Help me help my shy 4 year old DS

[lemniscate]

DS has just turned 4. He is such a lovely boy when you get to know him - fun, carefree, independent, bright, sparky, boisterous and without any nasty streak or aggression. But he makes friends slowly and in new company is just so socially awkward and lacking in confidence and it can make things like going round to play with newish children really difficult.

Today for example we went to friends. I have been introduced to his mum by another friend and would like to make friends with her, and we have met up 2 or 3 times. DS and her son are very close in age and go to the same preschool (her DS is very new there so DS has only known him for a few weeks). DS was super excited about going to their house and playing with him, but the minute he got there, he clammed up, got a bit weepy and petulant, started playing with the other boy's trains on his own, got really stroppy when the boy tried to join him and generally sulked and cried and clearly just didn't quite know how to deal with the situation. As soon as we left, he brightened up again.

It's not just this little boy - he is still a bit like that even with friends who have come on several playdates. At his birthday party he was completely overwhelmed for the first hour, and gets quite sulky and clingy. I am worried that soon parents won't want their DSes to play with mine because he expresses his shyness through grumpiness and not playing nicely.

Speaking to his preschool, he has one boy that he has formed a real bond with and they have a lovely fun friendship, and he has another friend we see outside of preschool that he has a similar relationship with, but with the other children he often plays alongside and will join in a bit if they include him but doesn't really know how to approach them to suggest they play with him. They are trying to work on this with him.

Any tips on how I help a shy boy deal with his shyness and begin to make friends? He starts school in September so I wnat to help give him the tools to cope. I don't care about him being a social butterfly, but I don't want him to find making friends so very painful and upsetting and I don't want children to discount my son before they get to know how much fun he is.

Ds1 has been incredibly shy since before he could talk. We have learned not to pressure him, to stay close and he has learnt to be more social. How ling has your dd been at preschool? It took ds1 2 years to speak to some people there but now he has some close friends. I worry all the time about him starting school this year. He won't know anyone and will not speak in unfamiliar places.

Things we are thinking of that may help include going to a summer fete at the school, and asking for photos of teachers to pin up in the kitchen before he starts.

Does it help to stop worrying about how others see your ds, and work on getting him to tell you what support he needs from you to enjoy himself? Maybe focus on playdates with the friend he has made?

Thanks. DS has been at preschool since Sept. He has settled well - he is happy and enjoys the activities and has formed a bond with this one friend. It's more just that he doesn't seem to really know how to form other friendships - I think he is keen (hence being excited today when going to friend's house) but not sure what to do once in the situation.

He also goes to nursery where he has been for 2 years due to my working and has friends there but they either seemed to be older (when he first started) or now younger. He has one good friend the same age at nursery again, and the rest are a year or more younger. So I'm not sure it is shyness so much as not knowing how he should fit in with other children the same age and of the same abilities. He is fine with adults very quickly and loves following older children around, and he gets on well with younger children because he shows them how to do things and acts as big brother. It's as if he is worried about his place in the social hierarchy when with a big group of children his age. I guess that's why I'm suddenly worrying about school.

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leminscate you could be describing my dd (she is 3.2) - the point about being overwhelmed and then not behaving well struck a particular chord. With people she knows she is quite the opposite (we have to rein her in a lot at home, but i think this is the other side of the coin). We went to a kids party at the weekend too - she was excited about going, didn't know any of the children, clung to me like a limpet and wouldn't join in, or even sit at the table. At 4 all the children's parents took them home and she played happily for an hour with the little boy whose party it was ('I'm C, and I'm 3' she said, by way of introduction!). It is quite difficult to manage, and whilst she is very well behaved at nursery I don't get a sense that she has a particular friend there - they have commented on her lack of assertiveness and that they often have to ask her speak up because they can't hear her. Not sure what to suggest other than to support him, maybe do some role plays - he will get there, and really, he only needs to have a few good friends - there's a lot of social nonsense that goes on - and the fact that he has one friend is very positive. I am very conscious of trying not to label her too much in her presence too