3yo DS1 turned from Angel to Bully since DS2 started crawling. Help!

[AussieSim]

I need some advice on how to get my angelic DS1 back. I was ambushed by his carer yesterday when I went to pick him up from childcare centre (am in Oz so we call things a bit differently). They told me he had been pushing, snatching, throwing things at other kids etc. This is all highly out of character. Since DS2 started becoming mobile a couple of months ago he has had a bit more 'attitude' and I have given him a couple of time outs for being a bit rough with DS2. These were his first time outs ever as he has always been a very placid kid. I feel a bit under informed in how to talk to him about his behaviour and I also don't want to over react and make too much of it - which is what I think they are doing to him at childcare. Thanks in advance.

Hi AussieSim. I've got two ds's too. DS1 also took a turn for the worse when ds2 was walking. I guessed then that it was because he felt left out of it as ds2 was getting all the hugs, kisses and attention for doing something so clever. So from what you say he's doing at childcare he's craving attention and getting it from the way they're reacting to him. Is he old enough to tell you how he feels??? Always a difficult on I know, but could be worth a try. Time outs a great and give the child time to reflect on what they've done. When things are really bad here I take off a favourite toy and inform them why and then tell them they'll get it back in a certain number of days depending on the severity of the crime . Basically love and hugs wins through and failing that ignoring them is great. My two hate it. Hope this helps a bit

I had exactly the same problem with my DDs. As soon as DD2 started to crawl, DD1 started to misbehave, wanting constant attention, cuddles etc. It was a very hard period to get through and by the end of the day I was physically and emotionally exhausted. The only thing I could do was to give the attention when I could, get DD1 involved in day to day activities etc. and when DD2 went to bed (30 mins earlier), have special time with DD1. It does pass but patience was the key in my particular case.

My DS1 definitely felt a bit insecure and unsure of his place in the family when DS2 became mobile. And again when he started walking, an feeding himself, and every time he reached a milestone really. I think it is because when the new baby was born, and we knew he was going to feel displaced, we gave him the role of "big boy" and "big brother" to give him his own role in the family and his own sense of pride and importance, so that he wouldn't grieve too much for his position as baby of the family, IYSWIM. So every time his little brother does something tht shows he is getting bigger and more capable, DS1 panics a bit. They all show it in different ways, but attacking the littler one is quite common.

I've tried to alleviate the problem with my 3yo DS1 by giving him little responsibilities, such as taking things to the bin/sink/bedroom for me, praising him a lot, and trying to make time while DS2 has his morning nap for DS1 to do something like a musical or craft activity that is "just for big boys". I think it helps.

It is really stressful. I hope you'll get lots of good advice on here

I have a daughter aged 3 years, she has been going to pre-school for about six months now. She always seems to enjoy it, but recently I have been told, that she has been scratching other children. She is normally a very good natured child, and her development has been normal. I have tried explaining to her that is not nice to hurt other children, but I don't think she really understands. The staff seem to be okay about it, but I don't want her growing up to be bully. She is the youngest of 4, and she doesn't always get on with her older sister who is 9. Any advice would be most helpful.

I've had this too, Aussiesim. Took me completely by surprise as i'd figured if he'd get that it would be when she was first born, not 10 months after! I kinda got the feeling that DS (3.5.0 was totally ok when DD was non mobile, but as soon as she started moving, and more importantly being able to reach his stuff, he started to become more jealous. She's been on the move for a few months now and it's much better already.

I think like others have said, giving them plenty of attention and "big boy" tasks definatly helps!

Thanks everyone for your responses. It certainly makes me feel better to know that I am not alone. I will take on board the suggestions for trying to make DS1 not feel so threatened, but I was just wondering whether you think that 3 is too young to actually talk to him about DS2 and how he is feeling, or if it would just confuse him?

The trouble with DS2 now is that he has progressed really rapidly to crawling, sitting up and pulling up and that he bumps his head or topples over onto toys or whatever and so I have to watch him all the time. Maybe I should get a playpen, but I worry that he will then just scream his head off in frustration at being confined.

I also feel bad giving time outs to DS1 when I understand why he is being naughty, but I guess there is no way around it, especially as it is a matter of safety as well.

I am also a bit upset with the childcare workers for being so excited about DS1's change in behaviour and not being more constructive when they spoke to me about it.