DS (3) zones out /shuts down in social situations he doesn't like

[hackneyzoo]

I have three dc, DD1(5) DS (3) and DD2 (1).
DS has always been quite clingy and sensitive, but his development is normal, he speaks well and has achieved all the milestones he is meant to.
He can be very socialble, when he is with children and adults he knows. He plays well with his sisters and generally seems happy and has a great sense of humour.
Since he was six months old he has been in and out of hospital with a benign tumour, it is in his neck and effects the nerves in his left arm, causing him pins and needles type discomfort. He sees an oncologist every three months and has had a number of biopsies and MRIs under GA. He copes well with this and doesn't become anxious or unduly upset. He had one last week and he was fine.
He also seems to get recurrent ear infections over the winter months. His ear oozes and he gets very distressed and his ear is painful. I go to the GP each time, and am finally getting him referred to an ENT specialist.
Recently I have noticed him 'shutting down' in situations where he feels uncomfortable. It was very noisy when I dropped him at nursery the other day, he just went and sat in the sofa and zoned out, sitting quietly, staring down at the ground. He was crying on and off, the staff rang me to come and get him after half an hour as he wouldn't snap out of it, he was fine once we got in the car.
At my daughter's birthday party (there were 5 other children, so not huge) he spent the whole time upstairs and wouldn't join in. The minute they left he came down again.
A friend popped round the other day, I ran to the local shop while she watched the children, they know her well and are very comfortable with her, but DS went and sat in his pop up tent and stared at the ground.
Has anyone got any experience of this? I don't know whether he is doing this to see if he can get his own way, eg. not go to nursery, get attention at the party. Sulking?
Or whether he is becoming anxious of social situation.
Or whether this is related to his ears, he has recently had an infection where his drum burst and is now healing, I am wondering if his ears were blocked before and now his hearing is suddenly clearer and loud noises are making him uncomfortable. He often says 'There's too much noise' or 'Things are too loud' 'The noise is hurting my ears'.
Any ideas would be much appreciated.

Could well be ears. Ds was similar with ears (he got 2nd set of grommets at 3yo) and the doctor said that loud noises can be physically painful for him, and social behaviour is effected by not being able to hear.

He's in reception now and the teachers will sometimes tell me they think he might have an ear infection from watching his behaviour. They've always been right.

Thanks DeWe, he does seem to find sound physically painful about a week after an ear infection, it makes him very withdrawn and quiet. Good to know your DS's teachers are on the ball too, that's really reassuring.

It sounds like he is very auditory sensitive which given his history of ear problems is not suprising. How do you help him manage it? Why not try and encourage the nursery to set up a little quiet space or if they have a sensory room/corner this is ideal. Somewhere calming and soothing that can help lower his anxiety levels. I'd avoid parties for him until he's comfortable. No point stressing him out. Poor little chap, hope he's better soon.

Thanks Pixie and Greener. I've been having a calm few weeks with him, just because he's been unwell, so have kept him in calm and quiet environments. I am coming to the conclusion that it is all connected to his ears, he's had a few infection free months since Jan (until now) and has been fine at parties, nursery and soft play, but this recent infection has knocked him for six.
I just hate seeing him so out of sorts, he is really not himself, and this last ear infection is definitely the worst he has had for about a year. I just hope he gets a swift ENT referral.
I have spoken to the nursery and they were great with him last Friday, so I will work with them to make sure he's ok there when he goes this week. I will ask about a sensory/quiet room, as I think that will really help him stay calm and relax. He's quite a quiet chap anyway (compared to his sisters!) and I thinkhe's finding this sensitivity to sound very difficult to deal with.
Pixie, I am not sure how to help him manage it, other than to keep him in quiet, calm environments and make sure his nursery are dealing with his needs when he is there. This has only really built up over the last few weeks, he's had ear problems for a while, but hasn't complained of noises 'hurting my ears' before. I am just trying to reassure him, he's on antibiotics and has a spray for his ear, which seems to help. I am seeing the GP again on Tuesday as I'm worried about how this is affecting him.

Yep, I'd say it's an ear thing too. Sounds like my DS before he had his grommets aged 3.

My DS was a bit like this before he had his grommets too (at 6).

When he was tested the doctor told us that he actually had quite a high percentage of hearing loss (caused by the glue) and pressure on his ear drum.

Since having grommets he's a changed child. He's 8 now and can shout away with the best of them (I could do without the fake explosion noises tbh).