My son keeps saying I hate him :( Help me!

[ccaatthhyy2]

Hi, my name's Cathy and this is the first time I've ever written anything on here! Im at the end of my tether tho and don't really know who to turn to for advice! My son is called Oliver and he's 6 years old. I'm a single parent, and we moved from Liverpool to Madrid, Spain in September 2011. We live alone, and I am a teaching assistant at his spanish school. Lately, every time he's naughty and I tell him off he goes hysterical, and screams that I must hate him for shouting at him. When this happens I hug him, tell him how much I love him and that I dont hate him...but try and explain that sometimes, when he's naughty, I dont like his behaviour and have to tell him off. A prime example...yesterday we went shopping and he bought a new football, I told him he had to eat his dinner before he could play with it and he had a massive tantrum, cried his eyes out, was shaking, saying I hated him and that he hated himself...it's breaking my heart and I dont know what to do. I've got to shout at him sometimes because sometimes he is genuinely a little brat!! This morning he blew his nose on a tissue, and then just put the snotty tissue on a shelf...i said 'bin!' and he screamed, 'YOU HATE ME DON'T YOU?!' threw the tissue in the bin, sat on the floor and wailed for 15 minutes. I've never ever told him I hate him, if anything I tell him I love him about a hundred times a day, so I don't know where he's getting this from? And I don't know what to do? Yesterday I hugged him and reassured him that I love him very much, but that if he does something naughty then I am going to tell him off. I told him that this doesn't mean I don't love him any less...it just means I'm making sure that he's a good, happy little boy. He cried yesterday for about 20 minutes, proper tears...and then things were fine. My boyfriend visits us in Spain about once every 3 weeks and he's noticed him using the 'You hate me' line too...I cant work out whether he genuinely thinks it or whether he's doing it for attention? Can someone please give me some advice??????
Thanks! xxx

I think you might be right on the attention-seeking thing. Moving to a foreign country, where the language and customs are different, will have been a stress for him too; has this behaviour started since the move? Going to school and having to learn a new language may be difficult, is he having trouble fitting in, or making new friends?

Keep cuddling him and reassuring him that you love him very much, although sometimes you don't like his behaviour. You're on the right tracks.

Thank you! We've been here since September and at first he used the 'I want to go back to England' line every time he did something naughty and I had to tell him off. He's not THAT naughty and I'm a relatively laid back mum...but if he's doing something bad or dangerous then obviously I do shout at him. Lately tho, even just asking him to pick something up or eat his dinner leads to the 'You hate me don't you?' line. Yesterday he was shaking and in tears and I'd only told him to eat his dinner before he played. I asked him whether something else was bothering him because I didn't believe the tears were just because I'd asked him to eat his pasta!! He said he didn't want to tell me because I wouldn't believe him...I told him he could tell me anything and that I will always believe him...but then he changed the subject and told me he didn't want me to tell the teachers in school that he'd been naughty because they'd shout at him. I told him I wouldn't tell the teachers and that if something's bothering him he can tell me and I'll always believe him...but he just cried a bit longer, cuddled into me...and then got distracted by the TV. I don't know whether something more serious is going on that he's too scared to tell me? Or whether I'm being paranoid and looking into things too much and he's just trying to manipulate me into letting him have his own way?

His new school is really nice, it's a bilingual school so the teacher's all speak some english, he's made new friends and goes to karate 3 times a week which he loves...he's really outgoing and this year has been like one long big holiday if I'm honest. We've had a lot of visitors and have done so many things, we visited Italy and France, which he loved, and have been to the zoo, the amusement park, all the tourist attractions...if anything he's been a little bit spoilt because I felt guilty about bringing him to Spain with me!!

This recent behaviour though is really out of character for him...I've just spoke to my boyfriend on the phone about it and he said Oliver also said to him last week 'everybody hates me and I just want to kill myself.' He's 6 years old...where would he be getting this kind of language from? I certainly NEVER say anything like that, and he only watches kid's programmes and kid's films. He doesn't have access to the internet and none of my friends or family speak like this. The only thing I ever moan about is my big fat belly so if he was worrying about his weight I would kind of understand where he was getting it from!! My boyfriend said he told Oliver that everyone loves him, and that he shouldn't talk like that...Oliver then asked who loved him so my boyfriend reeled off a big long list of all our family and friends...which seemed to settle him but I'm worried.

Does this sound normal? xx

Hmm, sounds like there's something bothering him, the "you wouldn't believe me" is a bit of a concern. Could you have a word with his teachers, preferably without his knowledge? There might be a bit of playground bullying going on.

Btw, we don't usually use names here, but acronyms, eg you would refer to Oliver as DS, "dear/darling son". Just for the purposes of remaining anonymous. :)

Oh, sorry!! Like I said it's the first time I've ever used this site...sorry :)

We're back at school tomorrow so I'm going to have a word with his teacher...I just wondered if anyone else had been in a similar situation xxx Thanks again! xx

It's ok, no harm done, no need to apologise! Welcome to the board, but be warned it's addictive! Hope things go well for you tomorrow.

Hi, since you are new here I am going to be the first one to jump in with a classic Mumsnet recommendation: "How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk" which has some good ideas about how to approach difficult discussions. Also, I'd really recommend looking at some non-violent communication stuff in order that you can deal directly with the 'You hate me!' line. I'm not an expert in that process but in NVC you would say to that line 'You think I hate you?' and then work from there, always confirming that you have heard him by repeating each thing that he says, with care and concern, and then inviting him to elaborate. You don't get into an argument about his perception. You gently invite him to elaborate - by reflecting what he says as a question, by making an attempt to understand him (so for example with the tissues thing above if 'You think I hate you?' only got a yes, you could say, 'You think I hate you when I ask you to put your tissue in the bin?'.) The point of the process is to get to the actual problem, which could FOR EXAMPLE be (I have no idea really; am just guessing for the sake of the discussion) in the tissue thing is that he thinks you must hate him to speak to him so harshly. You would then agree a way to handle issues like the tissues (sorry) in which you could both get your needs met: his need to feel loved and approved of all the time (which is very obviously a major factor at the moment) and your need to have the house tidy and clean. So that would deal with the actual line, you just repeat the process for all the different moments it happens.

However, it does seem that there is a need to feel loved and approved of by you at all times at the moment, which is unusual for him. "How to Talk..." will have some good ideas about the way to set up a generally positive atmosphere that he might share whatever it is in. Maybe you could also set up some dolls/ role play/ art play where you play (draw, etc.) the mummy and the boy moving to Spain, or the mummy and the boy at the new school, or the little boy at his new school, or the little boy who moved or whatever, and see what it throws up.

hope he settles soon, poor darling, he's obviously quite out of sorts about something (likely the move, etc.) and doesn't quite know how to discuss it/ get his needs met about it.

On another note entirely, wow, well done you! Sounds fantastic, am slightly envious. good luck x

Colditz explained the "I hate you" think on another thread earlier today.
She said
^"I don't get remotely upset when my children tell me they hate me, because I know for a fact that they don't. They are just unable to identify the strong rush of anger they feel at being thwarted as anything else but hatred, because small children don't know how to vocalise "You have really frustrated me, and I am at the limit of my temper, and I'm coming down with a slight cold, and also, I need a poo"

So they just say "I HATE you!!! I hate you I hate you I HATE you!!!!""^

I thought that put it beautifully, so I hope she doesn't mind me quoting her.

Haha! My son has NO problems vocalising needing a poo!! It's normally followed by 'Muuuum, wipe my buuuuum!!!' It's a bit of an ongoing joke at the minute, it's almost as though he has to christen every new restaurant/park/tourist attraction we visit! He even poo'd in the Vatican last month!! I made him light two candles and say a prayer to apologise to God!! :) haha!
Thanks for all your advice...I will definitely have a look at the 'How to talk to Kids' site and the NVC. Could have done with that before because we had another tantrum earlier when I asked him to do his maths homework. We go back to school tomorrow and, as usual, have left all the homework to the last minute. His maths homework is really easy and he's really good at it, but when I asked him to sit and do it he started complaining. He had 4 pages of sums to do so I asked him to do 2 before we went out for dinner, and then the other 2 could be done later. When he'd finished the first page I had a look but he'd made the same mistake on a few of them so I put a circle round them and asked him to rub them out and start again...he FLIPPED! Started shouting 'you hate me dont you? I cant do ANYTHING!!! Im rubbish at EVERYTHING!!' I calmly said, 'I love you very much and it's only a teeny little mistake, look...' and explained what he'd done, (he'd just put the tens in the wrong box so 11+6 was 71 instead of 17) but he wouldn't settle. He was crying real tears, covered in snot, the works. It took me a while to console him and calm him down, and again, I was telling him I loved him and that I make mistakes all the time on my work but it's ok because we only write with pencils and can rub mistakes out really easily...and eventually he sat down and finished it...but by that time I felt like pulling my hair out!!! So much so that I've just put him to bed, and done the rest of his homework myself but with my left hand so it looks like kid's handwriting just because I cant face another tantrum!!!!! Im going to talk to his teacher tomorrow and see if anything's going on that I should know about...although I work in his school and speak to his teacher in the staff room on a daily basis so surely if anything major was happening I would know by now?

I'm trying so hard to make things nice for him, and like I said before, if anything, I've spoilt him a bit because I knew it would be hard...I don't know, am hoping this is just a phase and he's looking for attention...not a major underlying problem! Thanks again for everyone's help! xxx

'just a phase and he's looking for attention' yes yes, but looking for attention to a real need/ problem/ anxiety. It is both JUST a phase and REAL - he REALLY needs the attention.

So, with your maths homework thing, maybe you could let it go (it's not the problem) so you can attend to his feelings instead. He is taking any tiny shred of evidence that you might disapprove of him and turning it into evidence that you hate him. A few things spring to mind - why not work with his perception that you hate him instead of denying it flat out? It is ridiculous to you, but he has a real concern that when he does something 'bad' you will hate him. If you want to change his perception, you have to engage with it seriously rather than just push it aside. Second, in the above example, you changed the goalposts a bit - he did what you said before dinner then your feedback to him was that that was not good enough. It's fine that you want to go over it with him and correct it, but that is a different and separate task that you should negotiate with him. His experience of that interchange is that what he did was not good enough for you. If you wanted the two pages perfect before dinner, you should have made that part of your initial deal. Why did you need them perfect before dinner? Third, why did you do the work for him? Would it be such a disaster not to have done it/ sent it in full of mistakes? Your standard for him - that he does it all right and on time no matter how bad he feels about whatever else is going on in his life - is pretty high for a 6 year old. That you won't send him to school without his homework done (well) could feed into his idea that you only love him if he is behaving perfectly; could suggest to him that you don't think what he can manage on is own is acceptable for you or others; that it's more important to maintain high standards than deal with his feelings. Fourth, not doing what he is capable of - doing his work to a standard way below his usual capacity is another way of getting you to engage with his negative feelings. He is giving you avenues into the problem - 'you have done this work as if you were distracted or didn't care about it. Is something bothering you?' is possibly more what he was looking for rather than help correcting work he can do on his own. Last, at the moment he really seems to believe or fear that if he does something really bad, you will hate him. Is it possible that he has been involved in something that you don't know about, that he thinks if you found out about it, you would hate him? YOU know that nothing he could ever do could change your love for him. Is there a way that you could demonstrate this? For example by loving him even when all his homework is wrong, he is in trouble for not handing it in, etc?