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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Rejected by DS

14 replies

ebmummy · 11/04/2012 20:32

I have posted on this topic before, and it's really getting worse. DS (13 months) seems to prefer DH (and DM when she's around) to me. And I mean REALLY prefer-so much so that he cries and screams if I take him off them. I have returned to work 1 day a week, and when I came in from work today, he actually looked at me, and cried as he crawled to DM. It's like he was annoyed with me, or like I was a stranger. He is getting really naughty at the moment, and when we are alone by ourselves, I occasionally tell him off, or raise my voice if he's doing something dangerous (which DH nor DM ever do). I still bf on demand, and he doesn't want to bf either anymore (apart from his 6am/wake-up bf) so he might be self-weaning? It's like if we are around DH or DM ( and he only does it for these 2 individuals), he doesn't want to know me anymore. It's got to the point where I'm actually jealous of the attention he gives them.

I realise it sounds really childish, but I'm so distraught :(. Naturally I completely adore him-I've been the primary carer whilst DH is at work and it's been hard raising him (he was a poor sleeper till the age of 1). Therefore it's sad to think that he doesn't want me anymore. I feel really rejected.What can I do to improve the situation?

OP posts:

RedBlanket · 11/04/2012 20:36

Don't take it personally, it's just a phase. They are very fickle, youll be the best in a few weeks and you wont be able to go to the loo wothout him He sees you all the time and takes you for granted. DH is a novelty.

HappyCamel · 11/04/2012 20:39

I agree with what red blanket says. I'm a bit concerned about you describing him as naughty though, he is really only a baby. Try distracting him rather than telling him off and make sure you give him plenty of praise.

maples · 11/04/2012 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hassled · 11/04/2012 20:45

Yes - the "naughty" thing leapt out at me, too. At 13 months he has no ability to distinguish between right and wrong. He's not being naughty - he's just being 13 months. Distraction is the only way until he has the level of brain development necessary to understand.

I think this is a phase which will pass. I can see how upsetting it must be for you, but play it down - he will pick up on your mood - and he won't wnat to be with someone who's stressy and tense. If he wants Dad, let him have Dad - then get a really interesting/favourite toy out and win him back :o.

Original poster

ebmummy · 11/04/2012 20:46

He's always felt this way about DH. He's always almost preferred him to me.. It's cos DH has the patience of a saint whereas I'm permanently wound-up (the lack of sleep doesn't help!).. Do they pick up stressy vibes?

OP posts:

mellowcat · 11/04/2012 20:46

That sounds really really hard and doesn't sound childish at all.

I think its crucial not to let him know you are hurt and distraught...I'm sure you don't say or do anything but babies can be really sensitive to expressions or loved ones going quiet. When you are alone together could you try sitting alongside him and talk through what he is doing and follow his lead in play in a lighthearted and fun way. You say he cries and screams if you try to take him off your DM or DH, maybe you could avoid this rejection by not taking him off them so to speak but gently playing alongside with something intriguing - bubbles are fab for this.

Perhaps if he goes to them you could try to be playful and make it into a game to dissolve some of the tension and ease the rejecting feelings.

Have you chatted to your DM and DH about how you feel, maybe they could help by being really boring for a bit or giving you space with him and talking about Mummy when you are not around.

Please please don't think he doesn't want you anymore...nothing could be further from the truth...this too will pass.

RubyrooUK · 11/04/2012 20:48

ebmummy my son goes through this phase every so often. He is 19mo.

He preferred me until he was 16mo or so when I stopped bf and he got much closer to his dad who was able to settle him more etc.

Now he goes through periods where one of us is amazing and the other is poison. We are not sure why, although he does seem to prefer the person who initially gets up for breakfast with him for the whole day....

Oh and he has started calling his father "mama" as an upgrade, which drives me mental (I'm also mama).

So I'm sure this will pass. I usually find that a good long play session alone with DS with me being very silly helps me feel better about things. But I think this is probably just a phase, no matter how horrible it feels.

Original poster

ebmummy · 11/04/2012 20:53

Wrong turn of phrase, sorry. Obviously I know he can't distinguish between right and wrong, but he understands some things (like 'no touchy'). We generally have lots of fun together-lots of laughs and games. I distract him when he's upset (he's teething at the mo so very whingy) by tickling him. We go to baby groups, baby gym, library etc and he's fine but just recently he's becoming very detached from me.. I miss the cuddles :(

OP posts:

learningtofly · 11/04/2012 21:04

Oh op I feel for you.

Ds was like this from about 9 months til he was 2 and a bit so our phase went on for what seemed like ages. He wouldn't kiss me goodnight, resisted me doing anything like dressing or changing a nappy, wouldn't eat food unless daddy gave it him, wouldn't let me comfort at all (including at night) if dh was around. He was 2 before he even tried saying mummy having mastered daddy by 10 months. There were times when I felt totally invisible and dh found it quite wearing.

But on a positive note it has got better :) it changed quite gradually from about 2 yrs 3 months and now it goes in equal phases between us. And he will chose to come with me to do things which seems such a small thing but was a big step forward. So take heart, keep loving him unconditionally and it will pass.

Original poster

ebmummy · 11/04/2012 21:11

Thanks so much for the positive message learningtofly..

No matter what, I absolutely adore him. He's our first born after years of trying (and a horrible miscarriage) so he's very very wanted by the pair of us. I guess the selfish part of me wants him to do for me what he does for DH (when DH comes through the door, DS starts laughing and clapping with excitement). When I left for work this morning (leaving DS with DM and nanny), he pushed me away when I tried to cuddle him and started screaming for my Mum.

OP posts:

Winkly · 11/04/2012 21:17

In answer to one question, yes they pick up on 'stressy vibes' from a very young age.

At a few weeks old, DN loved being bathed by me, but cried his eyes out when his mum did it - she was terrified of dropping or hurting him while I was relaxed and enjoyed it, and he could tell. But DN loves him mummy to the ends of the earth and I'm sure your son does too.

learningtofly · 11/04/2012 21:23

It will come! I get greeted by big hugs these days and a kiss!

There were dark days though - one awful Sunday afternoon I reached my limit and just left (dh was there with ds I should add!) I went for a walk and to the pub for an hour to calm down because I thought they just didn't need me.

After that I mentally decided not to let it bother me anymore. It was going to be water off a ducks back and it was hard at times but it stopped me feeling useless. And it stopped me worrying about what other people thought of me as a parent.

Miggsie · 11/04/2012 21:23

They do all seem to go through the phase where they want the parent who mostly isn't there.
DD was like this with DH, she wasn't fussed about me, so when work asked me to go abroad for a week I thought "ok, DH can cope".
Well apparently the first two days it was all novelty and fun then the "muuuum" started. When I got back home DD clung to me for dear life.

It is just the fact that the primary person is always there so they are used to you and so take you for granted, the absent parent is exciting....like ice cream, they are a treat.

Don't take it personally, and take the time when he isn't fussed to sit and do something on your own, he'll soon pop up to see what is going on.

You may also want to think about how the family dynamic works, are you the only one who ever chastises him? If so, he will gravitate towards those who give him treats. You need to make sure DH and mum are consistent with him and about his behaviours as you are.

Original poster

ebmummy · 11/04/2012 21:30

Yes, I have to say I am the only one who chastises him (he has a thing at the moment where he goes around taking the chargers out of phones, cameras etc and sticking the end in his mouth, which is worrying to say the least! Obviously we hide things we are charging but he manages to find them)... My Mum says she doesn't want to tell him off if he does anything wrong cos she only sees him once a week and wants to be good cop. DH lets DS roam free and basically do/touch/pull/throw anything he wants to. He thinks it's too early to 'discipline' (trying to explain right from wrong). WHilst I agree that he's still a baby, I try and talk and explain about not touching certain things (which he understands mostly)...

Hence I'm no fun I guess, from DS's point of view!

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