6 weeks old and daddy wont help

[soniabailey]

My son is almost 6 weeks old. He feeds hourly through the day and two to three hourly through the night. I have him trained not to cry much so he doesn't wake my husband at night.
However my husband doesn't think that having a set bathtime in the evening with the lights down low, the tv off and soft music playing will help my son to sleep better.
My husbands not a complete jackass but his unwillingness to follow my instruction is becoming tiring and frustrating. I think my son is doing wonderfully to even HAVE a routine at this age (I have a friend with a three week ol who sleeps 8 hours at night). I think my husband expects me to have it "all under control".
I thought I already did!

your husband expects far too much from a six week old. sorry

Sorry I meant 'trained him'

At six weeks your baby simply hasn't forged the right links in the brain to be "trained" to do anything.

Obviously not having a brain flooded by cortisol is good - so your light dimmed etc. idea for bath time will assist sleep.

However I think this idea that dh sleeps while you go out of your way not to disturb him is flawed. If he insists on bathing the baby in a bright room with the TV news on, then you should insist that he gets up in the night. Or he does it your way and you get up - he chooses.

To be totally honest.... I think you are creating a rod for your own back by trying to keep everything undercontrol so the adult boy in the house is the one who can sleep properly.

Get him to participate more, babies are not femenine accessories belonging solely to their mothers, if he doesn't get the chance of experiencing the consequences of winding up a baby before sleep time, how do you expect him to understand why he has to follow your instructions?

The more involved he gets at the beginning the more help you will get from him in the future. I come from a culture where men sit to be waited on by their wives, and it always starts like that, women willingly protecting their husbands from the chores of everyday life that later bacome some sort of cleaning, feeding and organisational robot who also have to be well groomed and welcoming. And the moment you are not.... you are dealt with as if you were a bad wife! (Well, after all this babble you can imagine why I was never considered to be a good prospective wife and mother in my own country )
And with regards to your friend's baby who was able to sleep 8 hours in a row at 3 weeks... I'm not quite sure but as far as I know you can't expect a baby to sleep that long until he is 4-5 months old, obviously there are a few healthy exceptions but a baby who sleep that long at that age may be having a problem (the only cases I have seen so far, the babies were getting dehydrated or experiencing another health problem )

but what does your husband actually think you (as a family) should do at night? have you ever asked him or let him control the night-time 'routine'?

only concerned in that some mothers (not saying you) think that they know best and 'instruct' (your word) their DH on what to do, thus rendering them impotent, frustrated and less likely to help out

I personally think he could be a little young for a set routine .. and it won't matter if you say right this week you take over bath and bedtime .. and then stay well out of it (apart from feeds if bf of course) .. it will allow daddy to bond better with his baby having a routine responsibility and may allow you an evening rest

6 weekls is to young to have a set routine. But you don't need to go out of your way to have a very quiet house. Babies will learn to sleep better in a normal enviroment. Ask you husband to help settle your baby.

SB

It doesn't matter if he wakes your husband at night. If your husband cannot cope with the crying of a baby, he should have worn a condom. He wakes you at night, doesn't he?

Stop trying to sheild your husband from the consequences of what he does. If he wants to have the TV on loud while the baby is having a bath, you should be making no effort whatsoever to ensure the baby is quiet. If you always stop the baby waking him, of course he thinks it makes no difference what you do. It doesn't, to him - he gets a full night's sleep regardless!

FWIW, you can't train a 6 week old, just learn yourself when to respond. And no 3 week old should be sleeping 8 hours at night, it is very unusual.

My 3 week old sometimes slept for 8 hours at night and it was a very bad thing. I wish I had known that it was bad at the time and I would have woken her. The trouble is that you know no differenet. I don't know why she did it, but she became quite thin so I really want to squash any idea that it is something to aim for at such an early stage.

there is nothing wrong with trying to get into a routine we did it from day one and she slept for 6 hours by 6 weeks i have always stuck to mealtimes and bedtime routine and 2 years on she knows when its bedtime and asks to go to bed before 7pm! its great!! and she never gets up before 8am! she sometimes wakes up in night but settles back within a minute and i get a lie in every day!

Why do YOU need to tiptoe around your H and make sure baby doesn't wake him? We're talking about a baby here, fgs! If he didn't want to be wakened by his own baby crying, he should have thought about that 10 months ago! He needs to grow some hair.

I think you are doing brilliantly. He can't reasonably expect to never be woken by a baby! I think Twig made a useful point though - do you think he might be looking for some input, albeit in a cackhanded way? Some friends of ours have a six week old and the dad is a lovely man but is going through the "feeling pushed out" stuff. Having a baby is a huge, huge thing and there is bound to be some readjusting in your relationship.

But hey, if none of that applies, then yes, he is being v unreasonable!!

My dh was the same untill the baby was 2 then he started to do more and totally change, well it seemed like a total change but I still do the donkey work he plays with ds and buys him toys and does fun stuff with him, but the first year was a living hell and I did it all myself. I understand how you feel. My dh always loved ds though underneath it all

My Dh works away but was luck enough to have four weeks at home when our dd was born (now 7 weeks) We shared the night feeds and some of the tasks but i did more than he did as I did most of the household chores as well. I never old DH what to do with her as he is a complete baby novice and i feel i would have undermined his confidence.

I figured he was not going to hurt her so if we had the odd occaision where mismatched clothes, no talc after the bath and a baby who had her hair brushed to perfection 5 minutes before bedtime were irrelevant.

Your DH should do the whole bedtime routine including feeding etc as you have found something that works for you with trial and error he will find things that work for him.

I think 'Daddy time' is important to mens self confidence but only if you let them get on with it.

saying that I am quite lucky dh is desperate to be involved and hates working away he has been away for 3 weeks and is back next week, I'm looking forward to a rest when he gets here!

Thanks for your input everyone!
Firstly, when I used the term "trained", I didn't mean forever! I believe that children of all ages need a routine, one that although is adhered to as closely as possible, needs to be flexible too.

I think that the problem with my hubby is his lack of knowledge and confidence. Babies know when the person holding them is uncomfortable. I am cautious of leaving my son in my husbands care because he keeps sleeping him on his stomach. Also, my husband asks me how to do certain things, then is upset because he doesn't know how to do it.

But we all learned from someone sharing with us, didn't we?