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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

No (school) mates - age 5

12 replies

LemurintheSun · 08/02/2006 13:44

DS is a nice & friendly boy (though an only child). He had lots of good friends at nursery, and always had a best friend too. When one left (as happened a couple of times), he would be glum for a while but soon find another. However, it has been very different at primary school, which takes a broader social range. He made a close friend in the first few weeks, but this ran into difficulties early on with various minor disputes, and now he has not even been invited to the boy's birthday party - or, for that matter to his favourite girl's party, which is happening at about the same time. There was also some physical bullying from other boys at the start. We spoke to the teachers and it has stopped, but he still doesn't have any real friends and is definitely feeling lonely and excluded. I tried to get him involved in football classes, but it didn't really pan out (he wasn't very good, and eventually decided to stop). We have lost touch with most of his old friends, who all went to different schools. I put out a couple of invites for playdates to hopeful prospects, but they have fizzled into the ground, one way or another. Today he told me (before running off fairly happily to play) that he wanted to kill himself - which I relate to the party thing (though it might not be. I will try to explore this further). Any advice on how to help him make new friends?

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lars · 08/02/2006 13:51

Lemurinthesun, I don't really know what to suggest, is there a bigger problem there with kids in his class, like is bullying still happening. The reason I say this my ds was very excluded and also my dd who is older. I just felt the school and the kids were just not right for my children and didn't fit in. Where are the other kids he used to know, what I mean have they gone to another school in your area.

Also speak to the school they may introduce a buddy system which are in other schools, which helps to deal with this kind of thing. larsxx larsxx

robin3 · 08/02/2006 13:58

My brothers school life was like this...that's why I'm so paranoid about my DS. It's much tougher being a boy at school IMO.

Not sure what to suggest but I would say keep asking, keep talking and don't stop until it's resolved and there is a solution. At the very least your son will trust you and feel he's respected at home.

Bizzarely my parents seemed to think it would pass and it didn't....I still feel angry about it. Also affected me because I lived with an unhappy brother all my life. Sorry that's probably worried you more but glad you're asking the questions at this early stage.

Good luck.

mcmum · 08/02/2006 14:04

lemurinthesun,

when my ds started primary school he didnt know anyone as we had moved into the area to get him a place, within weeks he too was bullied which lasted until yr2 i might had before it was sorted out. Like yourself i started him in a fottball class which he didnt really enjoy but we continued with it (he cried every week) ! I regularly invited a friend a week for tea and play after school which helped alot. He is now a very happy confident 8 year old little bot who is a player for local under 8 football team and scored his first hat trick last week end he does not know it yet but is in the local newspaper today for it, I think you will have to help him out by inviting friends over or arranging to meet at softplay after school with several mums and kids. Good luck

sibdoms · 08/02/2006 14:06

he said he wanted to kill himself? where did he pick that up from? Poor wee thing.
Ok, I think you need a multiprong plan of action here.

Talk to teacher to see if underlying problems or to see if s/he can be proactive on your ds's behalf.
Keep going with the playdates - sooner or later you will have success
Build up your ds's confidence - have some fun with him yourself - try and get him to express what he is feeling. good luck

robin3 · 09/02/2006 15:26

I'm bumping this because I'm sure there are loads of people who've been through similar with their kids.

Good luck.

wannaBe1974 · 09/02/2006 17:31

I am scared to death that this sort of thing will happen with my DS. Both me and my DH were in similar situations - DH was bullied, but more from secondary school, but I moved to South Africa when I was 9 and was sent to an Afrikaans speaking boarding school where I didn't speak a word of the language. I did learn to speak it and am now very fluent, but initially it was very hard for me to make friends, and I was regularly picked on because I was different to my peers. My mother's reaction to this was that "well if people don't want to be friends with you, then that must mean there's something wrong with you", not a very self esteme boosting comment.

I would just tell your DS that he will make friends, keep encouraging him to invite friends home, when is his birthday? could you have a party and invite some of his favourite fellow pupils? Even if he's not in with them yet, including them might show them what a lovely little boy your DS is.

MamaG · 09/02/2006 17:47

I think it's shit when kids have parties and exclude other children. At my DD's school you either invite the whole class or just same sex. It's like an unwritten rule.

We relocated just as DD was about to start Year 1 to a new county so obviously new school. I was worried this would happen so enrolled her in Rainbows (little girl brownies) - quite a few girls from her class go there too, so it helped her make friends quicker.

Is there anything similar for boys, apart from the football class, that he could go to? Cubs?

Persevere with the playdates too, sounds like you are doing all the right things.

I just want to give him a hug!

Original poster

LemurintheSun · 03/03/2006 11:30

DS's birthday is some way off at the moment. However he got a party invite the other day, from a boy who has also had some problems for other reasons. We snapped it up (DS very pleased). He deserved it too, as he has been nice to the boy (with my encouragement) and not joined in with general teasing.

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Original poster

LemurintheSun · 03/03/2006 11:31

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Fullmoonfiend · 03/03/2006 20:07

How is is he? Do you have a beavers' group nearby? (It's cubs/scouts for 6 yrs olds) I suggest this as it's very hard for kids to be excluded in a setup like this, as they do games, group activities and the ethos is very 'helping each other'.
If that's too regimented for you, how about a drama group, where again, there is very little scope for kids to be left out.

Are there any parents that you feel you can talk to at the school? My ds had a problem with a particular child and one day I ended up mentioning it to the mum, who was as worried as i was, it turned out. We 'engineered' a couple of encounters and went out for teac together (neutral ground) and now they are very good pals, they just rubbed each other the wrong way initially.
Fingers crossed your ds enjoys the party and it may lead to other invites!

manitz · 03/03/2006 21:18

sometimes at that age (and in my office) just not joining in with teasing could align you with the teased. If that is the case, good on im for standing his ground.

Presumably he has only been at school since september? It's not all that long and takes time for them to settle in and see through/stand up to bullies. In addition to what others suggest could you participate in PTA type events so that you make friends and get playdates sorted?

cori · 03/03/2006 21:25

I think DS might also have this problem. I dont have any solutions to the school issue but I am going to encourage him to make friends outside of school by attending different groups.
I already take him to Woodcraft folk and am plannning on sending him to Stagecoach quite soon. I think he is a bit shy with other children but he likes peforming to, so I think it will help with his confidence.

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