How to get DS to stick up for himself... without bonking the other kid over the head

[ProjectGainsborough]

I've spent so long trying to get my fairly boisterous 2.10 yo to share without shoving, that I think I might have gone too far the other way.

I've noticed that he has started to take a back seat and let other kids lead and I worry that I've sapped his confidence by constantly reining him in. I'm trying now to give him negotiating skills (encouraging him to swap rather than snatch, taking turns, saying 'no' instead of hitting back, etc) but he still seems fazed by conflict.

A neighbour popped over today with her son who is a bit of a bully and the sight of DS saying 'stoppit' and doing this frantic blinking thing that he has developed since the new baby came along (that's another story) breaks my heart. Quite honestly, in that situation I'd be quite happy for DS to have given him a bit of a thump, but you can't say that... can you?

Can anyone recommend any strategies, or books that he (or I) can read?

I believe that chidren need to be given the words to help them resolve situations. Give him a very simple phrase to say in what ever situation he finds difficult. You could even role play the situation! I teach reception and some of the boys still need this strategy at 4/5.

That's helpful, thank you. Just out of interest, do you tend to find that it's boys that run into conflict the most?

What kind of phrases do you teach the kids at school?

It does tend to be boys on the whole. That's not to say anything bad about boys though! I find that some of them develop in maturity, emotionally and in language skills a little slower than girls. Having said that, my dd was just as physical when she was 2!

At the moment I have a little boy who instantly lashes out (kicks, punches, head locks) anyone who does something he doesn't like. His mum said that he was slow to talk to that could be part of the problem in this case. A particular flash point for him is if somebody takes something that he's playing with so together we've worked out that he is to say "I'm playing with that. You can have it after". It took a while to work and it still doesn't have a 100% success rate but things have drastically improved.