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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

DD doesn't like her Daddy

14 replies

mrsXsweet · 14/04/2012 11:40

As the title says really, DD is 2yrs 3 months and doesn't want to know daddy. This has been going on for a good 8 months or so and seems to be getting worse. We are both getting a bit upset by it and don't know what to do.

We both work full time but my dh works very long hours and isn't around all that much, he drops her at nursery and I pick her up.
We're trying to make it that only he takes her swimming, something that she really enjoys, so that she will associate him with good stuff.
The problem really arises if we are all in the house, she will cry if he tries to play with her. When I leave for work in the morning there is a major meltdown, everyday. At bedtime she gets distressed if he is around and in the night she would rather cry than have him comfort her - last night she told him to go away and this really upset him. Apparently once she settles down, she is normally fairly happy to play with dh but he says it feels forced. He is becoming anxious about doing things with her and I am feeling guilty about how she reacts when we are all together. It probably also doesn't help his confidence when she favours her grandparents over him as well ( probably as they always bring presents!)

I am currently hiding in my own house so that she will play with Daddy so does anybody have any tips as to how we could readdress the balance and help dd to realise how great her daddy is?

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HereIGo · 14/04/2012 11:43

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Original poster

mrsXsweet · 14/04/2012 20:38

Thanks for the reassurance! Hopefully she will grow out of the tantrums at the same time!

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Sargesaweyes · 14/04/2012 20:44

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belindarose · 14/04/2012 20:46

Mine was (is!) like this. She is now 2y7mo. We had a really good period between Christmas and about three weeks ago, when she was really happy with him. I'd got bad morning sickness and he HAD to do a lot more than he was used to doing, so got her up more, put her to bed a bit etc. Previously he'd often opted out of these sorts of things as she was so resistant. Much much better.

Had a bit of a setback recently. She's been poorly on and off, nothing specific but made her more clingy. She's also very aware of the impending baby so is making her claim to me in advance I think. Today she's been telling me she 'doesn't love daddy' while listing all the people she does love (fortunately not in his hearing!). We've had grandparents all week though, so she's had their full attention and loved it.

It's horrible for the dads, but also really wearing for us, isn't it? It'll pass. Hopefully soon!

WhatTheCatDraggedIn · 14/04/2012 20:55

Mine will 99% of the time choose me over DH, and he is an SAHP, so it's not because she doesn't see enough of him.

I think it is partly because they begin to realise that they are female like Mum, not male like Dad. My DD is very hung up on gender.

No advice except to say that it passes...

messagetoyourudy · 14/04/2012 20:59

I think it sounds like you are doing all the right things - DH and your DD going out doing 1:1 things together. I think your doing well to try and nip it in the bud.

I have 2 DS and whilst my eldest (he is 7) has always been pretty even with both of us my DS2 will still always want me if there is any sort of 'care' to be done ie fallen over/brushing teeth/getting dressed/putting to bed etc. He is 5. On reflection I wish we had done more to stop the mother over father preference.

It is good that your DH is willing to make the effort - don't give up.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 14/04/2012 21:01

Would it be possible for you to change things around so that you take her to nursery and he picks her up sometimes even if he can't do it everyday (even if he has to work after she's in bed)? Can he do more bedtimes/baths/dressing/meals - just generally do more for her? Them going swimming on their own is a good start and having a 'big girl' treat after always helps :) (baby hot chocolate in a cafe?).

I presume nothing has happened that has made her wary of him - even if it wasn't his 'fault' (for example if she ran into the road and he shouted at her to stop)?

tribpot · 14/04/2012 21:02

One of my nieces was exactly like this - would readily declare that she hated daddy when she was around 3. Like they all do, she grew out of it.

I'd go out and leave them to it for the day - I wonder if hiding out at home could make it feel like a punishment, almost, being left with daddy? I would breeze out and let them get on with it - it will be good for both of them, I suspect.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 14/04/2012 21:03

The other thing is, whenever possible, don't allow her to dictate who does what. So if he goes to put her shoes on and she runs to you or shouts for mummy to do it, you simply say 'No, Daddy is going to do it for you'. Don't get into the habit of you 'sorting her out' while he does the dishes or puts stuff in the car etc. Make sure he does the DD things whenever possible - even though at first it will be more work as she will create!

molly3478 · 14/04/2012 21:08

I think he would need to spend more time with her.dd wants her daddy every morn, she always asks how long til he is home and acts out her toys wanting daddy to come home every day.they do everything together though when he is here, have a lot of shared daddy/daughter activities and he is used to looking after her on his own from baby age.

Original poster

mrsXsweet · 15/04/2012 18:24

Wow, thank u so much for all the excellent advice. I did go out and leave them to it today for a couple of hours. I got the impression it went ok- I think he assumes she is always perfect for me, which is far from the truth!
Chipping in we def do a lot of me sorting dd at the moment, even going as far as to put her shoes on before I leave for work so we could def work on this.
Unfortunately I can't drop her at nursery as it doesn't open until 8 and I have to be at work for 8.10 but he could definitely try to pick her up occasionally (starting tomorrow!).
Anyway I better go and do bath time but thank u again. Hopefully things will start to improve over time and I'll be posting how dd doesn't like her mummy!

OP posts:

gettinghappy · 15/04/2012 23:19

Yip I was thinking about the nursery thing.........a bit like he always leaves me, mummy takes me back home. I want to be safe at home therefore I want mummy. Don't want Daddy cs he might just take me and leave me somewhere.... hope it all sorts itself out soon.

amyboo · 16/04/2012 11:11

My DS (2 years 1 month) can be similar with DH. There are often times when he doesn't want Dadddy, and will just say "Daddy no" whenever DH tries to read him a book, play with him etc. We try and make sure there are always things DH does with him - he drops DS at creche every day, does his bath, reads his bedtime story, etc.

But, it definitely goes in phases. DH went away for work last week for 3 days/nights and DS got very tantrummy with DH the next day when he tried to play or read him a book....

ohmygosh123 · 16/04/2012 21:09

DD always picked up on 'vibes' and mirrored our worries with her behaviour - could it (unintentionally) be a bit of that?

My DD could have got a degree in divide and rule which drove us mad. So when she wanted one parent and not the other, we deliberately had cuddles and invited DD to come and join us for 'family' cuddles. Ie all three welcome, and no single one being excluded - but we tangibly demonstrated a united front. Made a big thing about being a family, a family is a team and all three of us being important parts even if different roles. She used to try to split us up at first if we hugged - but now being lifted up for a 'family' hug is a ritual particularly when she is feeling insecure / upset about something.

Also if she didn't want Daddy to read her story, then she got no story - simple - and her choice! She got the message pretty darn quick. And if I ever did have to intervene because DH couldn't / wouldn't deal, then my voice became monotonous & deadpan with minimum interaction, so she didn't get alot out of it.

Don't know if any of this will help you.

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