DD aged 2 eating troubles; Is this just a (long) phase?

[creativepebble]

My DD is 2 and has always been a picky eater. She will eat if she's really hungry but she can go for quite a while without a 'proper' meal. I have not given in to any fads and gone through different phases of ignoring/firm telling off to find what works when dinner ends up on the floor and this seems to work, but her diet is not good. I praise her loads when she does the right thing or when she tries something new.

Today she found loads of little Easter eggs and had the most horrible spoilt and brattish reaction for the next few hours, full of sugar. Very embarrassing as she is normally gorgeous.

I am well aware that she is using food and mealtimes as a power thing and I am trying so hard to be strong. She has won the battle of eating toast in front of the TV in the morning much to my despair. Am I being overly concerned and should I just chill out a bit?!

Her weight is fine... but am I creating a freaky eater who will eat nothing but cheese? (She would if she could!) She still has a bottle of milk before her lunchtime sleep (which she is cutting out) and before bed. She will eat: Toast (sometimes) Cheese, broccoli, cabbage, ham, chocolate and ice cream (I try to hide pureed fruit in it and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't...). Oh, and fishfingers is a recent addition.

Added to this is the complication that although her routine is good and sleep is fine, I am about to have DC2 (overdue) and am worried that this is going to have a knock-on effect with everything, from behaviour to eating.

So this eating thing; is it me or her with the problem?!

my DS (2.8) is a picky eater (his list of acceptable foods is slightly longer but not massively). Your DDs list contains carbs, protiens, fats and vegtables and is therefore reasonably balanced - obviously any adult would find it grim to restrict themselves to such a narrow range of food but a 2yo finds it comforting. Don't worry too much though. You might find that chilling out helps a bit - you are right that it's a power thing but it isn't conscious, she subconsiously knows that her established eating pattern results in a lot of attention at meal times. If you can find way to break the pattern this might change it. Coud you read a book and pointedly ignore her if she's not eating, but give attention if and only if she is putting food in her mouth?

Good advice from previous poster.

You need to try not to see it as a battle because it is one you will never win. You are quite right that it is becoming a power struggle and she will always be in a more powerful position than you.

You need to make a great pretence of not caring whether she eats anything at all. Just put the food on the table and leave her to it. Don't praise her for eating or show any disapproval. Leave the food there while others are eating and then cheerfully clear it away. Eating together as a family is a good strategy, as is engaging those who are sitting at the table in a pleasant conversation while ignoring anyone who is making a fuss about food or who has got down from the table. Make it clear that mealtimes are pleasant social occasions which you are very welcome to join in if you behave appropriately.

If she is hungry between meals offer her something healthy you would normally want to include in a meal like veg sticks, fruit or toast. If she doesn't want what you offer cheerfully turn away and move on to another activity. Don't engage in any negotiations. Avoid sugary drinks because she may use these to fill herself up.

Don't make her eat savoury in order to get her Easter eggs. Just give an appropriate amount to her as a matter of course at the end of a meal whether she's eaten or not. You don't want her to see eating as a way to earn rewards as it will make her see it in a more negative light.

By seeming not to care you are removing the power from the situation. It then becomes just about her choosing whether or not to satisfy her own desire to eat without the element of stress and control which is there at the moment.

I wouldn't try to introduce new foods at the moment as her diet is reasonably varied and her weight is fine. If you're concerned about her missing out on any particular nutrients ask your GP to refer her to a dietician who can check that everything is covered. However eat new foods in front of her, comment to each other on how nice they are and allow her to taste them without making a fuss if she chooses to.

Good luck with pretending not to care. It is incredibly hard when you are so desperate for them to eat but it's worth it in the end. She won't starve herself and will probably find out how much nicer food tastes when you are really ready to eat.

xkcdfangirl and Timandra; thank you so much. Excellent advice and very appreciated indeed. I have been at the end of my tether and try as I have, hiding it from her has probably not been very successful!
Thank you for your support. I have enlisted my dh in to this strategy too, though this is hard as dd seems to follow the word 'daddy' with 'chocolate?!'

Another advert by Dentro - hopefully MN will pull all of it's 'free advertising' posts soon!

those pesky 'toxics'

just read the post about this poster then found one by accident!

op my 2.6 year old DS would eat anything up till about 18 months, it's a lot more hard work these days! he'd have cereal or cheese for every meal i think. possibly plain pasta.

I've tried to step back a bit and it does seem to be working. trying not to make a big deal and giving him wee bits of other stuff alongside his pasta.

it also seems to make a difference to catch him before he's too hungry, if he heads for the kitchen first he'll be looking in the cupboard for more cereal. if i can get in first and make something else he's more likely to accept it.

dc2 due in 2 and a bit weeks here too - good luck!

'Toxics' -idiot

Thanks Jaggy; you too!

My DS is now 5.8 and goes through fussy eating phases on and off. My top tips are:

Don't give her any attention, put her food on the table and if she doesnt eat it throw it away without any comment and dont offer anything til the next snack or meal time.

Avoid turning mealtimes into a battle and avoid power struggles where no one wants to back down and give in first.
Don't let her play, read or watch TV at the same time as eating - it is too distracting.

They say a child won't starve themselves. Most children won't. My son frequently used to go 3 days without eating a single thing. He was fine and I wouldn't sweat about it. One time he went 4 days and ended up on a drip. Saying that he hasn't done it again, so not that I advocate this, but maybe he learned it's not pleasant to go without food for so long.

Don't bribe, cajole, persuade. Food should not be used as a bargaining tool. Especially don't try and bribe her with dessert, because that is placing a hierachy on food that dessert is a "treat" food and the be all and end all.

If there is a new food on her plate that she hasn't tried before it's natural for her not to want to try it straight away - it's an instinctive survival skill apparently so you don't poison yourself. I read somewhere that it can take up to 50 times of seeing a food item on their plate before they will feel comfortable enough to try it.

Put something you know she will eat on her plate along with something she may not. Make no comment on what she eats whether it's the stuff she likes, or stuff you thought she might not eat. (even if it's chocolate, ice cream, yoghurt, fruit whatever - put it in a bowl right next to her plate if you don't want to mix sweet and savoury on the same plate. The idea is if she wants one spoon of ice cream, followed by one carrot that's OK)

Oh yes as someone posted above - eating together is a must. If she doesn't see anyone else eating she won't see why she has to.

She should sit at the table until everybody has finished, don't let her get down if she decides she doesn't want any. If she has to sit there watching everyone else eat, she'll probably get bored and start eating bits here and there.