I'm really struggling to cope with a terrible 2.

[wellsie]

Please help, offer advice, reassurance, etc because I'm at my wits end.
DS is 2yrs 1mth and has become a horror over the last 2 months and this week seems to be the worst so far.
We have at least 2 tantrums before 9am every morning usually over breakfast and then about getting dressed.
The car seat is a battle of wills and the buggy is the same. If I let him walk he'll walk for a bit and then lie on the floor (today he did it on a busy road!)
If I suggest doing an activity like playing in the garden it's "yes, no, yes, not - whaaaa, whaaa" and then trying to get shoes and coats on is stressful.
Yesterday I smacked him and I'm still crying about it but today I found myself on the verge of smacking him again, I feel I'm losing control and if I don't walk away from him I'm going to do something I regret.
I'm constantly in tears and he has seen me crying I know this is not good for a child but I can't cope at the moment.
I've tried calling my HV but no response as yet, even my mum and dad think that his behaviour is over the top.
What can I do and what am I doing wrong?
Please respond.

Have you tried time out? DD is 2 and we have just started doing this, seems to be helping. DD has always been a pain in the pushchair the only way i can shut her up is with food which is'nt realy the answer. I dont think you are doing anything wrong, i think he is just testing you.

Poor U Wellsie. I can sympathise. My DS1 was an awful toddler. Started at about 11 months and by 18 months was having 8-10 tantrums a day, lasting between 10 and 20 mins each. He used to head butt the floor, walls, me! bite, scream, kick. He did grow out of it by the time he was 2 1/2 but I look back on those years with complete . He is a lovely chap now (he's 9) really laid back and gentle!! Would not think it is the same child!

All I can say is try and head off tantrums if you see them coming. Ignore completely when he is having one. NEVER give in to a tantrum - you will only feed the next one. Make sure he doesn't get too hungry or tired. It is really hard and it is exhausting. I do feel for you. I used to sit and sob on the living room floor

I just can't stop crying about it all at the moment and I feel that no one can help. DH has suggested that he take DS away for a weekend to the grandparents but that's not going to make the tantrums stop and to be honest any upset in his routine we seem to pay for for about a week so it's not worth it.
He's currently downstairs watching a video because he didn't want to do anything else, I don't like him watching the tv and I have set times for him to do this but today I have given in to the screams because I feel exhausted. I know this is wrong to have given in but what else can I do. It's a lovely sunny day but the thought of battling to get coat and boots on to play in the garden feels me with dread.

I really do feel for you. He is seeing where his boundaries are. He may also be feeling like he has no control over his world. Have you tried giving small choices. For example. "We are going to go in the garden. Would you like to put on your wellies or your shoes?" If he still kicks off then say "If you can not choose then mummy will have to choose" May work, may not! Worth a go. For some it helps - makes them feel like they have a say, but for others choices can make them feel a bit scared. Try it and see how he responds. But if you keep firm and always follow through what you say it will pay off eventually. All the leg work you put in now will help later on.

I'm sure he feels your stress. Can you not try and go with the flow a bit? I tend to let ds do what he wants up to a certain point. Sometimes its just not worth the battle. At the end of the day - if it does them no harm then go with it.
I would get my hat and coat on and go into the garden and potter about with pots etc and sure as guns - I'm sure your ds will follow you out!
Just be calm if he wants to come out and not put hat and coat on. Say firmly - stay in till your coat is on. They will howl - but if they want to come out then they have to have coat on.
It takes me ages to get ds dressed in the mornings - cos he wriggles and screams during it - but I tend to walk away and make breakfast or something and ignore him till he calms down. He then tries to be all cute and cuddly when I'm in a huff with him.

I went through a bit of a hellish time with dd1 when she turned 2. She used to have the most terrible tantrums that have been known to reduce me to tears. It was everything: getting dressed, not wanting to sit in pushchair, car seat, having her hair brushed absolutely everything used to result in a tantrum. I don't think I did a very great job of handling them so have no great advice but my dd is now 2yrs 8mths and her behaviour has improved no end. She starts with a tantrum and then stops saying 'i'm happy now!' and that's that. It just sort of stopped overnight. Just wanted to let you know that there is light at then end of the tunnel and it will get better and it really isn't anything you're doing wrong that's causing it!

good luckxx

I do sympathise. My ds is 3 but still has the occasional humdinger of a tantrum - nothing like what you're having to cope with though.

I think at this age they are getting strong ideas about what they want to do - they want to exert their will. There is NO point in a battle of wills with a toddler in my view. I don't mean you give in, I just mean you need a routine in your head that you go through, then once you've tried everything, child gets a consequence.

for example, if child is refusing to stop bashing something they shouldn't be (or whatever) I would get down to his level, and in a low but firm voice tell him to stop doing whatever he is doing. I personally always explained why to my son in a very short concise way. I would at this stage bust a gut to distract him with something else I know he likes. if that didn't work, I would warn him that if he carried on he would have time out in his room on his own. If no change I would immediately carry him to his room and shut the door, (they say it's a minute for each year of age)He hated this and really screamed the place down: BUT it was the only way I found to defuse the tantrum because if I was in the room with him it just seemed to feed the anger because he focussed it on me.

He now listens when I threaten him with time out in his room andi very rarely have to do it.

I think this system is so good because as soon as you have it clear in your mind that you have a 'system' some of the stress goes. And at least with time out you are physically separated from eachother, so no risk of smacking him. This has to be better for you both!

With getting dressed etc or refusal to go out I always found that tickly games or competitions to get there first really lightened things up and worked - because I think they distract the toddlers mind from the fact that they are being 'made' to do something.

As others have said this is a phase and will pass, just have a system in mind and you should stop feeling so out of control - after all as we find when we become parents you can't control THEIR response but you can control what happens because of it. And definitely don't make everything a chore or instruction - try to keep things light and jokey when you can. HTH.

Hi wellsie, my sympathies - 2 is a really tough time, for little ones and their mummies. All the posters have given you excellent advice. I just wanted to say that your ds is at the age when he is just a maelstrom of emotion - some children are more laid back. But others, like my dd, are more intense and feel things more strongly and is persistent to boot. I wouldn't agree with your mum and dad that your ds' behaviour is over the top. It is absolutely normal, frustrating as it is. But it IS a phase, and both of you will get to the other side of it. From your ds' point of view, he is trying to be independent but still very dependent on you. He is just acquiring language but can't make himself properly understood yet. His reasoning powers haven't quite kicked in yet and so he can't see your point of view. And he is feeling out of control and overreacts to every simple request. All a very potent mix and it comes out as defiance and tantrums.

He will in time learn to manage his emotions. As JustBonnie says, one day, he will just put all this behind him. But he has got a little way to go yet. Your little man also needs a hug and understanding. So put him down/walk away when you feel overwhelmed but I do think it is equally important that when things are calmer to give him cuddles. He still needs you to love him unconditionally

Do you have a book? I found "toddler taming" both helpful and reassuring

You are not doing anything wrong, it's a stage that most kids go through (and if they avoid the terrible twos you'll get the terrible threes instead in my experience!). My only advice is choose your battles - some things are just not getting into a fight about. On the things that matter you just have to stand firm and he'll eventually get the idea that no matter how much he screams etc. it won't change things. Two years olds have very little control over their lives so try and take control over the small things they can - wearing coats, going in the buggy etc. Exhausting, but it does pass

my 3 year old was a little monkey from about 18 months. Bags of personality - but the will to go with it too!

Firstly, dont beat yourself up about smacking him. Move on from it and think that you did it, he wont remember it and that it is a sign that you need to sort some form of structured discipline out. it happens to us all honestly.

I will tell you what worked worked with ds.
He has a chart. There are sections for each task I want him to complete on it. When he completes a task he get a sticker on the chart. If he completes at least 4 of the 5 categories in a day he gets a treat out of his 'treat bag'. (these are small things ie. a sweet, a book)

The five categories that he has this month (which are things I have trouble with) 'clean teeth', 'tidy toys', 'eat dinner', 'take medicine' (EyeQ) and 'try a new food'. The categories could be anything you have problems with (sharing, putting on coat, being nice).

It has reallly worked for my house hold. I know it sounds simple but it has transformed ds. At first he fought against it - but the first time he got 4 stickers and won a treat it really spurned him on. Now he only gets a treat with 4 stickers.
The other thing we do - for naughty behaviour he gets one warning - if he carries on then he gets timeout on the bottom step. When we first started this he was on their a lot! The important thing is to keep calm and not loose your rag. If he gets off - keep returning him. Be consistant.

Try and ignore most of the tantrums. Keep it lighthearted. If he learns that they dont get you reacting he will grow out of them quick. Ds still has tantrums - but I have learnt that the more I feed into them the louder they get! So I blank it out and carry on as normal and they last a short period of time.

Good luck, dont worry we all go through this.

Thank you for all your postings, they have been very reassuring but I can't help but worry that my DS is worse than all your children put together. I think it's because the 2yr olds I know are not as bad as him and also he is the first new baby in our family so I have nothing to compare him to.
Today when I posted I said he was watching a video so I went down to check on him, he was sat on the floor sucking his thumb, I asked if he wanted a cuddle and he said "no, cake" which I ignored (we only have cake on a Thursday and he'd already had it) anyway I picked him up sat him on my lap and he went straight off to sleep, couldn't believe it. I think he is exhausted with all the tantrums plus he is not sleeping well at night since the move to a big bed which we had to do as he'd got out of the cot. We seem to be stuck in a vicious circle. I've tried my HV again but there is still no answer, I think I'll try and get that Toddler Taming book and see if there are any pointers in there.
Can I ask about Time out in his room, I'm worried about doing this just in case he then takes a dislike to his bedroom at bedtime.

wellsie, does he talk and communicate really well yet? One thing I noticed about ds is that things would set him off that you would never have imagined. Things like placing his sippy cup one place vs. another or handing it directly to him. If you can get them to calm down and tell you what it is, that can help. Otherwise, I just ignore ds until he gets it out of his system.

His talking has come on leaps and bounds over the last month and I can understand pretty much everything he is asking/wanting but he does seem to have melt downs over the least little thing, even if I was to put his cup where he wanted it he would still have a tantrum.
I wonder with the speech thing because it does seem to be that since his communication has improved he's got worse, it's like he can now voice exactly what he wants and if I say no he loses it, maybe because he thinks "look, I'm telling you what I want so get it for me!"

Oh, yes, they do become little tyrants, don't they? When ds says things like, "Get this for me," I make him restate it as "Mommy would you please..." and then I say "Yes, [ds] I would love, to ..." but it can be a struggle, sometimes!

It seems that they get sensory overload easily at this age and just have to get it out of their system. As long as they are in a safe environment (i.e. not in the road, ) I just let him carry on with it and go do something else.

Not sure I'm qualified to answer this as DS is 2 and 2 months and last week I was posting about him not wanting to wear his jacket BUT three things in general have helped me to cope....

1. distraction...tantrum starts and you distract their attention with a book or toy
2. humour...keeping calm, use low funny voices like Mr Plod (Noddy)....spinning them around and tickling, kissing their tummies etc.
3. keep him busy with his own tasks...so we're going out now...can you find your shoes....can you switch off the TV...do you want to choose a book to take. At bath time he gets to choose toys to take in and most evenings he chooses something different.

These help me to deflate my annoyance and seem to take the steam out of the situation for him.

Also think that offering choice results in more confrontation sometimes. If asked DS will say he doesn't want to go in the garden but if you say...get your ball we'll kick it around..then get your hat...put on your shoes etc. he just gets on with it and enjoys the process, praise and end result.

yes, and if giving a choice to ds it's "Do you want to do this or that?" not giving more than two choices and not giving them the opportunity to answer no.

Hi Wellsie, we've all been in situations with our children which we wish we'd handled differently, hindsight is great! Not sure i can top any of the advice thats gone before, but just to say that when you're in a situation with him where he is acting up, and you're feeling like you're losing control, walking away is not a bad thing. You dont say whehter your son goes to a playgroup? if he does, is his behaivour the same there, if not would getting him out of the house for a couple of hours help? also, i found that distracting my son with what was going to happen after he got dressed usually helped (especially if it was an activity he enjoyed). Its hard, but i found my son just wanted to follow his own agenda I think its a phase alot of children go thru. are there times where your son is well behaved and can you focus on those times? - just makes the rough bits a tad easier.

DS goes to nursery 2 days a week and we attend a little gym class as well. Nursey say he's good but when I take him to the gym class he's a little devil, refuses to sit in the circle with the other mums and toddlers and runs around the gym. I've tried removing him from the class when he does this and tell him he is only going back in if he stays with Mummy, which he agrees to but then he does it all over again. I've also noticed that he is becoming more agressive. Today he deliberately ran into a smaller boy and knocked him over - TWICE! I made him apologise and give the boy a cuddle (little boy was crying) which he did but this behaviour is concerning me, luckily the other mum was very understanding, I don't know how I held it together just wanted to burst into tears.

stopping tantrums in seconds gives excellent advice
and how to talk so your kids will listen website gives more information on the same technique. you have to really concentrate hard on changing old ways of responding but it really does work.
i'm not a fan of star charts/time out as think it teaches bribery and humiliation which in time the child will learn to do back to the parent
how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk book awful title and american but the best parenting book i've read. have 3 ds's so understand what you are going through.
take care xx

aw wellsie, sorry you felt like crying. I don't think what you described of your ds is anything but normal for a 2 year old. Very few (including mine), are able to sit down for circle time and concentrate at that age. They are just not ready for that. Great that your ds did it once, but he was trying to please you (bless ). The fact he forgot it the next time is because he is too young to "internalise" your commands ie he cannot apply what you told him in one situation to another similar situation, even if it is exactly the same one! Hence, having to repeat things to toddlers many many times before they get it (maybe when they are 3??).

Aggression to their peers also comes out at this age. There was a spurt of this at my dd's nursery in the 2-3 age group, with my dd being victim and perpetrator. I am glad the other mum was understanding, but we have all been there! Your ds will work it out eventually. You just have to carry on what you have been doing which is great - making him apologise and cuddle - even if it is hundreds of times.

I recommend the How to Talk books as well (although from memory, they could be for older toddlers)? Plesae don't feel bad for your ds' behaviour. He is lucky to have a mum who cares.

wellsie - are you me??? I have that 2 year old!!! He has been an absolute monster these last few weeks exactly the same scenarios!! Especially the 'Cake' one I loled at that.

I also bought 'how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk book' as mentioned by shrub, brilliant book, but more for an older toddler.

I can't imagine saying to screaming ds2 "You sound angry" when he having a screaming fit in Tescos

It's got nothing to do with your parenting skills, I promise you!!! I used to be a smug cow when I talked about ds1(now 20 years), he was perfect toddler/teenager!

Ds2 has been more trouble in 2 years than ds1 was in 20!!!

I've tried absolutely everything, I have searched every thread on mumsnet and tried every tactic (except the pasta jar)

What works for me, is bribery!!!

Not all the time, obviously, but in an emergency measure. Screaming fit in Tesco, getting in car seat etc!!!

Don't measure his behaviour against other kids, nit worth it...honeslty.

Anyway sorry for the ramble.