discipline- professional help

[Cookiemg]

Hi, I have a 3 year old who is driving crazy she undermines my authority constantly and oversteps any boundaries I set- she completely plays me and each day that we are together involves me losing my temper at least once! I hate it and feel so out of control. I suffered from pnd for 18 months and during that undiagnosed time let a lot of things slip due to lack of energy, knowledge and guilt. I was wondering if anyone knew of someone who would telephone coaching ideally we would want someone to observe us ,we live in Edinburgh and have posted locally there.

Can you give some examples of her behaviour?

She walks away from the dinner table when being asked to stay a bit longer. She refuses to get into her car seat
She never does anything requested there is always a process of negotiation (seriously!)
Today we were out shopping I asked her to not dangle her legs over the side of the trolley, I had to repeatedly ask this and I could see her exaggerating and continuing with this behaviour to wind me up, she can detect when I'm stressed and becomes more naughty. On leaving the shop and getting into the car she yet again wouldn't sit in her seat, I had to physically get her to sit down and by this time I was so angry and frustrated that I burst into tears, this is only the 3rd time she's seen me cry I try to calm down most dramatic emotions . She's very talkative and at the end of the day I'm overwhelmed by her chatter and whining that I hear myself repeatedly saying, " would you stop going on and on".
I can't take her out to cafes to socialise with other children as she'll never sit still for longer than 3 minutes, she feels that I'm stressed and runs around all the more. She's at nursery 3 days a week and behaves very well and will be more obediant for her Dad.

It is miserable

A few ideas:

Dinner table - maybe consider a rule that leaving means meal over, nothing till next meal/snack time. No need for battle, she won't starve, you finish your meal in peace :).

Getting into car seat, sitting in trolley nicely, etc - would reward charts work for your dd? So many stickers for good behaviour elicits something special.

As for cafes, maybe avoid those for the moment and take dd somewhere that being fidgety and not remaining seated isn't important eg play parks, soft play, museums. Or seek out cafes that are particularly child friendly like Butterflies at Marchmont St Giles church, or one of the other Edinburgh Community Cafes (google them).

Praise the good behaviour loads and where possible try to ignore the bad. I know easier said than done and remember dd is 3, an age when dc are testing many boundaries .

If you want someone to come in and help - can you afford a Nanny? Not full-time or long-term. Bit of a private Jo Frost. Top notch Nanny agencies will have older more experienced Nannies who should be able to guide you in the right direction. I'm sure there would be plenty near Edinburgh. Won't be cheap though, but well worth the investment before it's too late...

She sounds like a fairly normal 3 y o, tbh.

Op I feel for youp

It sounds like you have a fairly normal 3-year old but (as you say) that you need to change the way you deal with her. I hope you find what you are looking for as far as behaviour help is concerned. If you can't aford a nanny etc I would recommend looking into behaviour/parenting courses run by (eg) your local children's centre. I have an aquaintance who has quite a 'difficult' 2.5 year old (hits out at other children, quite wilful etc) and she attended such a course once a week over 7 weeks (they provided a creche in the room next door) and now I see her again and she seems to be managing her better and having fewer incidents. She says she found it helpful. "Toddler Taming" is also quite good for dealing with behaviour like this. I do realise from your OP that her behaviour is not the main problem, just a symptom, but it could go some way to improving things.
I am going on your post and don't know you but it sounds like your child is capable of behaving with others and so has perhaps slipped into a pattern of misbehaving for you due to your issues in the past? I wouldn't negotiate or ask her nicely (more than once). I would explain to her at a quiet moment that from now on you will count to 3 after asking her once nicely, once more forcefully. If you get to 3 then take action - this could be a time-out or just as simple as moving her (if you can) to the correct place you have asked her to go to, taking away the thing she is not playing nicely with etc. Make sure you do deal with the behaviour if you have threatened to though, or next time she will not believe you when you explain consequences. As a teacher I see this all the time...consistency is key.

OP I feel for you but I'm not sure how you are going to find what you need. Don't forget that programmes like Supernanny are edited to look good and real life isn't usually like that.

My advice would be to take a step back and work out why she is behaving in this way. A wise person once told me that all behaviour is communication. So what is your DD trying to tell you?

I know you have only painted a tiny bit of the picture here but it looks awfully like she is fighting for your attention.

You wanted to think about the shopping and she wanted you to concentrate on her. As soon as she knew what would distract you she used it to get your attention.

In the cafe she can drag you away from your socialising by running off, thereby monopolising your attention.

If she refuses to get in her car seat a 5 second job in which she momentarily has your undivided attention becomes much longer.

In the evenings she chatters at you to ensure she is engaging your attention.

Her aim isn't to make you angry or unhappy. She is perhaps feeling the need for a little reassurance that she is still the centre of your world and always will be.

Try finding some ways to make your interaction with her a bit more positive.

If you know that you will have to give her attention while shopping to manage her behaviour, pre-empt it by giving her her own shopping list with pictures to tick off as you go round and offer praise each time she finds something. This changes the negative attention to positive.

When you put her in her car seat spend a few extra seconds giving her a kiss/tickle/stroke on the face and spend a moment talking about what you can both see or where you are going next. That way the nice part of the process is extended and she will look forward to it.

If you can't listen to a whole evening's chatter (I certainly struggle with this) make a special time when you sit down with her and give her your full attention. Ask her questions about her day or what is interesting to her at that point. After this time is over explain to her that you now need to do some jobs and thank her for sharing her thought/feelings/day with you. You may find that she doesn't always feel the need to talk at you once she has been listened to.

Lastly look constantly for opportunities to praise her and appreciate the good things she does. It can be very tiny things like hanging up her coat or stepping over a toy rather than walking on it. It doesn't matter what you choose to praise. The point is that, if you tell her what you like about her and what she does, you are giving her positive attention which will build her self-esteem and she should feel less driven to engage negative attention.

These things don't really take any more time than the behaviour management you are already doing but they do take a little more forethought and energy at first. Once you are in the habit of doing them it is much easier.

I hope that all makes sense. It is hard work to change your responses in this way but it is well worth it.