Think I dealt with this all wrong

[washngo]

My ds (3y7m) makes a terrible fuss whenever we leave a place where he is enjoying himself. Before we went to a friend's for a play this morning I made him promise he would come home nicely when I said it was time, with no fuss. The children played nicely and friend asked us back this afternoon after dd's sleep so they could all go in the garden for a play.

When it came time to go ds was shouting and making a fuss and not being cooperative. He was lying on the floor and refused to say goodbye or thanks for having me and when my friend tried to say goodbye he kept saying no to her. So I said quite sharply "if you don't get up and say goodbye nicely we won't be coming back later". But I was really cross and struggling to be calm and collected. He wouldn't do it, so now I have to follow up on what I said and none of us can go and have a nice afternoon with friends. So basically, I shouldn't have used an ultimatum should I?

Do you give him a count down that you are leaving, ie, "we are going in 10 miniutes....we are going in 5 minutes.....we are going in 2 minutes".

It might make him think you mean business though.
Have a really boring afternoon so he wishes he was at friends.

yes you did the right thing. as long as you follow through, which i know from expereince is so hard especially when it means you (or other dcs/friend's dcs) missing out.

it is ok for you ds to know that you are cross with him.

my ds is 6 and has always had a hard time coping when things come to an end. whether it is home time from a friends house or end of computer time. he goes into melt down. i say that if he doesn't come nicely then he wont be going to X place (something soon so he remembers what it's for when he doesn't go) or wont get onto the computer the next day.

the countdown is great and still works wonders with DS at age 5.5.

Ultimatums are good provided that you always follow them through - so you do have to be careful what you use!

I would, however, make sure that you do somethign boring this afternoon (housework, shopping or whatever is not particularly looked forward to) - by this age my ds was old enough to cope with the odd reminder about what a nice time we could have been having if he hadn't thrown a wobbler earlier, but you'll have to work out yourself whether that's worth including.

My DS always needed a 10 minute, then 5 minute warning before ending an activity.

Will try the warnings as I usually only give him one 5 min warning. Thanks it's good to know that I wasn't doing something totally stupid by saying we wouldn't come back. Planning on a quiet afternoon with possibly a walk to the shop but NO choosing a comic :)

I don't think you did it all wrong at all.

You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs. Sometimes following through will put you at an inconvenience too, but you have to play the long game, don't you?

I think it's important to let children know their actions have consequences. I think it's fine to show your children you are cross with them sometimes. I think you should have a cup of tea and make sure you don't give your ds lots of fun things to do this afternoon, but let him amuse himself.

Well, from a disinterested point of view, you asked him to make a promise that he didn't have the resources to keep there - unless you have missed something out from your OP involving alternative ways to handle disappointment when he is asked to stop what he is doing and come with you. His behaviour expresses strong feelings about really not wanting to leave and having difficulty with transitions. Making him promise not to make a fuss is a bit like asking him not to have those feelings. Perhaps you could talk to him about how to handle those feelings (while still leaving on your schedule) and even rehearse what you will say etc. If you don't have the time to do that for specific outings, when he's acting out, could you try sympathising with his feelings ('Oh, you really want to stay, I can see you are disappointed, you feel sad that we are going and cross that we won't stay even though you want to, etc.). Note, that doesn't mean giving in to him and staying put, but addressing the way that he handles himself; while you are doing so, you gently help him get ready, which has the added benefit of calming physical contact. If you go through that with him a few times you will be giving him words to say how he feels so he doesn't have to resort to lying on the floor in order to show you he doesn't like going or stopping or whatever.

I will try to be a bit more sympathetic, although we did attempt to go down that route at first saying things like "oh is it jat because you were having a lovely time?" and my friend said "well don't worry you can come back later if you get up of the floor.." and he just shouted "no it isn I don't like it here" (he is a bit contrary like many toddlers!).

Jat = just

Another vote for the "we're going in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 minute" warnings. Works with my DS, gives him chance to do the things he wants to do before we leave (and the minutes I give him are never real minutes, TBH, they are quite generous)
my friend said "well don't worry you can come back later if you get up of the floor.." and he just shouted "no it isn I don't like it here"
No point trying to reason with a tantrum, he will hate EVERYTHING you suggest! :o

Well, if he's not making any sense - it's hard to be rational when you are overcome with emotion - simple observations will do - 'you're cross' etc. Would advise against using 'just' in such circumstances - it can sound like you are diminishing what he's feeling even though you are trying kindly to minimise the catastrophe. 'You can come back later' would probably escalate the problem because it doesn't acknowledge that right now he's angry, rather it tells him he shouldn't be because something in the future will change. Acknowledge and calm in the moment; reason, reflect, negotiate later when he is calm.