5 Year old DD scared a lot

[lilysma]

My 5 year old DD has started saying she's scared a lot of the time, sometimes of innocuous stuff and sometimes of apparently nothing. She's always been easily scared by films (even the most saccharine Disney stuff - anything with any drama at all - we've always put it down to her being very imaginative) but it seems to be extending more and more into daily life - e.g. she's scared to go upstairs to the toilet on her own, she's scared of the cat who we've had all her life. She also seems to feel generalised anxiety, especially when she's tired - towards tea time she starts to want cuddles and says 'I'm scared' but when we ask her what she's scared of she says 'I don't know' or 'I'm thinking about the dream I had last night' (but can't tell you any details).

She also wakes reasonably often with nightmares and has had sleep disturbances (where she wakes up screaming after about an hour or two of sleep and has to be cuddled back to sleep but often doesn't remember it in the morning).

TBH I have been a bit dismissive about it until recently, thinking she was just attention seeking because we've had another DC 8 months ago (who she adores). I try to give her more attention and cuddles but of course this is challenging with a baby and can't always be managed exactly when I think it might be needed. But it is getting worse and she also quite often says she has a tummy ache, which I know can be a sign of anxiety.

Has anyone been through anything like this? Any ideas how to deal with it?

I have been through something like this - still am, really - my 6yo is scared of many, many things. I don't have any answers. I was a very, very frightened child myself - memories of my first 20 years are just clouded by fear - and my mum was always rather brisk and impatient with that. A lovely mum in many ways, but definitely of the tough love and let's brook no nonsense type. So of course I have gone the other way with my dd - because I empathise, and because I want her to feel safe enough to develop her confidence.

I think this is working, though I pay quite a high price - for example, I sit with her while she goes to sleep, and have actually been sharing a bed with her for the last couple of months. I'm sure most people would find that ridiculously over-indulgent. They may be right. But instinctively I feel that she has to feel safe in order to develop her courage, so I do rather coddle her in this regard.

She is also scared of things she sees on TV etc. Fortunately her sibling is younger, so it's only CBeebies in this house and she is happy with that. I don't let her watch scary films. It's harder to handle information about real life: I absolutely don't want to shield her from the world, but am also aware that every time she sees something upsetting - like an Oxfam ad - it will lead to tears and bad dreams. When she was at pre-school she went on a trip to a fire station, and that has led to years of anxious questions about fire and how we would escape it. She asked about Remembrance Day poppies and that led to months of worry about war.

It's not easy!

Thanks for posting Devora. I think I was quite a frightened child myself and am still a bit of a scaredy cat - do you think we somehow pass this stuff on? My sister has an anxiety condition which has really affected her life, though I haven't connected this stuff before as DD has never been a generally anxious child before. She has been obsessed with death for a while though, and doing Easter at school has really not helped - sounds quite similar to your DDs concerns about fire and war. DH has been putting DD to bed since I was heavily pregnant - before that I almost always did it and sat with her until she was almost asleep but he is more no-nonsense and leaves her awake after a routine (strictly enforced by DD). Oh god, got to go, baby awake!

Your DD sounds like mine who is now 14.

She was terrified of so many things there were times we just couldn't have the tv on. Her imagination scared the living daylights out of her and so did anything new or unexpected.

I tried the tough love at times, without success, and years later keep finding out about times she lay awake at night scared stiff but not calling out because we had told her she should just go back to sleep.

Generally I have been more indulgent and given her cuddles and reassurance and feeling more secure does seem to be the one thing which has helped her. The less we pushed her the better she coped with things.

She was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome aged 12 which now gives us a reason for the anxiety but I think that, whatever the reason behind it, anxiety is best dealt with by reassurance and security.

My advice would be to follow your instincts and don't be pushed into trying to make her be more independent by anyone unless you are sure, deep down, that it's the right thing to do. She is still very little after all.

Thanks Timandra, I am feeling that we could be more sympathetic, but also wondering if there's anything else we could be doing to help her manage her fears/anxieties - e.g. any techniques we should be teaching her. Is anyone aware of anything? How is your DD now?

Bump, anyone?

The only technique I am aware of is encouraging her to try things she's scared of, with an easy get-out clause, so that she has control of trying things out and the opportunity to discover that nothing bad happens.

It has worked for us with our younger daughter (who also has ASD) when getting her to try staying in a room by herself for a few seconds.

The key seems to be offering encouragement while making sure the child feels in control.

My older one is much better now, thanks, mainly because she is not in a constant state of anxiety induced by inadequate school provision. Now she has proper support there she has the resources to challenge herself at home whereas before she just desperately needed to feel safe.

My younger one, like your DD, complains of tummy ache and other pains and I've been told by CAMHS and the Children's hospital that, although the pain may have a psychological cause, it is very real and I shouldn't just dismiss it. I try to offer things like a warm wheat bag or a cuddle now which seems to help.

Another tip for helping anyone who is feeling anxious is deep pressure. A heavy blanket, massage, being wrapped up tightly etc can be reassuring and restful. It certainly helps both my girls.

Thanks Timandra that's very helpful. I suppose I should get the tummy pain investigated before assuming it is anxiety. It sounds as though you have been through the mill and I'm glad you have the support you need. I relate to the deep pressure suggestions and do hold DD very tightly when she has night terrors - it seems to help.