also have feelings of insecurity, jealousy, and rage - in fact, its utterly normal to have both! But the 'harder' feelings are less acceptable, so more likely to get buried and re-surface elsewhere. I'd think twice before dismissing any link...maybe try spending some alone-time with dd, giving lots of positive feedback? Help to reassure her that she is still important and loved? (I'm sure you do anyway, but extra never hurts!)

Also, I'm not sure how 'emotionally attached' she is to her dolls, but I'd be a bit careful about throwing away any she is very emotionally attached to...if she is feeling insecure deepdown, that might confirm her worst fears.

Elibean · 10/02/2006 10:14

Also....I wonder if the loss of your baby last year is playing on her mind? Maybe thats what she's feeling insecure about, that if one baby went, maybe her little brother will? Just a thought...and I'm so sorry for your loss, too. Congrats on the new baby!

soapbox · 10/02/2006 10:18

Sweetheart - I think children can often have wibbles when a new babies arrive - no matter how much they love them. Your DD had your attention to herself for so long and someone has come along and usurped her. I imagine that she might be quite confused between her resentment of that on one hand but her clear delight on the other! (Perhaps also a bit of worry that this baby might die too - children can have odd thought associations)!

New babies can be emotionally difficult for hte parents (as much as we love them sometimes it all gets a bit much)! I imagine children are no different.

I think you need to work at giving her every opportunity to be good. I also think that you should make sure that you reserve one outing a week just for you and her - somewhere you can chat and spend nice time together. Would sat morning coffee and shopping be nice for you to do together? Baby can stay at home with Dad!

I try to spend a couple of one on one hours with my DCs each week - not always easy to fit in, but you really do reap the rewards I find!

Good luck!!

juliab · 10/02/2006 10:22

Agree with Elibean. Sounds like your dd is trying so hard to be a 'good' sister - which is really lovely (wish my ds's had done the same!) that maybe she has nowhere she feels she can express her entirely normal feelings of resentment/jealousy but the school playground. Does the teacher know she's got a new brother?

Avalon · 10/02/2006 10:25

Soapbox's sticker idea sounds like the way to go - focusing on the good behaviour.

Please don't throw her toys away - I know this would really, really hurt my 6 yr old. Taking her favourite toys away and stopping her watching her favourite programme is, sorry to say it, ott in my book for a child that age. I think you're being too hard.

I also think it could be dangerous to throw things away that your dd is emotionally attached to - might it not stop her (eventually) attaching to people in case they go away too? Or, at a lower level, it could stop her taking care of her toys as 'they only get thrown away'?

ProfessorG · 10/02/2006 11:32

I don't think it's that harsh Avalon - agree with Soapbox on everything else.

Also, is it realistic for the teacher to give stickers for this behaviour when all the rest of the class won't get one for not hitting anyone? Children are very clued into this. This is something for home imo, ie teacher could just praise good behaviour and stickers could come at home? This would also mean no need to wait.

Original poster

sweetheart · 10/02/2006 11:51

I would agree it was harsh if this was the first time but it's the second time this term and we did warn her she would be in big trouble if it happened again.

I think I will just get the teacher to tell me each day if she has behaved then do the sticker thing at home - I agree that other children would wonder why dd was getting stickers.

i really don't think it's anything to do with the baby and she has been lavished with attention since he was born. We had a short period about a month ago where she felt a bit left out but once she got so much attention from this she relised all she had to do was say something - she really played on it for a while.

OP posts:

Avalon · 10/02/2006 13:00

Reading other threads on MN, I thought most schools gave out stickers? Particularly where behaviour has been a problem.

My dd's infant school gives out stars for things like good work, good reading, good behaviour when sitting on the carpet, being a good listener etc.
When she gets 5 stars, she gets a sticker to bring home.

ProfessorG · 10/02/2006 13:27

Yes I think that is common - but they don't give a sticker to every child who has not hit another one...

Avalon · 10/02/2006 13:45

Say Child A struggles with reading and Child B struggles with behaviour.
Then it is right that Child A gets a sticker for working hard at her reading and Child B gets a sticker for working hard at controlling her behaviour.

Cristina7 · 10/02/2006 13:50

I have thrown away DS's toys too. If he doesn't tidy them up it means he doesn't care for them, so they go. We took three items to a hospital on Tuesday. It's the hospital he attends for ENT, so he'll see them there in the waiting room. A couple of others have gone to Oxfam. It's a last measure resort, which is why only a few have been thrown away so far. We've also banned PlayStation for a month.

Sweetheart - I too would agree with others that the new baby might be having an impact on your DD's behaviour. Our DS is 6 and his behaviour has worsened since we've had DD (now 11 months). He loves her a lot and they play beautifully together but there are certain things I can track down to the change in having her around. (We also lost a baby when DS was 4. He wasn't affected that much at the time but has since been talking about Louis.)

A book I'm finding useful is "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" by A Faber and E Mazlish. One of the ideas there is to accept any feelings the child has (even negative ones, e.g. of hate or anger) but not the negative behaviour to go with it, e.g. you can be angry about something but it's not OK to hit out because of that.

Passionflower · 10/02/2006 14:22

DD1's class have a lovely big chart with a flower and butterflies on it. They have a photo of each girl's face with velcro on the back (it's a all girls school) when someone has done something caring or helpful (or just been very good) they get their face on a butterfly. It works really well - they are all desperate to 'be' butterflies.

Elibean · 10/02/2006 15:08

Sweetheart, I don't think ambivalent feelings about a new baby arriving are necessarily to do with feeling left out, or not getting enough attention. It sounds like your DD is getting lots of it, and all kudos to you for that. BUT its still a big change, and I think it would be pretty unusual for her NOT to have some anger about it! I totally agree with reassuring her that feeling angry and even hostile is perfectly ok, whilst totally underlining that hitting is NOT ok. Maybe ask her what else she could do, when she feels that way, other than hit? See if she can come up with something, and maybe add suggestions afterwards? It does sound as though you're doing all you can attention-wise, so just helping her deal with her feelings regardless of their 'cause' might be a way forward...

ProfessorG · 10/02/2006 16:10

Butterflies sound lovely Passionflower. My boys' nursery used to have a tree, similar idea, they got to go on a leaf. Very hard to get a leaf so a source of real pride when they did (there were other rewards too, this wasn't the only one).

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