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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

If your child was invited to a swimming party but can not swim...

24 replies

Marne · 19/04/2012 17:55

Dd1 has Aspergers and hypermobility, she's 8, she rarely gets party invites but today came home from school with her first party invite, she was so excited but then read it out and its for a swimming and kiaking (sp) party. Dd1 cant swim and hates getting her face wet. She really wants to go but i know she will get upset as all her friends (which are all boys) can swim, she wont be able to join in and will get upset if splashed.

So do i let her go and get upset when she cant join in?

Or do i not send her and then she will be upset also?

I'm going to take her swimming this weekend if i can so i can try and build her confidence up a little.

OP posts:

bigTillyMint · 19/04/2012 18:00

DD had a swimming party when she was probably about 8. One of DD's friends came to it and spent the entire party holding the rail next to the steps, and I stood next to her and chatted. She seemed OK and obvs was fine with the party food after

If you decide to let her go, you must warn the parents that one of them will have to stand with her, or go with her yourself.

oreocrumbs · 19/04/2012 18:00

Can you take her swimming and then make the decision?

If you think the water will really upset her, could you speak to the mother and ask what the party set up will be - some parties are just swimming but some are maybe 40 mins in the pool then half an hour for food etc in a room upstairs. If that is the case you can explain to the mother and I'm sure she wouldn't mind your DD only coming to that bit.

Trifle · 19/04/2012 18:01

You cannot expect the parents to be her personal life guard. If she goes you will have to be there to supervise and possibly remove her if it gets too much.

festi · 19/04/2012 18:06

are you sure she is the only one at 8 yrs who cant swim, I would imagine there are others who are also less confident in the pool. I would also imagine it would be in the shallow end of the pool. Also parents may be happy for you to get in,swimming parties in our pool require x no of adults in the pool, so dd may not stand out if you happen to be in pool as other adults may also be in pool. Maybe contact the host and ask about that. I would not exclude her 8 is still pretty young and I dont expect that other children would feel it odd if your dd is a non swimmer.

ragged · 19/04/2012 18:08

I think she'd be ok just to sit at the side, splash water a bit with her legs & chat. Tolerate a bit of water on face if it comes to that. It's as much as most the teenagers do, after all. The eating part of the party is away from the pool, anyway.

LeeCoakley · 19/04/2012 18:13

For her own safety you have to go with her. You absolutely can't rely on the hosts looking after her, they will be busy doing other things. DH always went in with dd3 up to about 9 I think, until she was confident in the water. Please let the hosts know. And she will have a great time!

5madthings · 19/04/2012 18:17

i would go but would be on hand to help her out, you may find that with a group of her friends she relaxes and enjoys the water a bit more?

you are right to take her swimming beforehand to get her used to the water, and as ragged said she may just be ok to sit on the side etc.

speak to the parents who have organised the party, find out where, what the facilities are, how deep the water is etc.

Oblomov · 19/04/2012 18:19

DS1(8), AS, is going to a swimming party this week. Mum text me, and all others to ask if ds could swim. she said that people text back to say: yes, no and a bit. any parent with any common sense would know that 8 yr olds , some can swim very well, and some are very weak. I would let the parent know. let her go. go and watch if you want.
Glad she got an invite

thisisyesterday · 19/04/2012 18:41

can you go with her? that seems the obvious solution to me?

Original poster

Marne · 19/04/2012 19:17

I will be staying with her (but not getting in the pool, theres no way i want people seeing me in my swimming costume) . She should be safe as its ver unlikely she will move from the side, she can swim with arm bands and a float but panics if she cant touch the bottom. I'm going to try and take her to the same pool so she knows where the shallow end is and will see how she gets on. She was swimming last summer with just a float but she was very nervous and because she hasn't been swimming for ages she will probably be extra nervous (so if i take her a few times before the party it will help).

OP posts:

lingle · 20/04/2012 09:54

Hi Marne!

So if the party is 90 minutes, why not make up some other obligation that means you can only get there 30 or 45 minutes late (find out how long they are scheduled to stay in the pool). Then she can miss out the swimming but be the first child sitting at the party table. I remember both my boys getting very stressed when they arrived late to parties - hence the being first at the table idea.

good luck!

savoycabbage · 20/04/2012 10:05

I would phone the venue and ask what happens at swimming parties and how deep the water is.

I have had one and it was run by the staff at the leisure centre. There were races and games. The water was shallow enough for them to stand up in. There was a lot of splashing though.

BertieBotts · 20/04/2012 10:12

I remember when I was younger I was never able to go to swimming parties because they would put a big blow-up thing in the large pool, and it was stated that all guests had to be competent swimmers - I wasn't. :( Ended up teaching myself to swim when I was 18!

It's a good idea to ask at the swimming pool what kind of party it will be.

Chopstheduck · 20/04/2012 10:21

I'd let her go. Take an extra towel for the side of the pool so she can wipe her face if she does get splashed. And would goggles help, or is it water at all in her face she doesn't like?

If they are doing kayaking I should imagine there must be staff on hand, and surely someone could assist her to do that without getting splashed.

Might be worth giving the leisure centre a call.

SkinnyVanillaLatte · 20/04/2012 10:29

I would call the pool as some don't allow non swimmers if inflatables are involved.

There may be different aspects to the party though,some of which your DD may be comfortable with,some not.

I would definitely go swimming with her beforehand and try to work out where her comfort limits lie,and perhaps discuss this with the host to see if anything can be done to make it more interesting for her to have at least part involvement - perhaps a poolside activity going on too.

Take a wrap or something so she can sit on poolside if she becomes uncomfortable in the water,and still be part of things without being cold.

I think you must go with her to supervise,in all honesty, from a safety perspective.I have lifeguarded pool parties and they can get quite exciteable - there's a hell of a lot to watch.

jicky · 20/04/2012 10:30

My ds had a swimming party. The pool we used ran a swimming test or you could opt out and have arm bands from the start and / or bring a parent.

One boy came in arm bands and a couple of others bought dad along and one only swam for a bit, got splashed and then sat on the side.

None of the other children made any comment on what the others were doing as they were all having too much fun themselves (although the dads were popular with all the kids by doing throwing kids around, so maybe the kids who bought dads were seen as the luckiest, rather than unable to swim?)

Hope she has a great time, remember in a pool party there will likely be less people than a regular swimming session so that may make it easier for your dd.

SkinnyVanillaLatte · 20/04/2012 10:39

Marne,if you do take her swimming don't make her do anything she doesn't want to.

Don't make her get her face wet or splash her purposefully.Let her go at her own pace and really try to make it fun and non threatening. If you can swim,let her see you put your face in and describe to her what you can see.

Building her confidence seems very important. If she does seem game,see if she'll blow some bubbles in the water,or help her lie on her back (with support) in a star float so she can see how relaxing it can be.

Take or borrow floats and/or a noodle,if you can.

Original poster

Marne · 20/04/2012 13:01

Thank you, she still wants to go so i will talk to the parent of the birthday boy. She will be happy just sttod near the side doing her own thing as long as no one tries to force her to do something she's scared of.

I'm going to take her to a quiet pool on sunday and see if her sisters floaty vest will fit her (if not then arm bands), she also has a noodle which she likes.

I don't know why she's so useless in the water , she's not great at any sport due to low muscle tone and hypermobility and hates even having her hair washed. I am a great wsimmer (was lucky to grow up with a swimming pool in our garden so i sent more time in water than out), i have taken dd1 swimming before but she often ends up sat on the step watching me swim.

We will give it a go on sunday and see how we get on, she may suprise me and be ok .

OP posts:

SkinnyVanillaLatte · 20/04/2012 13:04

Good luck Marne and softly softly.

Chopstheduck · 20/04/2012 13:06

marne, does she have sensory issues? It sounds like she needs to feel grounded. DS1 can be like that, needs to lean against something, i think it is a mixture of his hypermobility and sensory issues.

He can't swim neither, just doesn't have the strength or co-rdination (low muscle tone, developmental co-ordination disorder) but he enjoys going for a splash, just needs to be near an edge.

ReallyTired · 20/04/2012 13:11

can you not get her Konfidence youth swim jacket.

www.kids-kaper.co.uk/system/index.html

If she can't swim then I think you need to talk to the parents about the possiblity of you going with her to supervise. It would be a real pity for her lose out on a party.

Original poster

Marne · 20/04/2012 13:32

Deffently sensory stuff going on (she likes to have her feet on the ground), we have had problems with bike riding too (as she wont take her feet of the ground and cant pedal).

OP posts:

Chopstheduck · 20/04/2012 13:54

aww, hopefully she will get there eventually. ds had a mission trike at first to master the pedalling, and then a bike that was far too small so that he felt more secure, and now he can actually ride a bike.

I'm sure we've compared kids before! my ds1 and your dd have quite similar issues, irrc.

Original poster

Marne · 20/04/2012 14:02

They sound very similar , dd1 has tried out a trike but we couldn't get OT to agree that she needed one (so could not get funding), have noticed there are some trikes on e-bay so may get her one for christmas (she can share it with dd2). Im sure she will get there in the end (just seems to take forever for her to master these things).

OP posts:

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