What's the best way to deal with constant disobedience in a 2.5YO?

[Microtufts]

DD constantly refuses to do what I ask. She either completely ignores me or says 'no'. I realise this is quite common, but I need some advice on what is the best way to handle it. At the moment, because I also have my hands full with a 7mo and get a bit stressed, I spend a lot of time telling her off, which is making everyone miserable (including me).

I do feel that, once I've asked her to do something, I shouldn't give in and allow her to ignore me, as I don't want to teach her that I can be ignored. Generally the stuff I ask her to do is necessary or important. Threats (e.g. no CBeebies later if you don't do as you're told) sometimes work, but more often she doesn't seem to register them, and just repeats them back to me in a nonchalant way. Time out doesn't seem to work that well as a deterrent, and anyway, it's not always feasible.

So, how can I be firm with her and get her to comply without feeling like a grumpy old hag?

You sound like you have an awful lot on your plate! I explain to my 2yr 3 month old why. (Sonetimes it seems to help.)
The consequence needs to be immediate. No TV later won't register. You can either x or y will happen. Give a little bit of time for them to process request.

I used to give DS a choice of x or y to let him think he had choice. Decide what you want her to do and let her think there is a decision to be made. i.e. " we are going out, do you want to wear the blue coat or the red one?". You are making it clear a coat has to be worn but there is an element of choice. It may be a crap example I have used though!

1stly - threats like 'no cbeebies later' aren't going to work as she is only 2.5 and is not capable of understanding delayed punishments. Any you do give need to be immediate as children of that age are still learning cause and consequence.

2ndly - sometimes we get into a vicious circle where it feels like we are constantly telling our child off and then the more we do the less they listen and so the more we tell them off and so on. You need to break the circle.

1. only tell them off for the things that really matter - is it worth fighting over?

2. give a choice where you can - but make sure both choices are valid options e.g. yellow or red top is a valid option when you don't care which one they choose. Either you put your boots on or we stay in all day when you have to go to the shops isn't. Having a choice makes a child feel more in control.

3)remember your dd is still very young and has limited understanding and concentration span. Instructions need to be short and clear. Repeat if necessary the relevant words - so 'dd put your shoes on' when you need to repeat 'dd shoes'. Padding things out with extra words can make the meaning get lost.

4)Very young children often only remember the end of the sentance so 'don't pour the water on the floor' is confusing as they mostly pick up 'water' and 'floor' whereas 'put your cup on the table' picks out what you do want them to do.

5. remove and distract are the best things for getting them to stop doing something - so remove from whatever they were doing (or remove the thing from them) and distract with something else e.g. look at the tiger on that roof. It doesn't have to be a real thing.

It is a difficult age, they aren't called the terrible twos for nothing, but it is just a phase and she will come out of it.

yy to immediate consequences, and choices where both answers are acceptable.

I also don't sweat the stuff that doesn't matter (I have a nearly 3yr old and an 11 month old, so a few months ahead of you). He went out to the supermarket in teeshirt, hat and gloves (and trousers). It was that hot week, and everyone else was in their summer clothes. We got knowing smiles from a lot of people.

I also make things into a challange.
"DS1, time to tidy up/go upstairs/put our coats on."
"NO!"
"I'll race you. Who is going to get there first"

It normally gets him moving.

I found things got easier when DS2 started moving.

Agree with all of the above.

Think about what your basic rules are eg road safety, car seat, not hurting the baby etc and be firm about these. Get down on her level if possible and emphasis how serious you are when these 'biggies' arise (without shrieking, hopefully) and let the other stuff slide.

If you are going on at her all day, out of exhaustion based irritation it will just become a background hum and like you say a really negative atmosphere for eveyone.

Say thank you when she does what you ask, helps fetching nappies or whatever. Model the respect and co-operation you expect from her in the way you act with other people.

Give warnings eg one more story and then we get our shoes and coats on and do X.

Thank you everyone! There is some great advice here and I've been trying it out over the past couple of days. Some of it I had already been putting into practice when I remembered (e.g. giving choices), but in my stressed-out state I mostly forgot to do it, and shouting is often a knee-jerk reaction. I set myself a challenge the day after I posted this: not to get angry and not to tell DD off unless I really needed to (e.g. when she was trying to step on DS's head while he was lying on the floor :D). It made for a much more peaceful time and I can't say I noticed DD's behaviour getting worse for the absence of shouting - if anything she has been calmer. Yesterday she smeared half a pot of vaseline over herself and the sofa when I was out of the room and I managed to see the funny side.

I must admit that I can feel the stress building again though, so I might have to go and thump some pillows or something later on ...

You are not alone Micro!
DS2 turned 2 last month and is resisting and challenging everything. Brushing his teeth, changing his nappy, getting him in car seat, getting dressed etc. Annoyingly, he does everything DH asks him to do, but just shouts when it is me (his noise for 'no').
I've tried time out, taking toys away, ignoring etc and I'm really hating the fact I'm becoming a really shouty mother with a 2 year old and it feels like everything is a physical battle.
Not much help is my post, but 'this too shall pass'
I'm also mentally making a note of the ideas on this thread, thank you! I do find though that when I give choices, DS2 still does his 'no' noise