When does it gets better?

[ThatsEnoughHasHadEnough]

Seriously I can take it no longer. Three boys (2, 4 and 7) And I want to walk away.

The constant noise, arguing, bickering, fighting is driving me mad and I can take it no longer. At best we manage 30 minutes without an incident of some sort - divide and conquer is the only way I can cope and going anywhere on my own with them is a thing of the past.

DS1 is highly emotional at the moment and DS2 is struggling with reading (recognises the letters, but can't blend the words) and I just don't have the patience to deal with them.

At school or with friends they are apparently angels, so why is it that I have lost control? DH is the same, but doesn't get frustrated in the same way that I do.

It's not been a great year, work issues, my mum died suddenly late last year, to name a few, but I want my children to have happy memories.

So when does it get easier!?

Sorry, but you said it yourself-you've lost control. It won't get any easier until you take it back.

Sit down and work out what you want, and what are the barriers.
Have they got too many toys? Do they watch things on TV that raise their adrenaline (such as fast-moving cartoons, things with inexplicable events or creatures)? Do they spend time on electronic games that also raise adrenaline levels?

Think about what they fight about, and how realistic their complaints are. Think about why they fight. Is it to get the upper hand? Or to get your attention?

Then think about what type of family life you and your DH really want. You mentioned happy memories. What would create these for you? Days out? Time spent in the home together? Meals round the table? Cuddling up on the sofa with a DVD and popcorn? Once you know what you do want, rather than what you don't, you can start to work towards getting it.

Taking control is going to take more than just shouting at them, or trying to overpower them with punishments. Try limiting sensory input (ie noisy toys, screen time-computers and games), and introduce more imaginative and creative games, such as lego, and Playmobil, things that can be played with together and encourage co-operation.

You need to introduce a system of consequences for when the children don't follow your rules. If the children are bickering, the consequence should be that you calmly give a warning, saying that if they continue to bicker you will take away their current game and they will come and sit at the tabke with you and draw/colour together so that they have nothing to bicker about and you can bring them back to calmness. Note that this is NOT a punishment, it is the consequence of allowing their emotions to run so high that you will take control and help them to calm down their emotions. You will need to stay very calm when dealing with their high emotions.

You need to tell them that 'Mummy is in charge', 'Mummy will decide', and to show them that this is the case. Children do not like to be in control (much as it may seem that way!). They test the adults around them to see if the adults are in control, as it is when the adults are in control that the children feel safe.

You're right with what you say, although I already do much of what you say, but I probably need to be more consistent. None of the boys like typical boy TV - Tom and Jerry is about as bad as it gets! DS1 does like the Wii, but can go days without bothering and DS is more the outdoor and sporty type, but they still manage to ruin a day out by arguing and fighting in the car before we have left the driveway.

They can be very nice with each other at times, but recently it seems much worse, baking a cake together is like world war three, watching a film results in an argument over who sits next to me, even a family meal causes an argument over who sits next to grandad - the list is endless, and I think the fact that I am not feeling my best doesn't really help.

I think calm down activities sound great and I will be giving them a go - thank you!

If you can't have a day out without them starting to bicker in the car, then turn the car around and go home. Seriously, be ruthless at the beginning. Show them that their actions have consequences.

If they fight when you are baking, the consequence is that they go and do something else, and they don't get to eat any cake.

It doesn't take much of this type of thing to let them know you mean business.

At the same time, really praise the child who is doing what you want him to do, so if two are bickering and one is not, then you go home, and the two bickerers stay at home with one parent, while the non-bickerer gets to go out (to the park, or for an ice cream/feed the ducks) with the other parent. Any sign of 'crowing' (I call it the 'Nurnur ne nur ners'!), then that child stays at home as well...'Sorry, DS2, I know you didn't bicker in the car but you are now showing off, and the consequence is that you will stay at home too'.

If the fighting is to sit next to you or to grandad, then have a chart and record turns. DS3 will have to sit next to a grown up as he's too young, but the other two can take turns. If they complain, they lose a turn.

Let them know each time that this is a consequence of their behaviour. It is very important that they recognise that they are making choices here. They can choose not to bicker, and be praised and rewarded, or they can choose to bicker, and face the consequences.

They also need to know that another consequence of this is that it makes you unhappy. Tell them that Mummy wants to live in a happy house, and to see her sons getting on.
I tell mine that if I saw another boy treating one of my children like that (when they are nasty to each other), I would dislike that child for hurting my boy. When it is one of my boys I find it very hard, because I love them both so much, yet I see one of them hurting another! I ask them how they think I should react, how should I untangle my feelings here? By the time I've finished, they usually have their arms round each other, sobbing about how much they love each other. I capitalise on that, and might choose that moment to bake that cake!

Your two year old is obviously too young to fully understand all this, but I well remember my now four year old crying 'not consequences Mummy, please not a consequence' when he was only just 3. His were simple, like 'If you get down from the table, the consequence will be that your dinner goes in the bin'. Followed through a couple of times, and he stays at the table!

It will work, and you will be enjoying great days out by the summer!

(I took all 3 of mine to do the supermarket shopping tonight after school. They were delightful, and helpful. Not one boy asked for anything I wasn't going to buy anyway (so more reminding me than asking!), and we didn't get home for tea till 6. It was a needs-must trip, but I wouldn't have attempted it 6 months ago, it would have been Hell!)

As sexy says you have to take control, but without shouting or saying 'no' every 5 seconds. I think that is probably the most difficult thing - to keep a positive and happy household while maintaining calm and control.
Whilst your DS3 is so little you will have to play with them to maintain the calm and to teach them how to play without fighting.
My DS's are now 9,6 and 5 - I can't remember how hard it was now, as they are attached at the hip - and rarely fight, but I'm sure it was!! I always made them responsible for looking after each other and if someone did trip over someones half built Lego base, smashing it up we went through the apologise, hug, offer to help fix it etc.... which they do automatically now. One thing they will do is fight for your attention - it gets hard when they get bigger to have a 9,6 and 5 yr old all squashed on your lap trying to watch a film .
On family trips we used to swap the eldest for my DH in the front (I drive) so they were not all sitting together - although we don't have to do that anymore!! We are currently on a 9 hour drive to Scotland with them all in the back .
You will have to focus on the sort of family you want to have and make it happen. I used to think I was doing quite well until I met a family with 5 young boys on holiday and they were really delightful children - with a truly fantastic Mum. At that point I realised it's what I did that made the difference and I couldn't blame it on my boys!! Cue inspired super quick turnaround...

Loving this thread with the great advice. I felt the same over Easter with my two boys (4 and 3). I was at my wits end. Taking control is the answer, but I understand how easy it sounds and how difficult it can be to implement. For example, mine may love to have their dinner thrown in the bin, so it's no pudding. I bought a silly amount of arts/crafts for the holidays which was brilliant as the DC2 loves crafts and DS1 loves lego so both activities separated them for good lengths of time. I also introduced a reward chart which has been invaluable. They understand that good behaviour is rewarded and it's even worked on DS2 to use the toilet (hooray!).

I'm going read Sexy's advice again and put it into practice - thanks!!

Awwwww, feel for you. Have been there, am sometimes still there.....

ok a few pointers:

Earlier bedtimes for all (yourself included)
Cut back on all electronic devices
Sit down Super Nanny style and write down a list of about 5 rules that are reasonable- write them on big A3 paper and blue-tack up for everyone to see. You could even get the 7 year old to do the writing if you are feeling keen .
Work out how you can spend 5-15 minutes 1 to 1 time each day with each of them, then do it.
Think of one or two activities the four of you can all do together- even if you haven't done for a while/you don't think they will be keen. Just surprise them and tell them you're doing it.
Stay cool and calm. Treat them with respect but be firm- once you've put the boundaries in place you need to keep to them.
Good luck!!!

What a good thread and great advice.

I shall be following it. I always threaten to take meals away but can never bring myself to do it.

Good Luck with getting control back. I'll be trying hard to do the same.

Keep the ideas coming please!

Had much better day yesterday and a a successful meal out - DS3 did sleep throughout and two of them seem so much easier to handle!

I love the "rules" idea and did implement the " if you can't say anything nice then don't bother" suggestion.

Had to laugh at the early night for all - The boys are pretty good at going to bed with the exception of DS3 (who for once is sleeping well and hasn't woken up from falling asleep at around 5pm), but why the hell am I wide awake and on here at 3.30am!

I have 4 boys & what worked for me was letting them be individuals. They dont all like doing the same things so I don't make them. I try to have individual time with them like baking with one, making dinner with another or reading with one which they love. It also stops them feeling like they don't get attention from me. I do make an effort & I am tired like any mum but it sounds like your kids are fighting for a bit of attention. Mine used to be so jealous of each other but they have got alot better now we do more individual stuff.
Another thing that works for me at home & work is 'choose your battles'.
Its not worth getting stressed over little things. If they don't follow the rules they miss out. Let them know that your not going to get stressed out over their behaviour, they simply won't do what they wanted or you planned to do.

Should say don't get to do not wont.

Had to laugh today after writing that post - my boys had a huge fight in the back of the car this afternoon ;
DS1 "I'm allergic to courgettes",
DS2 "no you aren't, you just don't like them",
DS3 "I'm allergic to all things White",
DS2 "no you're not, they just make you constipated" ....
Cue huge scrap, tears - "I hate my brothers etc... etc..."
Needless to say it ended in an early night (regardless of the fact it was over in 10 seconds).
Maybe it never ends ....