Feeling like this is much more common than you think and it will pass, honest!
How brave of you to have two so close together - I left 15 years between mine!!
I've worked with a number of parents on this sort of thing. Here's a few key principles:
The most effective teachers and parents use positive feedback as a very powerful tool. As adults relating to children, one of the mistakes we commonly make is to only notice children when they are doing something naughty. If a baby is cuddled and picked up if she screams, she quickly learns that if she screams, she is picked up- she has ?trained? her parents. Likewise, a toddler who is ignored unless she screams or hits out, or does something bad, is likely to continue this behaviour.
If you are not used to this idea, it can be very hard to consciously change the way you respond to your children.
Guidelines and rules:Have a few clear and simple guidelines or rules which everyone in the family keeps to. Express these in a positive rather than a negative way, eg not ?we are not nasty to each other ? but ?we are kind to each other? , not ?we don?t shout at each other? but ?we talk calmly and politely to each other?. Having rules, or boundaries, gives you a framework to explain why you would like to see some behaviour change, eg ?Johnny, you took away your brother?s train and made him cry. In this family we are kind to each other. Was that a kind thing to do??
What you do not who you are: Always focus on the behaviour, not the person- eg never say ?You are a bad girl? but say ?That wasn?t a kind thing to do?. This is because it is very difficult for a child to have their own self condemned. "If it is me that is the problem, I feel stressed, powerless and anxious ? my identity is under threat." It is much more effective to express concern about the behaviour, which you as an individual own - you are responsible for it, you control it, and you can choose to change it. This helps a child to feel powerful and in control, especially if positive changes in behaviour are always noticed and commented on in an encouraging way.
Consequences:Have clear and reasonable consequences in response to keeping to or breaking rules, relevant to the child?s age, and build in a warning stage. Saying ?Stop screaming or I will take away all your toys for a week? is over the top for a 3-year old. However, saying ?You are a good boy and are sitting at the table nicely, so tonight we will ring Granny and tell her that? gives a powerful message that this is the behaviour you want to encourage.
Never, ever threaten anything that you can?t or won?t follow through on, or the child will not believe you or trust what you say afterwards.
The key message is to consciously notice and celebrate what you do want and try to ignore what you don't. Hope this helps!