Separation anxiety, tantrums or something else?

[parched]

DS is 27 months. Just recently he's started having random crying fits and I can't work out if they're linked to some kind of anxiety (and should therefore comfort him) or are tantrums (and should therefore ignore them). The behaviour he displays starts off as a whine, and unless he gets and appropriate response, quickly develops into a normal cry, then progresses into a wail and sobbing to the point that he is gasping between cries "Mummy, want mummy". He seems genuinely upset, but the crying often stops abruptly which makes me think perhaps they are some kind of tantrum. I'm worried that if I don't deal with it the right way, it will either feed the behaviour (if it's a tantrum) or give him some real issues (if it's anxiety).

I've put some examples below, hoping that someone might recognise this and be able to help. I should say that apart from these episodes, he is a happy, cheerful, verbal, sociable little boy, who has regular contact with friends and family and has been going to nursery for 18 months.

1. DH and DS came to pick me up from hospital. While there, I'd bumped into my brother, A, and offered him a lift home. I got into the passenger seat and A climbed into the back next to DS. DS started crying, quickly developed into wailing "Mummy, want mummy", even though I was in the car too, and screamed for the entire journey home (10 mins). When A got out the car, the crying abruptly stopped and DS said "A, go see H" (A's DS) like nothing had happened.

1. DS wants to play in garden, so I let him go out. He comes back "Mummy, play in garden too". I explained I was cooking dinner and couldn't play. Whining starts. DH offers to take DS out for a walk. "Mummy go out too". Again, explain I'm cooking dinner and can't go out. Crying starts. DH tries distraction by offering to see ducks while on walk. "Mummy come", wailing starts, clings onto me for dear life. Again, crying abruptly stops when they get to the top of the road.

1. At nursery, some children and staff from another room come into his room to have a singsong and the crying/wailing starts. They got on with singing songs and this time it gradually subsided and he wheedled his way over onto someone's lap.

If anyone's got any bright ideas about what's causing this, please share as it's starting to wear me down.

Sounds like normal toddler behaviour to me. My DS is prone to this sort of thing when he's tired or hungry. I think it's just that they get a notion in their head and then get worked up about it, but when they're distracted they forget. With my DS I just check that he's not genuinely upset (I can tell a real cry from a whingy one) and reassure him quickly with a hug, offer a drink or something to eat in case that's what's bothering him, and then carry on. If I don't feed into it it passes quickly.

It is very annoying but try to change to your perspective on it. He can't control everything, which is a hard lesson for him to learn but he needs to learn it. He may cry but really he's not that upset and as long as he knows you're there and will help if he really needs it then he'll be fine.

Very normal. He's starting to flex his will and starting to recognize and predict what normally happens and then reacting when something a bit different happens. He's worked out he wants Mummy and wants her when HE wants her!!! .

At this age (2-3) quite a lot of toddlers like routine and predictable situations. New things throw them and they may cry/overreact at what adults see as completley normal behaviour- eg your brother sitting next to him in car.

This behaviour is always loads worse when they are tired and/or hungry.

Do you work in a hospital? Why were you being kicked up? I only ask because I wondered if you'd been away/ill/gone back to work.

Ds is exactly like this with me and it's worse when he's tired/hungry. The reason is because dd arrived 4.5 months score so I'm not able to look after him as much and it upsets him. He's much better now than he was a couple of months ago - partly because I'm not feeding so much and partly because he's used to it and DH has taken over a lot.

Kicked?! Picked!

Thanks everyone. His key worker at nursery says it's all perfectly normal, and I kind of know it is, but it's soooo frustrating! Iggly - I've broken my foot and has been in A&E for a couple of hours. Incidentally, my brother took us to nursery today and DS was absolutely fine with him. Still had histrionics when we got to the door though! Perhaps I'll give him a banana before going to nursery so he's not so hungry when we get there.